#63

How ever did you come to this?

And as the days progress I feel myself losing track of what I once saw a priority. I've yet to deem this negative or positive, I just see it as a change. To slip back into myself and remain their, only letting in those who belong. To disappear, only being seen by those with true eyes. Eyes that see what everyone else thinks isn't there. Oh, the irony of you. Sweet sweet irony.

"Accept the things you cannot change."
Someone asked me what I wanted for Christmas, but they got no response. I have her, was what I thought to myself. And as trivial and childhood crush-like as it may sound, I long for nothing more. While my eyes may wander, my heart and mind remain stationary. There's nothing better than this and to ask for anything more would be nothing short of selfish. So dear sir, I have everything I want and I need nor want for anything more, but thanks for asking.

#62

"...It'll be harder tomorrow."

And the word of the day is HUMILITY.
Forgive me as I digress...
I care little about anything having to do with you. Call it what you will because I care not. Compassion for strangers? Yes. Compassion for you? Saying I'm laughing would be more than an understatement. Empathy and sympathy are emotions that will never be associated with what I feel for you. I feel nothing, not even pity for you, which is strange to me but honestly, I care not. It's quite sad how you're situation makes me laugh. Really it is.

I now regress.
Humility comes from Humanity. Is this why I feel that it's diminishing too? Not that I try to make sense out of what it is that goes on around me, but when I take the time to observe the things that do, I see a depletion in what we call humility. What is the meaning of the word? It is foreign to our lips; we lost the taste so long ago, it seems as though it was never there. Quid pro quo this for that. As faith in humanity decreases faith in humility follows. I'm baffled by the hypocrisy, lies, selfishness and cruelty that occur with no consequence. Honestly, there is no consequence. It is my personal hell, but I fear not. Not for lack of knowledge or embracement of neglect but because of acceptance. Accept the things you cannot change. It's about today; I'm quite sure tomorrow could result in sheer and utter horror.

"Don't run, don't scream; you'll only makes it worse."

#61

How very very complicated you are. Like a mystery. A rubik cube with 12 sides. A crossword puzzle with 2 clues. A map with no legend. But the unexplainable connection and emotion I feel for you is insane.


"To have everything and nothing." Please release me from this hell in which you've placed me. What test are you giving me because I fear that I may not pass it. The knowledge I possess doesn't begin to suffice for the amount that I need for this. "This pain will be useful to you one day." I doubt this strongly. In what way will this be beneficial? I see no end or no purpose to this. "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." No, what doesn't kill you leaves a horrible scar with worse memories. Tear-soaked pillows and unrelenting terrible nightmares. Jumps at mere touches, mere expressions of emotions. How in anyway is that making one stronger? And if it just gets worse, what is to become of me? An emotionless shell of a person where a soul, where a heart use to reside? I fear this very thing.

I've possessed this body for to long. Please, may I take residence in a new domicile? I feel this one won't hold for much longer.

And the more I talk, the worse it gets.

#60

"You must love yourself before you love someone else."

That's not true. One can love someone before loving one's self; it's very very possible and very probable. But there are the people who think that if one lets another treat them wrong then one doesn't love one's self. That's wrong. One just loves the other person more than they love their self. One would just rather have the fraction of emotion the person shows than no emotion at all. Being afraid to be alone isn't the same as not loving one's self either. Being afraid to be alone is being afraid of oneself. Being afraid of the thoughts that present when left alone.

And the more you try to fix it the more messed up it becomes because they're no longer interested because they no longer care because what you have to offer isn't satisfying the desires that have presented themselves. You're not what you once were, or maybe you are and they just see it clearer now. Blind? Maybe but in what sense of the word? On what side is the blindness occurring?

Where would this road lead us? The question is forever out there because I don't know. Had the situation been different would the outcome still have been the same? Was it a good thing or not? Were we already predestined? It is me but it's you. And it's this, but it's not. But it is and you know but I don't and we knew but we didn't and things change but they haven't. And things that were said took the place of things that should have been said. And there's no temptation like you thought, just sadness and disappointment. Regret? No. Mistakes? Yes. Apologies? Infinite and sincere. I haven't enough breaths in this lifetime to explain it to you, but I mean it. All of it.

The word of the day is REGRESSION.

#59

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT FROM ME?!!!!!

When I tried to be there, I wasn't good enough so I stopped and now I'm at fault for it? What did you want me to do? Stick around and be MISERABLE? Because that's what it was with you. Contradictions pour from your mouth like rain from the sky during April. I don't care? Fuck you. Your feeble mind couldn't begin to understand the level of caring- scratch that, the LOVE I have for you. But that's not enough. Nothing is ever ENOUGH for you.

WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER?

It's a complicated situation. No the fuck it isn't. Why don't you just let me go? I can't let go of something that I never had to begin with. All I do is break your heart and make you cry. I'm always mad, always arguing always brushing you off. If I do all of this WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE? I can't give you what you want, apparently I never could and you keep wanting me to be someone I'm not. I'm sorry, I can't, no I WON'T be that for you. And you cry yourself to sleep every night because of me? Yeah? And how exactly is that my fault? Where you thinking about crying yourself to sleep when you were fucking everyone I knew? Where you thinking about that when you were lying to me to my face? How about when I kept trying to change everything about me for you? And I'm suppose to give a shit that you're crying yourself to sleep? Man, fuck you.

I do care, but I don't want the pain anymore. I don't want the arguments, I don't want the tears. I don't want to see you unhappy and no matter what you say you know we aren't going to work. I'm sorry but I'm not doing it anymore.

I'm sorry about this.

#58

And the cycle continues on.
I don't understand why people do the things they do especially if they know it's only going to hurt someone else. I'm beginning to lose faith in all humanity.

I just want to disappear.

Empathy sucks.

#57

WHY?
If I were a professor of a philosophy class I would give that as a final term essay. "The question is, Why?" And many people wouldn't know how to approach that. It's so broad, so vast a topic it's hard to narrow it down. There is no right answer and if there is no right answer there is no wrong answer. And if there's no right or wrong answers there's nothing to judge. But there is. There's always something to judge because without judgment there'd be no opinion and without opinion there'd only be facts. And maybe people only want facts. But why? I don't understand; facts are boring mainly because I already know them partly because there's nothing to speculate about. I want to know how people feel about these facts because that's the thing that matters. "Why" matters. Why? Because without why there is nothing. Why? Because why questions everything there was, is and ever will be and without questions we're mindless people following what we think are facts. "Why" gives you the opportunity to see things in a new light and realize that just because something is said to be factual doesn't necessarily mean it is. Facts are up for interpretation which is where Why comes from.

The question is, Why? My answer is Why Not?

Destined from the start to never be apart. My heart aches without you near. I fear everything and nothing with you and see only you and want only you because there is only you. I fear me in this but like a filter, you remove the impurities that seem to consume me. You see past my exterior and see something in me that no one, myself included, ever has or will see. Love? No, a word like that doesn't begin to describe the magnitude of these feelings. Never will I say there's never been anything like us because I don't know, but never have I felt like this before.

Once we were something, but now we are nothing. And that is it, there's nothing but pure blackness where there was once light. How I want to hate you for everything but how I can't. You don't deserve the emotions you're trying to evoke, you don't deserve what it is you're trying to achieve. I don't know what your agenda is, but I'm not walking the path of confusion and mistrust any longer. Not for you or anyone. I love you but when you reiterate this, I have to urge to tell you not to use words you don't understand. I'm no longer your fool.

#56

Children wishing snow globes translated to real life. I'm a child with that dream. A dream of peaceful nights with snow and little towns were everyone knows one another and the only thing there is to worry about is who's going to shovel the snow out of the drive way in the morning.
There is no constant. Nothing remains the same and sadness engulfs everything around it turning it black and meaningless. How can a room filled with silence sound so loud? Slowly drowning me in everything it is. I wish for the days of happiness, of blissfulness. So far gone I hardly believe they existed.
Because I know the outcome of you.
Because I know what you will do.
Because I know how much it matters to you.
Because I know I can't do it.
Because the answer is never as clear as it may seem.
Because a guy named Murphy has laws that apply to the common man.
Because nothing will ever be the same again.
Because there's too much snow to for just one person to shovel.

I wish for the days where you and I could be fine. Time is forever closing in on us, on me. How long will I be here? Not long and it's not fair for me to bring you down with me. I fear what possesses me because of what it could do...to you. Because I'm not right and you are. You need something more than I can give...

I'm sorry.

#55

Like a machine receiving too much information at once, my brain is about to explode. I'm caught on so many thoughts that it's hard to narrow it down to just one. With the forever increasing amount of curiosities presenting themselves to me, it's hard not to be intrigued. However, I'm not going astray. This isn't what you think. You're wrong, but how easy it would be if you were right. How easy it would be to decided. Not simple, but easy because there is a difference. Just because something is easy doesn't make it simple and just because something is simple doesn't make it easy. Similar to fascinating and interesting.
This blog is about nothing. I'm rambling because I don't know what to write because I want to write everything down but it's impossible to try to include every thought I'm thinking and as I'm typing this I'm saying the words in my head and I'm speaking so fast and that's why there are no periods in this and if I was capable of typing the way I'm thinking all of this would be one word so it would looksomethinglikethisanditwouldbeincrediably
hardtofollowthisbecauseitisincrediblyhardtotypelikethis
IwanttohitthespacekeybutItherearenospacesinthemy
ramblebecauseitisacontinuousramblewithoutanypauses.
That's almost impossible to read which is how I think. It's nearly impossible to select just one thought because the thoughts I'm thinking aren't all good. Most of them are scaring me.

I find myself coming to a fork in the road, but it's a road with twelve different possible trails to follow and most of them will lead me the wrong way but staying at this position of utter confusions isn't going to suffice. Even a wrong path would be better than this.

I can't do this.

I'm losing what I depend on. My Mind.
And the only way I can get it to come back is to do something that won't benefit anyone. What am I to do? I'm acting as though the pressure isn't building up inside when it all actuality it's becoming impossible to ignore. As hard as I try to ease it, to make it subside, it refuses.
Homelessness is the least of my worries...

#54

And life gets more and more curious.
How can everything around me be going to hell and yet I feel nothing for it. All I can see is you because you are all there is. Mindless and endlessly engulfed in All that is you. Beyond you? How could there ever be such a thing. I Repeat the words to you often because loving you is an Inevitable thing for me. How can everyone else go About there day not knowing you? Not knowing the beauty which is you? There's no way you could be a red Herring in the mystery of life; you're too undistractingly intriguing. The exuberance and eternalness you represent is nothing short of amazing. The third day of the sixth month of the two-thousand and eighth year of this lifetime will forever live in infamy in the minds of two people. The start of their time together deserves to be remembered.
"And the color of cold has changed and the color of love will soon follow."
Forever in love with only you.

#53

I once heard a man say,

I am not a human playing, thinking, drinking or anything else.
I am a human, being.

But I am not a human, being. At least not only that. I am a human:
caring, crying, hurting, thinking, speaking, defending, pretending, loving, dancing, singing, eating, breathing, bleeding, falling, catching, missing, screwing, changing but mainly

DOING.

Maybe that's what "being" means.

#52

Being around related people who actually care about one another is so sad. Not because they care about each other, but because there are so many people who don't have blood relatives to care for them. I thought that maybe you didn't need to have blood to care about you, but when I sit back and think, there aren't many people who've known me my entire life. And those who do, aren't blood relatives.

I belong NO WHERE to no one.

And I've never felt so lonely in my life. It's like yeah, friends are family. I'm a strong believer in that, but well I don't know how to explain it. It's a sense of forever-ness. Because even with my non-bloods (my mother's best friend's family) I feel like an outsider. Like I can't seem to be included or something and it's weird because I've never felt the need to belong to anything but it's hard to not want something when it's beating against your insides.

People like this, like me, want families of their own though. They want people to love them forever and all that good nonsense, but I'm not like that. I've been on the outside for the longest, like since birth that I don't know HOW to be on the inside. I'm homeless.

November 4, 2008 BARACK OBAMA became the youngest (and the first black) president of the United States. :D

#51

I changed the title of this blog because I started thinking about it. "Hmm..." is very vague. "A Curious Incident" however, isn't. I find most of the things that happen to be to be curious incidents. For example, I find it to be a curious incident how you can talk to someone for you entire life and they know nothing about you, but you talk to someone for 10mins and you can tell them almost anything. And rather than calling it nonsense or saying it's irrational,
I'd rather just call it a curious incident.

Why Are People So Fascinating?

I've yet to figure it out, but I really do find people fascinating, like I don't understand why people do certain things. They know the outcome will be negative and they don't like negative outcomes yet they do the activity anyway. And people's emotions often fascinate me. They change rapidly, like to the point where sometimes I think that everyone is bipolar. But why do people think that you should be interested in them? Yes, I said I find them fascinating, but just because something is fascinating doesn't necessarily make it interesting. Fascination and interest are totally different things. Something could interest you and be not fascinating in the least bit. Yet, something could be unbelievably fascinating yet you're really not interested in it. Maybe that's just me though. I'm odd. I like it.

What's wrong with you?

#50

Don't worry, I didn't forget to post I was just busy with Homecoming and all that good stuff but I have good news. Like 2 things back to back. What a concept?

Okay so last night I was on the phone with Mariah right, like that's something new hehe, and I'm telling her about all this random shit. Some about Alex and some about Denise but the majority of it was about Karla. So I was about to tell her about the conversation (by the way in blogs 48&49 I was talking about Karla, if you didn't figure that out), but then my fucking stomach started hurting so bad that I couldn't even function yenno? But eventually I got the balls to tell her what happened and I'm like yeah, are you proud of me? And she's like more than you know baby and all this other stuff yenno and my heavens it was amazing! I was so proud of me and I felt so darn good.
Okay so for good thing number 2:
So last night Mariah was talking about some kind of surprise and I was like what is it I'll help you and she's like you can't it's a surprise for you and I was like ohh okay. Then I just kind of forgot about it. Then today we were texting and like it was a casual conversation and when I was in 7th, I got a text from her and she was like what time do you get out of school and i'm like ohh 1:34 (it's actually 1:39 but I didn't find that out til today hehehe sad I know) and she's like oh okay. And I'm like why'd you ask and she's like does it matter and I'm just like whatever loser yenno all casual because I didn't think anything of it. I thought like she really just wanted to talk to me so I didn't think much of it. Then after school we're standing in this group and I look at my phone and I have a text and a missed call, both from her so I responded to the text then I called her back and she's like "where are you gonna be in 20mins and I'm like at school because I stay after school for long periods of time for no reason hehehe really I do and she's like okay I'll call you back. So after about 20mins of my antsy anticipation I called her and was like what are you up to Mariah and all that and she's like nothing really. I'm just going to pick up Marci and Seven (her sister and her nephew) and so I'm like okay well I'll call you later because I have to call my mom to come pick me up and she's like no you're not getting off the phone and I look up or whatever and I see her car. And I'm just like omg yenno because I haven't seen her in like a week so I was just excited to see her and so I start walking to the car and I get pretty much to the passenger side and she holds up these pink roses and I'm just like OMG MARIAH WOW! Like all shocked but when I get shocked I start laughing and like turn around semi walking away. Then so when I walked back I walked to the drivers side window and she got out and gave them to me and I'm like thanks yenno and she's like will you go back out with me? And of course I do my OMG loud shocked semi walk away thing and I came back and said yes. But then she had to leave to go get her sister so yeah. But she's pretty much amazing.

So let's see, I have A's&B's for the first quarter, my house for CADD is actually decent, Homecoming week is OVERRRRR!, Fall Rally is coming up, the amazing month of November is taking place (limited amounts of school) and 060308 is off pause.
:D pretty cool day. I knew post number 50 would be amazingly amazing. Hehehe, until next time.

#49

I've been in major depression mode since like 2 days ago. Basically ever since I got that phone call.

I'm not sure why though. Like I don't know what it is, I just know that I'm depressed. Gosh, sometimes I just wish people could leave me alone. Like really I should just never answer my phone, but ughh I don't know. I really hate this shit and I want to talk to "someone" about this, but man I don't know. You know how you can talk to someone about ANYTHING IN THE WORLD and then out of know where something happens and you feel like it'd be best if you just kept it to yourself? That's kind of what I'm feeling right now because like I hate worrying people unnecessarily. But I'm not sure if it's unnecessary. Or even if it's something to worry about. I don't know, it's just really on my mind like a lot and I want it to go away, but I can't make it. I keep listening to all this music that relates to this, but it's not about who you would think it was about. Like I don't know. Major reflection on a lot of stuff and then like foreshadowing too. Like I'm seeing what would happen if I was to do one thing, but I can't see how this will turn out if I just leave it like it is. But I want to. I want to just be I don't know. I just don't want to be confused anymore about any of this because it's retarded and it always seems to happen.
And like I keep trying to pretend like everything's okay, but it's not. But I don't wanna say that it's not okay because I'm really not sure. Like I'm not decision making right now or even thinking about making decisions I'm just bouncing ideas around in my head not even CLOSE to making any kind of decision. Because I know what I should do, I know what everyone wants me to do, and I know what I want to do but I still can't get this off my mind because you know as easy as it may seem, it's quite a hard situation to deal with. Especially alone.
But there's no way I could explain this to anyone without them thinking that I'm confused for the obvious reasons. I don't really think I'm confused about that. I know what I want and it would be the stupidest decision I've ever made if I was to do what I would have done in the past especially because I already know the outcome. But see there's the problem. I don't know the outcome because the facts of the situation have changed, but I know I really don't want to give this up. It would be stupid and I can't be that stupid. I can't allow myself to be that stupid; hell, my brain would barely allow me to think about it. But I have been thinking about it, that among other things. Like don't think that this is the only thing on my mind. It's not. This is just the only thing that I'm willing to share with you and as you can see it's really not that informational. I'm not even really telling you what's going and I'm sorry for that, but I'm private, believe it or not.
But continuing on, this is just entirely too confusing. And I wish I could explain this to "someone" but of course I CAN'T! Major suckage.

:/ this isn't getting better.

#48

The 48th blog post. Almost the 50th. I don't know why I'm saying that, but it just seemed pretty cool to me. Maybe I'm just weird.

Anywho though, interesting phone conversation last night. Like ohmy, it caught me off guard. But in all honesty, it shouldn't have. I should have been expecting it because I know better. I should be use to expecting the unexpected. Eshh, I felt bad though, but I don't really know what was going on my heart. My brain was in the way of that and was NOT trying to ease up. Which I'm happy about, but then again I'm pretty curious as to what it was I was feeling. Like I don't even know what I was suppose to feel, but I don't really think there's a type of protocol for these types of things. Hmm... very interesting. I'm pretty shocked though and I think that's why I can't feel anything for the situation. It hasn't really hit me yet, but I'm really afraid of what I may feel when it does hit me. Like will I consider it or what? Because yeah people should be allowed to redeem themselves, but there's a limit my dude. Like how many times have you...whatever I know the facts of the situation and I'm not like retarded with this I'm just really like Hmm...random much? It's really been on my brain and I don't really want to talk to anyone about it because who I want to talk to about it, I can't because it's really not an appropriate topic to talk to them about. And then the other people I want to talk to have preconceived notions which they really should because of the stuff that happened but I don't know. I think I just want someone to listen. Or no, I want someone to tell me about how I should feel about this because I'm really pretty confused. Like not in the way that you'd expect because on that, I'm not. I'm not confused about that at all (Oh how foul it would be for me to be confused this late in the game. Such irony). But that's what's confusing me. The fact that I'm not confused in the typical sense of the word and the fact that I'm confused about these feelings that I'm not feeling. I guess I should just wait for the shock to wear off.

Oh my, but these muthafucking females. OOOOHHHHHH I was so heated today. Like ughh, bitch back up you're not even gay, but she is. And she be on her shit like wtf for real though? For real? And then this one, she wants to act like she's cool with everything, but I'm hearing that if she could she'd "fuck that bitch up" and that the other one needs to "get the fuck over herself" which is crazy funny mainly because she doesn't curse and partly because she's another one who isn't gay but is. Ughh dumb. And then ol' boy? Hmm wow at that. He's cool though. OHHHHHH and this young one. She's a trip, like wow. Interesting interesting. Total craziness. ANDDDDDDDDDDDDD this one, always up under me and shit. That would be and interesting match up though...hmm? Nawwwwww stop it stop it. But yeahh, I don't even know man. I don't even know.

Today I had my Learning For Life kids, and I LOVE THEM! They're so amazingly cute and my God, they're so fucking smart. Lil' Mama is my girl though (we had them write the name they wanted us to call them and that's what she wanted). And Maya was sweet too, but I think the sweetest one was Ashley with her pretty ass hair and what not. She was so cute, so shy but then again not. Idk, and they loved them some Mikee (Mike-EEEEEEEE heheh inside joke). They loved us (yeah, Sadu was there too mhmmm). Oh and the teacher, Ms. Council, she's so damn funny. She's black and so damn hood, like she was like "No. Today is a NO day so everything you ask the answer is NO." Hehe she was amazingly funny. Yeah, that's the only thing that made my day better because before that, can you say MAJORLY GAY! Especially stupid ass History. That's the ONLY CLASS where I have a C. Like wtf? I hate History and I hate fucking Mrs. Lee's ol' snobby ass with her bitch ass attitude problem, but my Lord, she's fucking hott as shit. Mhmmmmm.

Anyway, my eyes hurt. I'm running on like 45minutes of sleep. Real talk my dude, so until next time.

#47

I don't even remember the last time I posted to this blog. It's hard yenno because I hate being in the hallway (where my computer is) because I feel like everyone's watching what I'm typing. Whatever though.

So let's see let's see. I can't even begin to tell you what's been going on since the last time I posted. Hmm, well let's see umm on the 26th (of September of course) me and Mariah got in this HUGE ASS argument right? Like so bad that when I called her back on Sunday (the 28th) she was still crying. I felt like shit. Ughh I don't even wanna think about how bad that was. Like for the next week all I wanted to do was die because like I've never made someone I was going out with cry like at least not without them making me cry first yenno? And like I just felt so fucking inadequate; like I was genuinely sorry and I knew she was too sad to hear me out. Not that I really anything to say. God, it was horrible. As melodramatic as it sounds, I really did feel like I was dying. I didn't eat, couldn't sleep. Like I was walking and like broke down to the point where I couldn't walk. Shit it sucked. And then okay, well that Friday, October 3rd, we didn't have school but on Thursday we had RCM, Regional Conference Meeting, for Key Club and me and Sadu were gonna go because it was A-Tech and we really didn't have anything better to do (sadly hehehe) and like when we were walking there I saw Mariah's mom's car. How did I know it was her car even without my glasses on? No clue, I just knew. And I almost died. Like I had to stop walking my stomach was hurting so bad. And so we got there and I saw her but of course I didn't say anything to her. Like I wanted to but I didn't really have anything to say so I just tried to be happy yenno and that didn't work because my mind was just on her and ughhhhh it sucked I don't know. At one point I just got so fucking overwhelmed. Like we were about to leave because I started crying. But we had to go get Flo and she was with James. So we go outside and me, Taylor and Sadu meet up with those two but like I didn't even wanna be there so I went and sat down and just started crying so hard. Then Sadu came over there and we talked and ughhh it was gay, but I was just like fuck this I'm going home or at least leaving A-Tech yenno? So we start heading inside and I'm walking ahead of all of them to head to the bathroom to clean my face and like the glass on our doors is tinted so I couldn't see that she was standing on the other side of the door and when I went in, she grabbed me and like whatever so she was talking to me or whatever and I was crying and so she hugged me and ughhhhhh okay. Well long story short we started talking again, which is AMAZING (by the way that's THEE LONGEST TIME we've ever gone without talking) .

Uhhh ever since then (well up until Saturday night but I'll get to that) we've been really good. Like amazingly good. So let me tell you how my stupid brain got in the way on Saturday, the 18th. The "Light the Night" walk was Saturday aka the day in question hehe and like the day before we had all went to Frightdome and we were cool but apparently (which I didn't find out about until last night) I said/did something that pissed her off so she didn't wanna talk to me anymore and I already had other shit on my mind so I was just like what the fuck ever man. Like I was just not in the mood so I didn't even try to make up with her yenno I just let her be all angry and shit. Then I got this phone call and ughh whatever all this bullshit that just contributed to my utter annoyance. But yeah then so I was talking to Sadu and I'm like telling her and I'm just like yeah and I'm so confused about us. Like are we together or what and blah blah blah and ughh whatever no need to dwell on that. Skip to Saturday. I was still kind of upset about the night before and I didn't really wanna talk to her so when Sadu was like Oh I See Mariah, I was just like okay whatever. Then Michelle, Mariah's friend, called us over there so we went over with them and like I had walked away but I felt bad because I didn't say anything to her so I was like alright I'll just say hey or whatever. And I went over there to say hi and I gave her a hug, TOTAL COLD SHOULDER still. Granted, she did hug me back but it was more of a pat on my back. So I was just like okay whatever because I was gonna walk with her but after that I was just like whatever. So right then I planned on talking to her about where we stood yenno? I mean I knew she loved me and there wasn't really any doubt in my mind, but I just really needed to know for my mind's sake. I can't explain to you (whoever it is that you may be) why, but there's an endless list. But yeah, so we go back to the A-Tech group and we were gonna walk with them til Mariah called and she was like well do you have to be with them and I'm like no, and she's like then come over here. So I did and I'm like hey and she's like all I get is a hey? And so I'm telling her how she was being shady yesterday and how she like BARELY acknowledged me when I came to say hi to her earlier and okay whatever long story short we resolved it. So after the walk they had all this free food and while we were eating Chelsey came and we had some business to take care of hehehe and so I was still thinking about talking to her so I told her that I'd be back and that I wanted to talk to her later or whatever and she's like okay. So then I was talking to Natalie about it and she's like okay well don't be scared. And like she's telling me how it won't turn into an argument or whatever and all this shit. So okay we go back to them and like me and Mariah start walking around and stuff and I wasn't gonna bring it up but idk we got into like a micro mini argument and she brought it up. So we started talking about it and OHMYWORD did that turn out way different than I expected. Like honestly I was just trying to see where her head was. Like I was gonna be like yeah, where are we going because like I don't want to be like this forever yenno and of course because it was me talking that's not what came out because I got nervous and frustrated with myself and ughhh whatever at that. So like she wanted time to think so I let her think and then she had to go so she called me and told me she was leaving so I was like okay bye. So I texted her and we were talking and I apologized and well yeah. So before I went to sleep I called her but she was sleepy so we didn't talk much. The next day, she calls and we were talking about everything and after a while I just couldn't be on the phone because I felt bad and I couldn't explain myself and I was just like ughh. So then I texted her all this shit about what I was thinking and how I was sorry about Saturday and then like I was getting ready to leave, oh by the way I was at Sadu's house hehehe, and like she calls me and she's like check your messages so I do. And she sent me this LONG ASS MESSAGE just with everything in it and wow. It was insane, good insane though (060308 :]<3)>

#46

I've been a very very bad girl. No, not really. But I really should be doing my current events and reading for my History Quiz tomorrow, but I'll do that after I post this.

I only originally got on to post this comment on my Composition Honors class blog. Yeah I know, mad weird but whatever. Ms. Burke's cool in her own crazy way. Continuing on though, let's see what's been going on. I don't remember what I posted last so I guess I'll just start from what's mainly been going on:
My friend Lupe died yesterday. Well since it's now the 12th, she died 2 days ago. I mean she was in the hospital in a coma from about 2 or 3 weeks and believe it or not, I really didn't think she was going to die. And it's so odd how I'm dealing with it. I cried the night it happened. I cried because she was gone, but I think I cried more because I couldn't feel anything. And then because it was another person who left. Granted she didn't "leave" like everyone else did, but it's still like she left. I mean I remember when all my crew had that big falling out and we all stopped talking. Lupe was the one who was there for me all the time. And her history shows her to be a pretty flaky person, yenno the type that would ditch you for a guy? Well yeah, but she never did that to me, but because I'd seen her do it before, I tried not to get as close to her. But that was my girl though. I still can't help but feel this is my fault. I mean ol' boy (her ex-boyfriend) only beat her up as badly because Tony beat his ass after her hit her the first time. But Tony would have never found out if it wasn't for me. Maybe for once I should have kept my mouth closed. But I honestly did think I was doing something good. I really did.

Mariah came over that night. I think she was the distraction I needed though, because I really didn't want to think. Especially not about that. Oh, how are we? Tonight I don't know what her deal was. I may have been seeing something that wasn't there or maybe she was being unusually unusual for no reason. Like okay so we were on the phone right (take the previous paragraph of what was on my mind and add really bad allergies, a fight with my mom and a towed car and you have the makings of a very irritable Kenne) and we're talking. And I had called her before on both her phones and no answer so when she called me back she was like "I was busy." Maybe on a good/bad/whatever you want to call it day, I would have asked her what she was busy with, but 1. I knew she wasn't going to tell me and 2. I knew that I would just be asking she'd say it wasn't anything to be concerned with, I'd get mad at her for keeping shit from me and we'd get into an altercation and I really didn't want to deal with that yenno? So I avoided it like the plague. Then my phone lost connection because I like in hell where we get little to no reception. Anywhos I called her back on the room phone and both times the line was busy so I'm like okay call her cell. That went straight to voicemail. So I called the room again and no answer. So I texted her and was like "blah blah blah I called no answer, I'll talk to you later." Now as I was composing the text, my phone rang and it was Kat, my friend and one of Lupe's like bestfriends or something of the sort. And Kat already has issues and shit so she called me crying asking me to come outside so I did. And I put my phone in the car and was standing outside of it with her. Now my phone pretty much stays on vibrate during the week, so I didn't hear it. And when I was walking back to the car, I saw the little LED light flashing so I got it and saw I had 2 missed calls and I was about to call her back when I got her text so I respond or whatever and she's answering me HELLA SHORT type shit. I'm like okay what's wrong and she's like nothing blah blah blah, but I think she's lying and I'm like okay I'll call you when I get in the house. Long story short I'm at Kat's now and I told Mariah I was going over there yenno, and when I called her to tell her I'm like yeah I'm staying at Kat's blah blah blah and she's like aight cool. And I'm like okay, I'll talk to you later then and she's like aight bye. And I'm in the process of saying I love you when she hangs up.

I'm not mad though. I'm really not, like there's no point in being mad yenno. If somethings bothering her, all I can do is ask. If she wants to be odd about it, then that's her choice and I can't MAKE her tell me stuff yenno? So like yeah, I don't even sweat the small stuff. And like 2 mins ago she texted me apologizing which I really do appreciate. She never use to do that, like I would be the one calling her like "ughh I hate that it's weird between us blah blah blah" but that's incredibly annoying to me and probably to her (which I doubt she'd ever admit) so I quit doing it. I mean really though, things between her and I have gotten so much better. Despite tonight (or last night, however you wanna look at it), she's been mad open with me. It's refreshing to not have to worry about me and her. I kind of just let shit happen the way it's going to happen now yenno, and it's working out better that way.

Hmm, what else what else? There's probably more, but this blog already seems long enough and I still have to do my homework. So yeah, until next time.

#45

This blog was orginally about something else, but I guess it just doesn't seem as important anymore.

I just finished writing an essay for my Composition class about how to tie a shoe, I don't know why I'm telling you this. I don't even know who "you" is referring to, but whoever "you" are I think you should know that as easy as that may sound, it's not. It's a little more complicated and I still have to read this story and have a "conversation with the author" while doing so. Which basically means that my teacher wants us to take notes on it, but we're suppose to actually feel what the author is saying, yenno? And I have yet to even look at the story, but I really hope that it isn't boring because if it is, I'm going to let this author know that.

I had an interesting conversation with Mariah tonight (well this morning but you get my point). I feel kind of bad now because she thinks that I expect her to fix everything right away and I actually think she may be right. I think I did want to fix this like ASAP because for a while, my relationship with her was the only thing I was doing that was right. And as much as I conscientiously know that it's going to take time to get comfortable- I'm not sure if that's the right word right now, but my brain is really tired and I have a cramp in my arm so every time I have to backspace something, I cringe so I guess I'm using that word for now- with one another again, sub-conscientiously I'm still looking for that quick fix. I'm usually not like that though. I'm the "let's isolate the variable and solve for x" type of girl not the "let's look in the back of the book for the answers." I wish there was a back of the book with all the answers in it. That would be amazing. It really would. But yeah, I really am going to try to be my normal self. The realist not the idealist. I'm not an idealist, although there is an aspect of my personality which I've recently discovered which has idealistic qualities. But I don't think that makes me an idealist, and I guess since it's me and since it's my opinion of me then that's all that matters.

This blog is so random, but I like it, because I feel like I got everything off my chest. And I don't even think it was because of this blog that I feel that way. Like I previously stated, I was on the phone with Mariah tonight (this morning, whatever) and we had and interesting conversation and I pretty much told her everything that bothers me and like when she was explaining some things to me, she said it with so much passion, it's sort of hard to explain and I was crying, but I'm not so sure why. Like originally it was because I was frustrated but after a while, I continued to cry and I couldn't figure out why and maybe that's why I stopped crying. I think you should only cry if you have a reason. But maybe crying for no reason is a reason. Yeah, I know that didn't make much sense. I don't know. I feel relieved a little bit. Like I think I can actually think straight. But I'm afraid to say that because every time I do (that cramp in my arm is really getting to me now), something way out of whack happens that totally messes up my whole mindset. No matter, I'll just basque (that's bask spelled the CORRECT way hehehe) in the satisfaction of a restful mind.

Okay, well I should go have that "conversation" with the author of that story. Goodnight or goodmorning.

#44

I should be doing my Trig notes not posting blogs, but I have a lot I need to get out if I'm ever going to be able to finish them.

Things take turns in directions you never expect them to. As much as I tell myself to be cautions, I find myself not being able to do it. It's like I keep trying to put this guard up while trying to do something that is the exact opposite. It's honestly impossible to try to fix things with someone while trying to keep them at a distance. And worst of all I can't figure out how to approach this situation. Like I believe that she wants to fix this and naturally I want to make excuses to why she can act two entirely different ways, but honestly I can't. It's a phenomenon that I really don't understand and what's the point of even bringing it up because I already know the response I'm going to get yenno? And I'm fighting against two parts of myself and I can't figure out which one to listen to and I'm not even sure what either one is saying.

But I'm so tired of letting all decisions lie with someone who doesn't even talk to me. Like you can talk to my bestfriend but you can't talk to me? What sense does that make? It's like what happened to spark this sudden change in trust? I CAN'T FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT! Like honestly I don't care about anything else, the break up the bullshit split personality disorder or anything, I'm just entirely so tired of trying to pull someone in who keeps pushing me back. It's like I'll feel like I'm making progress or whatever, but you know what, maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm not doing anything right. Maybe...I don't even know. I don't know anything I really don't and I keep thinking that I do but I really don't. Why can't she just show that she cares?

I'm just... whatever. I'm not about to force someone to do something they don't want to do. If she wants to talk then she'll talk. I'm not stressing myself anymore.

#43

I'm quite sure that no one really reads this anymore so I guess there's no reason to actually leave out names and what not.

Moving on, Mariah broke up with me. I don't know why I'm saying this though. I'm not sure if it's to make it more real to me or just to state the facts, but that's what happened. I find myself wanting to read the text messages over and over again, like that's some how going to fix it, but like I've said before, you can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be there. I've know this for a while, yet I kept holding on. I mean it's common sense, if someone keeps doing things to hurt you it's obvious that they want to leave, but I'm naive. I believed what she said regardless if it directly conflicted with the things she did. I honestly believed everything she said, and I don't know if I'm stupid for that. I don't know what it is I am for that...

I trusted her though. Even when I was saying I didn't trust her, I trusted her. It was like this, I knew she was capable of betraying my trust because she did yenno? But I still had the faith in her- or maybe I was just naive enough- to believe that she wouldn't do it twice. Not after seeing how deep that cut. Not at all, but honestly I guess I didn't really know anything. And I tried to fix things, I even asked if she wanted to fix things... and as I'm writing this I find myself erasing things just in case she may read them. I don't want to hurt her, which is unbelievably nonsensical. But honestly, I can't make myself think differently. When I asked her if she wanted this relationship she got offended, but who's fault is that really? Would I have to ask "obvious" questions if the answer was obvious? I mean I'm a pretty smart girl for the most part, so I think I may have known if the answer was as obvious as it seemed to be to her.

It got to the point where she was no longer interested in me. Granted, I believe that she loved me, there was no question about that, but despite popular belief, love isn't always enough. If you're not interested in someone, you can't be with them and that's what it is. She lost interest in me, she lost the desire to "stalk me" (it's a reference to a previous blog), and you can't make someone want you. Yes, I want to fix this, but there's nothing to fix anymore yenno? There's honestly nothing I can do because she's washed her hands of the situation. And it's hard to know that something isn't your fault, that it was honestly out of your control, but feel like you caused this. Like I find myself thinking, "well maybe if I... then she wouldn't have had to..." It's just like... I honestly don't know.

It's really hard to trust anyone anymore...

#42

I don't understand this right now.
My best friend's back though. I can talk to her and see what I should do...

#41

What the fuck was the fucking point of that?! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING FUCKING WRONG AND WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!


FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!
FUCK ME? NO FUCK YOU because I didn't do shit at all so what the fuck ever!
fuck fuck FUCKKKKKKKKKK!
fucking fuck! FUCK! shit fuck fuck fuck fuck BULL FUCKING SHIT! FUCKING SHIT! FUCK FUCK!
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK FUCK?! FUCK!

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk! FUCK! OH MY FUCKING FUCK!
If it's not one fucking thing it's something FUCKING ELSE! fuck! AND I DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING DO SHIT!
FUCK! Fuck fuck fuck me in the fucking ass! FUCK!
fkadmflajdfoajofjdlmflamdlfjaldfgl FUCK!

















and to finish this off.
FUCK.

#40

My mind is pretty stable for the most part, but of course it's never super stationary.

People tend to label things so quickly. And they categorize things too and if something doesn't fit exactly into those categories then people flip out. My mind doesn't work that way at all. I was about to say I wasn't sure if that's good or bad, but I'm not even going to worry about that because it's my brain and it's my life yenno? I'm comfortable with whatever way I think about certain situations.

But like I think certain people make decisions based on retarded logic, not that it's my place to decided for someone and it's not even that. I wanted to just express my opinion, but I'm actually pretty glad that I didn't. I'm learning that yeah it's okay for me to have an opinion, but it's not necessarily always my place to express it. It's not my life and if someone hasn't asked for my opinion I should keep it to myself. And I think that's the hardest thing for me to come to terms with because I'm just watching people make choices that are going to negatively affect them. Like what would posses you to make this choice when you know it's not going to end in your favor?! I don't know; people, myself included, make some dumb decisions but I'm glad that for once I'm actually learning from this stuff. Not so much mistakes, but detours yenno?

Earlier in this post I talked about label and categorizing things, and I'm not going to lie, I'm guilty of doing it, I think everyone is. It's like I guess as you gain more intelligence (because it's not necessarily as you get older), you learn that certain thing just don't make sense. That's one of the many things that I'm learning.
I'll tell you one thing though, this summer has been a summer of great realization.

#39

My word yesterday was amazing.

I got her back. August 10, 2008 @ 10:21 p.m. outside in her backyard with wet socks on. Today just felt so right. Like I wasn't confused about anything and it was fucking AMAZING yenno? And like two nights ago we were on the phone and like I was incredibly tired and she said:

"I'll sing to you until you fall asleep"

And I don't remember falling asleep but still yenno? I haven't felt this good in such a long time and it's just wonderfully amazing.
Best friend comes back in 8 DAYS! I'm so damn excited! :D

#38

This is dedicated to the only girl who I'd fight for.

Mariah, please don't think that I'm only writing this because of what possibly could happen. This isn't the case. I writing this because this entire time we've been on break I've been trying to act like this doesn't affect me. Matter of fact, I don't know what I was doing. I wasn't being truthful with you though and our current predicament shows that. Baby, I need you in my life. You're the only good thing I have going for me right now and yeah, lately shit hasn't been right with us, but fuck all of that because I'm so done trying to hide my feelings from you. I'm done trying to act like this doesn't affect me. I can't do it.
And I can't go on knowing that there's something I could have done to fix this. That's all I want is to fix this because I love you so much and when I look at people, you're the only one I see. And I'm constantly thinking about you and talking about you and wanting to be with you. And fuck this bullshit thing called pride because it's just getting in the way of something that could possibly be beautiful. And there's so much I wanna say but I'm not sure what to say. It's like I can't see myself without you. And every slight bit of happiness that's crossed my past recently hasn't been as good because I wasn't sharing it with you. I've lost you before and that was the worst feeling in the world and if this break has shown me anything is that I don't like the idea of living without you. I can talk to you about anything and everything and I trust you so much with everything in me and I'm just saying fuck all the bullshit. Fuck everything that's happened to get us to this point and let's just start from the beginning because me and you are great together and everyone can see it. And I haven't been this happy with someone in forever. And like I said before I know shit has been fucked up between us lately but everyone has problems and we can get through this.

Just give me the chance to start over. That's all I want...

#37

In the last 2 days I've done a lot of thinking, like decision making thinking.

The different aspects of me have yet to come to an agreement on what to do, but I think I'm understanding things a little better. Well not really, I'm not so sure as to what it is that's going on with me. I think I'm kind of just trying to figure out how to be okay, and I don't know sometimes I'm good, not great but not bad just kind of...okay. But then there are the moments when I see things and I think of her. And it's not the whole "thinking of her" thing that makes me not okay, it's the feeling that she isn't thinking of me.

I've learned that you don't fully understand something until you're going through a situation where it applies. For instance, the phrase 'actions speak louder than words' I always believed that. But I didn't like FEEL IT until like now. It's like things have been said that I don't feel. I believe them not because I want to and not because I have to and not because I don't want to hurt her feelings or any of that sort, I believe them because I know she wouldn't lie to me. But there's a difference between believing someone and feeling what they say. I can't come up with a good enough analogy to explain it, I think it's one of those things you learn from experience. It's not necessarily the way things are said, because a person could say something with an extreme amount of passion yet they feelings still may not transfer.

I don't think that's necessarily anyone's fault. It's not one of those things that can be simply blamed on someone. I'm starting to see that a lot of stuff is like that. Or maybe that it's not MY fault. I mean I naturally feel the need to take the blame for things, but when I think of all the things that I've blamed on myself, it really seems ridiculous. My justification for it was that there's a reason for everything. Stuff just isn't there you know? And I'm probably right, but my problem was that I was trying to find the reason for why things are. I guess now I'm just letting stuff be the way it is because that's the way it is. And if people want to add justifications then they can do that.

It was like I knew the facts but had speculations disguised as reason. It was like "well if she did this, then I must have been doing something wrong" or "if this happened then I must have done something in order for it to happen" and I was using karma to back me up, but maybe I was wrong. Not about karma, because I still think karma is inevitable, maybe I was wrong about me doing something wrong. Maybe karma was coming after them and I just happened to be in the cross fire and maybe someone did something because they wanted to do it. Maybe she talked to her know what was going to happen because she wanted to talk to her. Maybe she "engaged in activities" with him because she wanted to. Maybe I didn't have to do anything. Maybe I was actually an alright girlfriend and she just happened to want to do something. Granted, I would hope someone wouldn't want to do things that they know would negatively effect their relationship and hurt someone that they said they didn't want to hurt just because they wanted to. Hopefully there's a deeper reason for it, but maybe I don't necessarily need to know because maybe it had nothing to do with me.

It's like one of those things like, damn I would love to know why this person would do such a thing, but for once I'll wait until I know the reason before I automatically assume it's my fault. I don't know... and the whole "break" thing. I kept saying that I wasn't sure what the rules were for breaks and she didn't know either and I kept getting input from everyone, but what I just realized is that this is OUR relationship so we should have followed our own rules. Of course we didn't have any because this idea of a break didn't even seem fully developed. I'm not trying to figure out why any of this happened, from the break to the "incident" (when I give it a name like that, it makes it easier to think about) because there's really no reason to figure anything out. I mean all pride aside, if she decides that she wants this relationship then maybe that's the time that those things get figured out, but until I know what she wants to do I'm not going to try to find answers to questions that I shouldn't be asking myself, you know?

I guess we'll see how this turns out.

#36

Is it bad that all I want to do is hear her voice? My God I miss her so much and I want to fix this but I didn't do anything. I didn't fuck it up this time so there's nothing I can do and ughhhhhhhhhhh! I want to talk to her.

FUCK!

Two blogs in one day? This shit must be a lot more fucked up than I orginally thought. *sigh, and of course, my efforts to satisfy were in vain, but this isn't my fault. How I wish I could believe that.

#35

It's so... I don't know what it is. But Murphy's Law definitely applies:

"Whatever can go wrong, will and at the worst possible time causing the most damage."

And that pretty much sums it up, I honestly did not see this one coming. And like I don't know if I should be mad or what, but I know that what I'm feeling right now is totally not the right thing. I just want to erase it so badly. I finally get that Mario Winans song

"I don't wanna know
If you're playing me, keep it on the low
Cause my heart can't take it anymore"

And like I don't know what to do because I don't know what she wants to do. Like if she wants to be with him...I don't know. And if she wants to be with me...OH GOSH! My brain hurts, I'm so damn confused.

#34

It's quite interesting how something could have absolutely no possible chance of being your fault, yet you feel like you're the cause. It honestly makes no sense really it doesn't, but a lot of things don't. Or so I'm finding out.

It makes no sense how someone can have someone who genuinely cares about them, but they continue to push them away to embrace someone who goes back on their word. But who am I to judge, right? How can I "judge" when I've been guilty of the same thing. I almost put mistake, but is it a mistake? More like a lapse in judgment. It's like you know what you're doing isn't the best thing for you, but you continue to do it. Why? Who really knows. I guess everyone has their reasons: comfort, fear, stupidity, love. Who knows?

It just sucks to be the person on the sidelines watching it happen. Yes, because it hurts and yes because you can't fix it. But mainly because you know what could happen. Because you know what most people do and how the majority of the world always go back to their comfort zones. That's what "sucks" the most.

#33

I'm not to fond of existing right now. That pretty much sums up everything.

Our conversation yesterday was good though. It was so good, but I don't know. When I saw her, eshh, strain on my heart much? It was such a longing feeling. Like you know when you see a McDonald's commercial and you really want that food, but you have no kind of money to buy it? It was like that. I don't know.

It's...I don't know. *sigh.

#32

I feel like I'm not even in the running anymore. Like I've lost already.

What sucks the most about the whole situation is that it's not even like I know the territory. I don't do this kind of thing... EVER. But like I don't want to lose her. But I feel like I have to prove myself to her. Why? I didn't do anything that would make it that way. That's what's getting me the most. I didn't do anything wrong. AT ALL, well at least not to my knowledge. But like ughh, I don't know.

It was different when it was another chick. And no it's not because it's a guy that's not the point at all. Like if I made it out to be like "oh yeah, well because it's a guy I stand no chance WHATSOEVER" I'd be full of shit and I know that for a fact. The fact of the matter is that they are totally completely different situations. Like really they are. She didn't want to be with ol' girl (or at least that was the impression I was given. But hey, what do I know right?) she wanted to be with me, and wanted me to have all of her. But not now. She wants to be with him. It's like what am I suppose to do about that? I'm honestly helpless in this situation.

Like okay yeah granted she wants to be with me too, but it's not like I have a greater pull on her, or like a leg up on the competition ( I don't know where these weird idioms are coming from, but bare with me please) because of that. But I don't know. I had to have done something. There had to be something missing because if everything was fine, if I was satisfying her (and I don't mean sexually for all the pervs) the way I thought I was, then she wouldn't be looking for something else. Like there's something that I can't provide.

What sucks the most is that I let her in so much. Like more than she knows, more than she'll ever know, and I feel like when it comes down to it, it just might not matter. It really might not. And like I'm not mad, at least not at her. I don't even know if I'm mad or what. I don't know anything. I just hate crying over shit like this. Crying isn't going to fix anything, not at all. So whatever I don't know. I'm so frustrated with...the world.

I wish I could just crawl under a boulder until this was all cleared up. It'd be so much easier and, believe it or not, a lot less painful. *sigh.

#31

I was under the impression that if I didn't acknowledge certain feelings that I wouldn't be disappointed or distraught if the situation didn't turn out in my favor, but whatever at that because I still feel it, be it acknowledged or not.

I really don't want her to leave me. Simple as that, yet as complicated as that.

#30

Break?

I wish I could forget everything she said, everything she promised. Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so bad. Real talk, I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I hate this.

#29

I keep trying to numb myself to everyone and everything and it works for a little bit, but I swear it's starting to really tire me out.

Sometimes I find myself analyzing past conversations or reading old text messages and trying so hard not to feel anything. But honestly, I feel like I'm dying on the inside. Like my heart has been ripped out of it's location and my brain feels scrambled. I can't find words to express things anymore. I mean I can, but I keep trying to not make her feel bad. Like I keep it to myself so that she won't feel bad. Or maybe because I'm afraid of her response, better yet, her lack there of. But in theory if I know her so well, or as well as I think/thought, then this should have been no problem. I should be able to talk to her with no problem right? Wrong. Maybe I don't know her as well as I thought I did. Did I assume I knew her? I don't know.

She said that we jumped into this because we both knew she wasn't over her, so who's to blame? Is there a blame that needs to be put? I don't know. This situation is so colorful so, I don't even know. I mean, I keep finding myself saying that. The worse thing is that my stomach use to do back flips when I would talk to her, now it feels like I'm being punched. I feel bad because of this. I want to fix it, but I'm starting to see that this is really out of my control. It's like really all I can do is sit back and watch the situation unfold and hope for the best. Because talking isn't working. Or maybe the right words aren't being used. Sometimes I feel like I've let her in completely but she shuts me out still. Like she still has this wall built up. It's like why do I have to gain the trust of someone who should have never taken it away from me? I didn't do anything to my knowledge, so why the smoke and mirrors?

And like whenever I do or say something I feel like the only thing I hear is about someone else doing it. Funny thing is, she says that's how she use to feel. Hmm...I don't know. I really don't. It's like I feel like she's heard everything before, been there done that kind of thing you know? And what are you suppose to do for a person like that? I wish I could talk to her the way I use to but I feel like everything I say starts an argument of some sort. I don't know. Everything is a big question mark, it really is.

*sigh (I do that a lot now. I'm at such a lost for words).

#28

This blog is long overdue.

Like I have stuff to put down, but so much time has elapsed. Well not really, it's just I don't know, I'm adjusting. It's hard to talk about something when you're trying your hardest to believe that it was just a dream. Sadly though, it wasn't just a dream. It really did happen.

Let's see: the last, I don't know, week or so (give or take a couple days) I've cried. Wow, that's really hard to let stay on the computer screen. I erased it like 4 times debating over whether or not I'd leave it. But who reads this thing anymore? Exactly. But like yeah, it's like I hate feeling like situations are out of my control. But that's what it is. There's nothing I can do to fix it and like I have so many emotions building up inside, they're so all over the place and it translates to numbness. Unfortunately that's not how I really feel. I like to tell myself that it's whatever, that I don't care but in all actuality I do care. It's like...eshh blehh gay. I don't have words to express this because there are too many words to express it.

But what am I suppose to do? There's honestly nothing I can do and I already know that. So am I to sit back and just let "shit happen"? I'm not quoting that to be derogatory, it's just that's all I've been hearing lately. Shit happens. So please, someone please tell me what the fuck you're suppose to do after shit happens? That's such a fucking cop out. It's basically like saying, well whatever. Ughh stupid phrase. My brain hurts so badly from thinking and not even thinking just...feeling I guess. It's like I feel all these damn emotions at once and it's so painful. It's like my brain and my heart are screaming, but I can't figure out what they're saying. I can't figure anything out anymore and that's not me. I'm so...

I wish I knew what I SHOULD feel. Like I don't even know that. I haven't been so speechless, answer deprived, unoptimistic in I don't know how long. And it's not even that I don't have hope for the situation. I do, but I always have hope for the situation. But what does hope do? What had hope done? It hasn't fixed anything. If anything, it's made everything worse. If you hope for nothing, there's nothing for you to be disappointed in. It's like this fear, vulnerability, whatever the fuck you want to call it, isn't working for me. I don't know how to just let things happen. That's not my style.

Sometimes I feel like this isn't even happening to me. Like I'm just watching it happen, and God how I wish it was true. Like this is too...amazing (not in a good way) to actually be happening. But why am I so amazed? It's like I've dealt with this situation before, granted they have significant differences, but the general idea is the same. It's like I feel myself going inside myself (that sounds really odd but whatever) and I just...I don't know. I'm fighting like hell to keep my sanity without getting my heart broken...


*sigh.

#27

There's no such thing as a quick fix. So I'm learning how to take my time because GREAT things come to those who wait.

We'll be okay, I'm quite sure of it. :D

#26

Day by day it gets a little better, but I still feel confused.

Like I have things I want to say, but I'm not sure how to say them. Actually I don't even really know what I want to say. And I've learned from experienced that I need to make sense if I'm about to express myself and I can't do that. I really can't. Like things I'm thinking aren't being fully developed, my thoughts are pretty much all over the place and I keep trying to pin point certain ones so that I can understand them, but my word they're moving so damn fast. And on those rare occasions when I actually can think about something for a second, my thoughts start to scare me. It's like ughh, this stuff is just so...wow.

It just want to go back to how we were.

#25

I'm laughing. I wish it was a laugh of happiness.
I'm always a step behind no matter what. Whatever, that's life. Shit happens.

I wish I could fix this.

#24

You know how something's broken and you know it's broken, but the only way to fix it is to find out what it is that is exactly broken? Well, that's where I am.

I know we're not how we usually are. I know that something isn't right and I want to fix it, oh God how I want to fix it. But I have no clue as to what it is that is broken. Like I always feel like I'm over analyzing a situation so I keep it to myself but I want to tell her. I want to tell her that I feel like something has changed between us, but then I know she's going to be like what do you mean and I can't explain it to her. And if I can't do that, then what's the point in bringing it up right? It's just going to make stuff weird and it's just not going to end pretty.

But then how do I fix it? How do I make things get back to how they use to be? How to I make this empty feeling go away because nothing seems to be working. This hollow feeling isn't vanishing and I keep trying to ignore it thinking maybe it'll stop, maybe I'll just wake up and it'll be better, but I don't even know anymore. Like I'm scared that because I can't get my point across and because I can't, I'm not going to explain this to her because what the fuck is there to explain? What am I suppose to say after she asks me to elaborate? "Oh sorry, can't do that yet because I myself don't know what the fuck is wrong. Sorry let's take a rain check." That's not going to do. But like I was saying, I'm afraid that because I can't tell her this, I'll just stop telling her stuff all together and I'm fighting like hell to make sure that doesn't happen because that's so easy for me, but with her, I'm not taking the easy way out. She deserves better.

Oh God but last night...I nearly shit myself. I couldn't believe how calm I was though. Like even in my head I was calm. It's so weird because usually I would have lost it as soon as I would have suspected something. I don't even know what to say about it though. Like I'm not mad, sad, hurt, frustrated...anything. I have no emotion towards the situation at all and I have no idea why. I'm afraid though, I'm so afraid...

I miss her. I miss her so much it hurts and I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't.

#23

For such an avid blogger, I really have been slacking lately, but I've been busy and not really sure how to get my thoughts down.

I'm not even sure if I'll use this as much anymore now. Like I may just write the shit down instead because it's entirely too much of a hassle to get on the computer. I don't know, I most likely will wind up doing both because I really do like this little blog believe it or not. Like it does help...sorta. I don't know though because it still isn't completely private. Whatever I guess.

I miss her. It's like I make it so dayumm awkward when I miss her. Need to change that like A.S.A.P. type shit because I fucking hate it. Gosh why am I cursing so much? Why is this blog so random? I don't know. I'm not in a blogging mood. I'm not in an anything mood. Eshh, this is gay. I need to see her now. Depression cuts deep, I need to go do something productive like murder someone. Hehehe just kidding, but seriously I need to do something to take my mind off of this whole missing mode thing. Yeahh, good luck finding something Kenne.

I wonder if this is normal...

#22

DAMNNNNNNNN at me. Can't believe I actually had the balls to say it.

Like it's not like I didn't want to. I've been wanted to tell her that I loved her. But like at first I wasn't really sure if I loved her like how I use to. That was on that friendship love and a little more but now, I don't even know what this is. It's like...right. Right is the only word I can use to describe it and last night when she said it to me I was like WOW, in shock kind of stuff you know because that's not something you just say to anyone.

And like I've wanted to tell her for a bit of a minute, like once I realized that I was IN LOVE with her, but I didn't want her to think it was too soon or that I was rushing into stuff and it be weird between us. Like I'm not rushing anything at all, it's just I can't deny feelings that are THAT strong you know? It's pretty much on that impossible side and it's been torture trying to hold it in, but I was willing to suffer because the last thing I wanted was for anything to change between us. Like I can't remember the last time I was this happy and this comfortable with someone. Like I can tell her anything without worrying about it because I know she cares and I know it's not that fake bullshit caring. It's genuine.

Everything about her, about us, is right. And I hate that she thinks she has to worry about someone taking me. Like she said, shit happens and I'm not trying to promise anything, but who in their right mind (not saying that I'm always in my right mind but for this I know I am) would leave something so great/excellent/extravagant/spectacular/amazing to go back to something that's less than that? It doesn't make sense, not to my brain and especially not to my heart. It's not right for someone to pick up the broken pieces of my heart just so I could go back to someone who would break them again. Like I'm not stupid and for once, my heart and my head are on the same page. Like stuff makes sense.

And it would be so easy for me to sit here and be like "oh yeah, this is easy" because I've done it before, but it's not easy. It's not easy to let myself be that vulnerable again. It's like for some strange reason I have so much faith in her. So much faith that she wouldn't fuck me over, that she would use "I love you" against me. Because like when she said it, it wasn't like she was just saying 3 words to me, I've never felt so many emotions expressed in just 3 words. It's like she was saying so much more than that to me. And like I hope that she got what I was trying to express. Because it wasn't just "I love you too" it wasn't that at all. It was covered in dripping in so much more meaning than that and I think she felt what I was trying to say. Like it was...I don't know how to describe it. But it's right and I don't want any of this to go away because when I'm with her nothing/no one else in the world matters.

Right about now I don't care about being vulnerable because I love her and she loves me and that's really all that matters now. That's really all I need.

#21

Yesterday's blog was just to let off steam. I'm really not that mean. Just in my head, I swear.

On a lighter note, I find myself reading/hearing people talk about how they want someone who'll do all this stuff and blah blah blah, but I've noticed that if you go out looking for someone to be a certain way, you'll get fooled. Like if you want someone to be your "everything" you'll find them. You really will, but I'll tell you from experience, they will NOT be what you were expecting. And it'll just be harder to leave once you realize it.

Like I'm so glad that for a change I wasn't looking for anything when I found her. Like she just came out of nowhere and I'm so glad. Like this is so much better than I could have ever expected/hoped for/wished for or any of that good stuff. Like I haven't been this happy in God knows how long you know? And like I've never spent days with someone and the minute I have to leave, I feel like I haven't seen them in years. Like I miss her like every waking moment and I think about her all the time. It's crazy because the only time I think about people in a constant state is when they're doing something to upset me. But that's not the case with her.

I want to tell her something, but I don't want that to fuck anything up. Because usually when stuff like that is expressed it just ends poorly and God knows that's the LAST thing I want to happen. It's crazy. But I already know I do. It's just a matter of expressing it I guess... I will though. Just not now, the time isn't well, I guess it's just not the time yet.

It's whatever though. I'm happy. End of story.

#20

I hope you get AIDS and prostate cancer. I also hope you get hit by a big semi-truck and your dick falls off you and you have to live as a eunic. I really do hope so.

Umm, would you mind taking a permanant vacation from the Earth? Maybe go chill on Mercury or Pluto or Hell? I don't care, just go die. That would be a great birthday present. Please, proceed in ending your existence so I don't have to waste time doing it for you. Please, give me the satisfaction. But before that, would you please grant be the great pleasure of castrating you? I would greatly appreciate it.

#19

Why can't she just leave me alone?

I was getting over her, no lie. Then she calls and says all this shit and ughhhh I hate her. I hate her so much, I wish she would just go away because she fucking sucks. She has some nerve saying I'm hurting her. I'm hurting her? DOES SHE KNOW HOW MANY TIMES SHE'S HURT ME?! How much shit she's fucked up? Gosh she's so fucking self-centered. But what the fuck is my problem? It's like she tells me I'm hurting her, that I'm breaking her heart and I'm the one who's apologizing. Like are you kidding me?

I don't want to be with her. I just want all this fixed. I don't want to hurt anyone, like I'm not sitting her trying to hurt her. I'm just trying to be happy. Like how many times have I put aside my shit because I wanted her to be happy? Fuck! She fucks with my head so much. No one can do that. And ughh this is so retarded. FUCK FUCK FUCK! Shit. Ughh.

Moving mountains...I swear that song makes so much more sense to me. I hate that I can't hate her. Why won't she leave me alone?

#18

Gosh so much stuff.

It's like I find myself saying that a lot. So much stuff to say, and you know what, maybe there isn't so much stuff to say. I think there's one thing to say because everything else has already been said. Like me saying this again won't change the fact that it didn't get through her head the first 8 THOUSAND times I said it you know? It's like I've told her time and time again about how I've felt and now that SHE'S ready I'm suppose to drop my life and just go back with her? Hmm I think not. It's like yeah she were there for me, but then again, she really wasn't. When I need to talk, when I need her support and what not, she was ghost because as usual, she was wrapped up inside herself. She were suppose to know this stuff, know how my mind works. LIKE COME ON! 2 fucking years and she still can't seem to get it. It's like so frustrating.

And I'm not even sure why I'm still getting mad. Because that's what it is now. But I'm more mad at myself because I let this situation get to the point that it got to. I knew how she was, I knew she wasn't going to change, but God how I prayed that one day she would. That one day I wouldn't have to wonder about her and feel unwanted and neglected and what not. And like I hate saying this because it makes me sound like I was oh so dependent on her. But whatever, I was. At that time, she was all I had and I was content with that. But when it started getting to the point where she was treating me like shit, I should have left. But what would I have done? What was I suppose to do? What are you suppose to do when you'd do anything for someone and they treat you like you're less than dirt?

It's like she expects me to still be there waiting for her. And I don't want that anymore. I love her so much, and like I'm never not going to love her. But God do I hate her. I hate that she would take me for granted and that she didn't care enough to pull her head out of her ass to check and make sure that I was okay. I always cared and listened to her bullshit and what not even when I was having the worst possible day, and she basically gave me a big "fuck you" wave and went about her life. And what's worse about the whole thing is that I knew she was telling me go fuck myself and I stayed. And I kept going back. And you know what, I'm mad at me for doing that, for knowing the kind of person she changed into. It's like I was so holding on to who she use to be that I failed to notice that she was never going to be that person again.

All the shit I put up with from her, for what? For love? Is that love? Letting someone treat you like shit because they say they love you? Is that what it is? Because if so, fuck that. I'm done with that. Please someone give me a better definition than that because it's like everyone seems to say that shit to you, and then they fuck you over. Like because they love you they have the right to do that. That's bullshit. I wish I could stop loving her. I wish I could stop thinking about her. And honestly, I've yet to find out what I learned from the situation with her. Like if anything, it taught me not to love anyone. Like she scares me so much, everything about her because she has this control over me. Or does she? Does she still have it? But what the hell, that's on me. I should know better. It's like a thief staring you in the face telling you they won't steal your television while they're sizing up the door to make sure it'll get out of your house without a scratch. Ughhh!

It frustrates me so much because her impact on me has caused me to fuck up so many of my later relationships. And not just relationship relationships. I mean like friends and all that shit. Because I let her treat me anyway for the longest time and just gave in when she was like I've changed. BITCH YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED! Got damn, she's still the same person and cares about the same shit. I can't believe how much stuff I put on the line for her. How much shit I put up with from someone who really didn't deserve it. I'm done making excuses for her. She's NOT a good person, fuck it. That's not me being bitter, it's the truth. She WAS a good person, she was all that and more and she was caring and she was there. God was she there, all the time and you know what, I really did think she cared, but now I don't know. It's like I find myself questioning everything about her, about us. Like haven't felt so used and mistreated by someone I loved- by someone who said they loved me- in the longest time.

And like I stayed so long because I told her so much. Like my whole life story and it scares me that I allowed myself to get so close to someone and they would just fuck me over. It makes me never want to get that close to someone again. But I damn sure don't want her to be the reason my life gets fucked up. Just because she's fucked up and can't see when someone who's actually there and cares and is willing to do anything for them is right in front of her, doesn't mean I need to be that way anymore. I've let so many relationships go down the drain because of this and I'm done with it. I really am.

I'm so afraid to let myself fall that hard for anyone again, but I'm not willing to fuck this up for her. Not again. No, not again.

#17

Wow. Too much stuff on my mind not enough time to think about it all.

And I'm not even sure if there's anything to think about. Like I know there's stuff to think about but. Ughh idk, it's getting harder for me to keep things to myself now. Like I want to tell her everything but I can't find the words. And maybe that's just laying it all out there. Last time I did that I got so attached and I just ughh idk.

I want her to know everything. To understand everything, but I'm so afraid to let her all the way in. It's like I can't put all of myself out there. Or can I? Should I? She deserves that much. But like it's not even like I'm keeping anything from her. It's the same things I keep from everyone. But she's not just everyone...so I should just tell her. But ughh idk. I don't want that in her head. It's bad enough it's in mine. Why is this so hard? Why couldn't I just be ughhh normal? FUCK!

Whatever. It'll come up eventually and I'll tell her then...but I'm so afraid to talk about it.

#16

Anyone who reads this probably thinks I'm bipolar. I'm not. I promise.

I'm glad that we're okay. I'm not about to lose her, because she's one of the best things that's happened to me in a while. I'm not fucking up a good thing.
I'm really happy I have her.