#51

I changed the title of this blog because I started thinking about it. "Hmm..." is very vague. "A Curious Incident" however, isn't. I find most of the things that happen to be to be curious incidents. For example, I find it to be a curious incident how you can talk to someone for you entire life and they know nothing about you, but you talk to someone for 10mins and you can tell them almost anything. And rather than calling it nonsense or saying it's irrational,
I'd rather just call it a curious incident.

Why Are People So Fascinating?

I've yet to figure it out, but I really do find people fascinating, like I don't understand why people do certain things. They know the outcome will be negative and they don't like negative outcomes yet they do the activity anyway. And people's emotions often fascinate me. They change rapidly, like to the point where sometimes I think that everyone is bipolar. But why do people think that you should be interested in them? Yes, I said I find them fascinating, but just because something is fascinating doesn't necessarily make it interesting. Fascination and interest are totally different things. Something could interest you and be not fascinating in the least bit. Yet, something could be unbelievably fascinating yet you're really not interested in it. Maybe that's just me though. I'm odd. I like it.

What's wrong with you?

#50

Don't worry, I didn't forget to post I was just busy with Homecoming and all that good stuff but I have good news. Like 2 things back to back. What a concept?

Okay so last night I was on the phone with Mariah right, like that's something new hehe, and I'm telling her about all this random shit. Some about Alex and some about Denise but the majority of it was about Karla. So I was about to tell her about the conversation (by the way in blogs 48&49 I was talking about Karla, if you didn't figure that out), but then my fucking stomach started hurting so bad that I couldn't even function yenno? But eventually I got the balls to tell her what happened and I'm like yeah, are you proud of me? And she's like more than you know baby and all this other stuff yenno and my heavens it was amazing! I was so proud of me and I felt so darn good.
Okay so for good thing number 2:
So last night Mariah was talking about some kind of surprise and I was like what is it I'll help you and she's like you can't it's a surprise for you and I was like ohh okay. Then I just kind of forgot about it. Then today we were texting and like it was a casual conversation and when I was in 7th, I got a text from her and she was like what time do you get out of school and i'm like ohh 1:34 (it's actually 1:39 but I didn't find that out til today hehehe sad I know) and she's like oh okay. And I'm like why'd you ask and she's like does it matter and I'm just like whatever loser yenno all casual because I didn't think anything of it. I thought like she really just wanted to talk to me so I didn't think much of it. Then after school we're standing in this group and I look at my phone and I have a text and a missed call, both from her so I responded to the text then I called her back and she's like "where are you gonna be in 20mins and I'm like at school because I stay after school for long periods of time for no reason hehehe really I do and she's like okay I'll call you back. So after about 20mins of my antsy anticipation I called her and was like what are you up to Mariah and all that and she's like nothing really. I'm just going to pick up Marci and Seven (her sister and her nephew) and so I'm like okay well I'll call you later because I have to call my mom to come pick me up and she's like no you're not getting off the phone and I look up or whatever and I see her car. And I'm just like omg yenno because I haven't seen her in like a week so I was just excited to see her and so I start walking to the car and I get pretty much to the passenger side and she holds up these pink roses and I'm just like OMG MARIAH WOW! Like all shocked but when I get shocked I start laughing and like turn around semi walking away. Then so when I walked back I walked to the drivers side window and she got out and gave them to me and I'm like thanks yenno and she's like will you go back out with me? And of course I do my OMG loud shocked semi walk away thing and I came back and said yes. But then she had to leave to go get her sister so yeah. But she's pretty much amazing.

So let's see, I have A's&B's for the first quarter, my house for CADD is actually decent, Homecoming week is OVERRRRR!, Fall Rally is coming up, the amazing month of November is taking place (limited amounts of school) and 060308 is off pause.
:D pretty cool day. I knew post number 50 would be amazingly amazing. Hehehe, until next time.

#49

I've been in major depression mode since like 2 days ago. Basically ever since I got that phone call.

I'm not sure why though. Like I don't know what it is, I just know that I'm depressed. Gosh, sometimes I just wish people could leave me alone. Like really I should just never answer my phone, but ughh I don't know. I really hate this shit and I want to talk to "someone" about this, but man I don't know. You know how you can talk to someone about ANYTHING IN THE WORLD and then out of know where something happens and you feel like it'd be best if you just kept it to yourself? That's kind of what I'm feeling right now because like I hate worrying people unnecessarily. But I'm not sure if it's unnecessary. Or even if it's something to worry about. I don't know, it's just really on my mind like a lot and I want it to go away, but I can't make it. I keep listening to all this music that relates to this, but it's not about who you would think it was about. Like I don't know. Major reflection on a lot of stuff and then like foreshadowing too. Like I'm seeing what would happen if I was to do one thing, but I can't see how this will turn out if I just leave it like it is. But I want to. I want to just be I don't know. I just don't want to be confused anymore about any of this because it's retarded and it always seems to happen.
And like I keep trying to pretend like everything's okay, but it's not. But I don't wanna say that it's not okay because I'm really not sure. Like I'm not decision making right now or even thinking about making decisions I'm just bouncing ideas around in my head not even CLOSE to making any kind of decision. Because I know what I should do, I know what everyone wants me to do, and I know what I want to do but I still can't get this off my mind because you know as easy as it may seem, it's quite a hard situation to deal with. Especially alone.
But there's no way I could explain this to anyone without them thinking that I'm confused for the obvious reasons. I don't really think I'm confused about that. I know what I want and it would be the stupidest decision I've ever made if I was to do what I would have done in the past especially because I already know the outcome. But see there's the problem. I don't know the outcome because the facts of the situation have changed, but I know I really don't want to give this up. It would be stupid and I can't be that stupid. I can't allow myself to be that stupid; hell, my brain would barely allow me to think about it. But I have been thinking about it, that among other things. Like don't think that this is the only thing on my mind. It's not. This is just the only thing that I'm willing to share with you and as you can see it's really not that informational. I'm not even really telling you what's going and I'm sorry for that, but I'm private, believe it or not.
But continuing on, this is just entirely too confusing. And I wish I could explain this to "someone" but of course I CAN'T! Major suckage.

:/ this isn't getting better.

#48

The 48th blog post. Almost the 50th. I don't know why I'm saying that, but it just seemed pretty cool to me. Maybe I'm just weird.

Anywho though, interesting phone conversation last night. Like ohmy, it caught me off guard. But in all honesty, it shouldn't have. I should have been expecting it because I know better. I should be use to expecting the unexpected. Eshh, I felt bad though, but I don't really know what was going on my heart. My brain was in the way of that and was NOT trying to ease up. Which I'm happy about, but then again I'm pretty curious as to what it was I was feeling. Like I don't even know what I was suppose to feel, but I don't really think there's a type of protocol for these types of things. Hmm... very interesting. I'm pretty shocked though and I think that's why I can't feel anything for the situation. It hasn't really hit me yet, but I'm really afraid of what I may feel when it does hit me. Like will I consider it or what? Because yeah people should be allowed to redeem themselves, but there's a limit my dude. Like how many times have you...whatever I know the facts of the situation and I'm not like retarded with this I'm just really like Hmm...random much? It's really been on my brain and I don't really want to talk to anyone about it because who I want to talk to about it, I can't because it's really not an appropriate topic to talk to them about. And then the other people I want to talk to have preconceived notions which they really should because of the stuff that happened but I don't know. I think I just want someone to listen. Or no, I want someone to tell me about how I should feel about this because I'm really pretty confused. Like not in the way that you'd expect because on that, I'm not. I'm not confused about that at all (Oh how foul it would be for me to be confused this late in the game. Such irony). But that's what's confusing me. The fact that I'm not confused in the typical sense of the word and the fact that I'm confused about these feelings that I'm not feeling. I guess I should just wait for the shock to wear off.

Oh my, but these muthafucking females. OOOOHHHHHH I was so heated today. Like ughh, bitch back up you're not even gay, but she is. And she be on her shit like wtf for real though? For real? And then this one, she wants to act like she's cool with everything, but I'm hearing that if she could she'd "fuck that bitch up" and that the other one needs to "get the fuck over herself" which is crazy funny mainly because she doesn't curse and partly because she's another one who isn't gay but is. Ughh dumb. And then ol' boy? Hmm wow at that. He's cool though. OHHHHHH and this young one. She's a trip, like wow. Interesting interesting. Total craziness. ANDDDDDDDDDDDDD this one, always up under me and shit. That would be and interesting match up though...hmm? Nawwwwww stop it stop it. But yeahh, I don't even know man. I don't even know.

Today I had my Learning For Life kids, and I LOVE THEM! They're so amazingly cute and my God, they're so fucking smart. Lil' Mama is my girl though (we had them write the name they wanted us to call them and that's what she wanted). And Maya was sweet too, but I think the sweetest one was Ashley with her pretty ass hair and what not. She was so cute, so shy but then again not. Idk, and they loved them some Mikee (Mike-EEEEEEEE heheh inside joke). They loved us (yeah, Sadu was there too mhmmm). Oh and the teacher, Ms. Council, she's so damn funny. She's black and so damn hood, like she was like "No. Today is a NO day so everything you ask the answer is NO." Hehe she was amazingly funny. Yeah, that's the only thing that made my day better because before that, can you say MAJORLY GAY! Especially stupid ass History. That's the ONLY CLASS where I have a C. Like wtf? I hate History and I hate fucking Mrs. Lee's ol' snobby ass with her bitch ass attitude problem, but my Lord, she's fucking hott as shit. Mhmmmmm.

Anyway, my eyes hurt. I'm running on like 45minutes of sleep. Real talk my dude, so until next time.

#47

I don't even remember the last time I posted to this blog. It's hard yenno because I hate being in the hallway (where my computer is) because I feel like everyone's watching what I'm typing. Whatever though.

So let's see let's see. I can't even begin to tell you what's been going on since the last time I posted. Hmm, well let's see umm on the 26th (of September of course) me and Mariah got in this HUGE ASS argument right? Like so bad that when I called her back on Sunday (the 28th) she was still crying. I felt like shit. Ughh I don't even wanna think about how bad that was. Like for the next week all I wanted to do was die because like I've never made someone I was going out with cry like at least not without them making me cry first yenno? And like I just felt so fucking inadequate; like I was genuinely sorry and I knew she was too sad to hear me out. Not that I really anything to say. God, it was horrible. As melodramatic as it sounds, I really did feel like I was dying. I didn't eat, couldn't sleep. Like I was walking and like broke down to the point where I couldn't walk. Shit it sucked. And then okay, well that Friday, October 3rd, we didn't have school but on Thursday we had RCM, Regional Conference Meeting, for Key Club and me and Sadu were gonna go because it was A-Tech and we really didn't have anything better to do (sadly hehehe) and like when we were walking there I saw Mariah's mom's car. How did I know it was her car even without my glasses on? No clue, I just knew. And I almost died. Like I had to stop walking my stomach was hurting so bad. And so we got there and I saw her but of course I didn't say anything to her. Like I wanted to but I didn't really have anything to say so I just tried to be happy yenno and that didn't work because my mind was just on her and ughhhhh it sucked I don't know. At one point I just got so fucking overwhelmed. Like we were about to leave because I started crying. But we had to go get Flo and she was with James. So we go outside and me, Taylor and Sadu meet up with those two but like I didn't even wanna be there so I went and sat down and just started crying so hard. Then Sadu came over there and we talked and ughhh it was gay, but I was just like fuck this I'm going home or at least leaving A-Tech yenno? So we start heading inside and I'm walking ahead of all of them to head to the bathroom to clean my face and like the glass on our doors is tinted so I couldn't see that she was standing on the other side of the door and when I went in, she grabbed me and like whatever so she was talking to me or whatever and I was crying and so she hugged me and ughhhhhh okay. Well long story short we started talking again, which is AMAZING (by the way that's THEE LONGEST TIME we've ever gone without talking) .

Uhhh ever since then (well up until Saturday night but I'll get to that) we've been really good. Like amazingly good. So let me tell you how my stupid brain got in the way on Saturday, the 18th. The "Light the Night" walk was Saturday aka the day in question hehe and like the day before we had all went to Frightdome and we were cool but apparently (which I didn't find out about until last night) I said/did something that pissed her off so she didn't wanna talk to me anymore and I already had other shit on my mind so I was just like what the fuck ever man. Like I was just not in the mood so I didn't even try to make up with her yenno I just let her be all angry and shit. Then I got this phone call and ughh whatever all this bullshit that just contributed to my utter annoyance. But yeah then so I was talking to Sadu and I'm like telling her and I'm just like yeah and I'm so confused about us. Like are we together or what and blah blah blah and ughh whatever no need to dwell on that. Skip to Saturday. I was still kind of upset about the night before and I didn't really wanna talk to her so when Sadu was like Oh I See Mariah, I was just like okay whatever. Then Michelle, Mariah's friend, called us over there so we went over with them and like I had walked away but I felt bad because I didn't say anything to her so I was like alright I'll just say hey or whatever. And I went over there to say hi and I gave her a hug, TOTAL COLD SHOULDER still. Granted, she did hug me back but it was more of a pat on my back. So I was just like okay whatever because I was gonna walk with her but after that I was just like whatever. So right then I planned on talking to her about where we stood yenno? I mean I knew she loved me and there wasn't really any doubt in my mind, but I just really needed to know for my mind's sake. I can't explain to you (whoever it is that you may be) why, but there's an endless list. But yeah, so we go back to the A-Tech group and we were gonna walk with them til Mariah called and she was like well do you have to be with them and I'm like no, and she's like then come over here. So I did and I'm like hey and she's like all I get is a hey? And so I'm telling her how she was being shady yesterday and how she like BARELY acknowledged me when I came to say hi to her earlier and okay whatever long story short we resolved it. So after the walk they had all this free food and while we were eating Chelsey came and we had some business to take care of hehehe and so I was still thinking about talking to her so I told her that I'd be back and that I wanted to talk to her later or whatever and she's like okay. So then I was talking to Natalie about it and she's like okay well don't be scared. And like she's telling me how it won't turn into an argument or whatever and all this shit. So okay we go back to them and like me and Mariah start walking around and stuff and I wasn't gonna bring it up but idk we got into like a micro mini argument and she brought it up. So we started talking about it and OHMYWORD did that turn out way different than I expected. Like honestly I was just trying to see where her head was. Like I was gonna be like yeah, where are we going because like I don't want to be like this forever yenno and of course because it was me talking that's not what came out because I got nervous and frustrated with myself and ughhh whatever at that. So like she wanted time to think so I let her think and then she had to go so she called me and told me she was leaving so I was like okay bye. So I texted her and we were talking and I apologized and well yeah. So before I went to sleep I called her but she was sleepy so we didn't talk much. The next day, she calls and we were talking about everything and after a while I just couldn't be on the phone because I felt bad and I couldn't explain myself and I was just like ughh. So then I texted her all this shit about what I was thinking and how I was sorry about Saturday and then like I was getting ready to leave, oh by the way I was at Sadu's house hehehe, and like she calls me and she's like check your messages so I do. And she sent me this LONG ASS MESSAGE just with everything in it and wow. It was insane, good insane though (060308 :]<3)>