#22

DAMNNNNNNNN at me. Can't believe I actually had the balls to say it.

Like it's not like I didn't want to. I've been wanted to tell her that I loved her. But like at first I wasn't really sure if I loved her like how I use to. That was on that friendship love and a little more but now, I don't even know what this is. It's like...right. Right is the only word I can use to describe it and last night when she said it to me I was like WOW, in shock kind of stuff you know because that's not something you just say to anyone.

And like I've wanted to tell her for a bit of a minute, like once I realized that I was IN LOVE with her, but I didn't want her to think it was too soon or that I was rushing into stuff and it be weird between us. Like I'm not rushing anything at all, it's just I can't deny feelings that are THAT strong you know? It's pretty much on that impossible side and it's been torture trying to hold it in, but I was willing to suffer because the last thing I wanted was for anything to change between us. Like I can't remember the last time I was this happy and this comfortable with someone. Like I can tell her anything without worrying about it because I know she cares and I know it's not that fake bullshit caring. It's genuine.

Everything about her, about us, is right. And I hate that she thinks she has to worry about someone taking me. Like she said, shit happens and I'm not trying to promise anything, but who in their right mind (not saying that I'm always in my right mind but for this I know I am) would leave something so great/excellent/extravagant/spectacular/amazing to go back to something that's less than that? It doesn't make sense, not to my brain and especially not to my heart. It's not right for someone to pick up the broken pieces of my heart just so I could go back to someone who would break them again. Like I'm not stupid and for once, my heart and my head are on the same page. Like stuff makes sense.

And it would be so easy for me to sit here and be like "oh yeah, this is easy" because I've done it before, but it's not easy. It's not easy to let myself be that vulnerable again. It's like for some strange reason I have so much faith in her. So much faith that she wouldn't fuck me over, that she would use "I love you" against me. Because like when she said it, it wasn't like she was just saying 3 words to me, I've never felt so many emotions expressed in just 3 words. It's like she was saying so much more than that to me. And like I hope that she got what I was trying to express. Because it wasn't just "I love you too" it wasn't that at all. It was covered in dripping in so much more meaning than that and I think she felt what I was trying to say. Like it was...I don't know how to describe it. But it's right and I don't want any of this to go away because when I'm with her nothing/no one else in the world matters.

Right about now I don't care about being vulnerable because I love her and she loves me and that's really all that matters now. That's really all I need.

#21

Yesterday's blog was just to let off steam. I'm really not that mean. Just in my head, I swear.

On a lighter note, I find myself reading/hearing people talk about how they want someone who'll do all this stuff and blah blah blah, but I've noticed that if you go out looking for someone to be a certain way, you'll get fooled. Like if you want someone to be your "everything" you'll find them. You really will, but I'll tell you from experience, they will NOT be what you were expecting. And it'll just be harder to leave once you realize it.

Like I'm so glad that for a change I wasn't looking for anything when I found her. Like she just came out of nowhere and I'm so glad. Like this is so much better than I could have ever expected/hoped for/wished for or any of that good stuff. Like I haven't been this happy in God knows how long you know? And like I've never spent days with someone and the minute I have to leave, I feel like I haven't seen them in years. Like I miss her like every waking moment and I think about her all the time. It's crazy because the only time I think about people in a constant state is when they're doing something to upset me. But that's not the case with her.

I want to tell her something, but I don't want that to fuck anything up. Because usually when stuff like that is expressed it just ends poorly and God knows that's the LAST thing I want to happen. It's crazy. But I already know I do. It's just a matter of expressing it I guess... I will though. Just not now, the time isn't well, I guess it's just not the time yet.

It's whatever though. I'm happy. End of story.

#20

I hope you get AIDS and prostate cancer. I also hope you get hit by a big semi-truck and your dick falls off you and you have to live as a eunic. I really do hope so.

Umm, would you mind taking a permanant vacation from the Earth? Maybe go chill on Mercury or Pluto or Hell? I don't care, just go die. That would be a great birthday present. Please, proceed in ending your existence so I don't have to waste time doing it for you. Please, give me the satisfaction. But before that, would you please grant be the great pleasure of castrating you? I would greatly appreciate it.

#19

Why can't she just leave me alone?

I was getting over her, no lie. Then she calls and says all this shit and ughhhh I hate her. I hate her so much, I wish she would just go away because she fucking sucks. She has some nerve saying I'm hurting her. I'm hurting her? DOES SHE KNOW HOW MANY TIMES SHE'S HURT ME?! How much shit she's fucked up? Gosh she's so fucking self-centered. But what the fuck is my problem? It's like she tells me I'm hurting her, that I'm breaking her heart and I'm the one who's apologizing. Like are you kidding me?

I don't want to be with her. I just want all this fixed. I don't want to hurt anyone, like I'm not sitting her trying to hurt her. I'm just trying to be happy. Like how many times have I put aside my shit because I wanted her to be happy? Fuck! She fucks with my head so much. No one can do that. And ughh this is so retarded. FUCK FUCK FUCK! Shit. Ughh.

Moving mountains...I swear that song makes so much more sense to me. I hate that I can't hate her. Why won't she leave me alone?

#18

Gosh so much stuff.

It's like I find myself saying that a lot. So much stuff to say, and you know what, maybe there isn't so much stuff to say. I think there's one thing to say because everything else has already been said. Like me saying this again won't change the fact that it didn't get through her head the first 8 THOUSAND times I said it you know? It's like I've told her time and time again about how I've felt and now that SHE'S ready I'm suppose to drop my life and just go back with her? Hmm I think not. It's like yeah she were there for me, but then again, she really wasn't. When I need to talk, when I need her support and what not, she was ghost because as usual, she was wrapped up inside herself. She were suppose to know this stuff, know how my mind works. LIKE COME ON! 2 fucking years and she still can't seem to get it. It's like so frustrating.

And I'm not even sure why I'm still getting mad. Because that's what it is now. But I'm more mad at myself because I let this situation get to the point that it got to. I knew how she was, I knew she wasn't going to change, but God how I prayed that one day she would. That one day I wouldn't have to wonder about her and feel unwanted and neglected and what not. And like I hate saying this because it makes me sound like I was oh so dependent on her. But whatever, I was. At that time, she was all I had and I was content with that. But when it started getting to the point where she was treating me like shit, I should have left. But what would I have done? What was I suppose to do? What are you suppose to do when you'd do anything for someone and they treat you like you're less than dirt?

It's like she expects me to still be there waiting for her. And I don't want that anymore. I love her so much, and like I'm never not going to love her. But God do I hate her. I hate that she would take me for granted and that she didn't care enough to pull her head out of her ass to check and make sure that I was okay. I always cared and listened to her bullshit and what not even when I was having the worst possible day, and she basically gave me a big "fuck you" wave and went about her life. And what's worse about the whole thing is that I knew she was telling me go fuck myself and I stayed. And I kept going back. And you know what, I'm mad at me for doing that, for knowing the kind of person she changed into. It's like I was so holding on to who she use to be that I failed to notice that she was never going to be that person again.

All the shit I put up with from her, for what? For love? Is that love? Letting someone treat you like shit because they say they love you? Is that what it is? Because if so, fuck that. I'm done with that. Please someone give me a better definition than that because it's like everyone seems to say that shit to you, and then they fuck you over. Like because they love you they have the right to do that. That's bullshit. I wish I could stop loving her. I wish I could stop thinking about her. And honestly, I've yet to find out what I learned from the situation with her. Like if anything, it taught me not to love anyone. Like she scares me so much, everything about her because she has this control over me. Or does she? Does she still have it? But what the hell, that's on me. I should know better. It's like a thief staring you in the face telling you they won't steal your television while they're sizing up the door to make sure it'll get out of your house without a scratch. Ughhh!

It frustrates me so much because her impact on me has caused me to fuck up so many of my later relationships. And not just relationship relationships. I mean like friends and all that shit. Because I let her treat me anyway for the longest time and just gave in when she was like I've changed. BITCH YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED! Got damn, she's still the same person and cares about the same shit. I can't believe how much stuff I put on the line for her. How much shit I put up with from someone who really didn't deserve it. I'm done making excuses for her. She's NOT a good person, fuck it. That's not me being bitter, it's the truth. She WAS a good person, she was all that and more and she was caring and she was there. God was she there, all the time and you know what, I really did think she cared, but now I don't know. It's like I find myself questioning everything about her, about us. Like haven't felt so used and mistreated by someone I loved- by someone who said they loved me- in the longest time.

And like I stayed so long because I told her so much. Like my whole life story and it scares me that I allowed myself to get so close to someone and they would just fuck me over. It makes me never want to get that close to someone again. But I damn sure don't want her to be the reason my life gets fucked up. Just because she's fucked up and can't see when someone who's actually there and cares and is willing to do anything for them is right in front of her, doesn't mean I need to be that way anymore. I've let so many relationships go down the drain because of this and I'm done with it. I really am.

I'm so afraid to let myself fall that hard for anyone again, but I'm not willing to fuck this up for her. Not again. No, not again.

#17

Wow. Too much stuff on my mind not enough time to think about it all.

And I'm not even sure if there's anything to think about. Like I know there's stuff to think about but. Ughh idk, it's getting harder for me to keep things to myself now. Like I want to tell her everything but I can't find the words. And maybe that's just laying it all out there. Last time I did that I got so attached and I just ughh idk.

I want her to know everything. To understand everything, but I'm so afraid to let her all the way in. It's like I can't put all of myself out there. Or can I? Should I? She deserves that much. But like it's not even like I'm keeping anything from her. It's the same things I keep from everyone. But she's not just everyone...so I should just tell her. But ughh idk. I don't want that in her head. It's bad enough it's in mine. Why is this so hard? Why couldn't I just be ughhh normal? FUCK!

Whatever. It'll come up eventually and I'll tell her then...but I'm so afraid to talk about it.

#16

Anyone who reads this probably thinks I'm bipolar. I'm not. I promise.

I'm glad that we're okay. I'm not about to lose her, because she's one of the best things that's happened to me in a while. I'm not fucking up a good thing.
I'm really happy I have her.

#15

I've haven't cried this much in so long.

Gosh I wish I could just erase the last 2 days out of existence. I really just want to forget all of this. Like everything is just building up so much and I'm so tired of crying because nothing's getting fixed and nothing is changing. It's like why can't I just have her? Why can't she just be happy with me?

I feel so dayumm useless. Why can't she just want me? Why am I not good enough?

#14

It's funny how a song that has no words can describe everything you're feeling.

There's this classical song by this pianist named George Winston called February Sea and it's so good. Like he doesn't say anything, not at all, but the way he plays, wow. It just intrigues me and it catches me and i focus on that and everything else just seems so far away like nothing can touch me. Like I'm in the zone and the only thing that I can hear, feel, see, smell, taste are the music notes and the feelings that he's expressing. And like I like it because you can interpret it in anyway you feel; there's no right or wrong.

He plays with such emotion, such strength yet he's so subtle it's amazing. It's unlike anything else and the more I listen, the more wrapped up I become until I'm apart of the music, like it's ringing in my head for days on end and I've never expreienced that with a song. It's calming yet it's exciting and it makes me think but then again it makes me focus on the music that he's playing instead of the problems that I'm experiencing.

It makes me cry, but a soothing cry. Like a release of emotion and it's painless. It's like crying without knowing your crying. It like a natural high when I hear it, and it's hard to explain to people who don't feel the same way. It's like trying to explain it makes you sound crazy like you need help or something because in all honesty it's just a song. But it's more than a song. It's your emotions, it's your issues, your heart out there. And that's what it really is. It's like he's playing my heart on the piano.

It's kind of a bad thing sometimes though. Because I cry every time I hear his music. Because it's like he's saying everything I'm feeling. All the words I can't find, all the things I want to express and get out and have understood by everyone get expressed every time I play one of his songs. And I could listen to his music on repeat for endless amounts of time. His melancholy pieces are my favorite because those are the ones that get everything out in the open. His ferocity is unbelievably amazing and it possesses me in ways that I never thought classical music could. It takes you on a journey. Like when he going slow he's explaining it to you, like preparing you and then when it's fast and loud it's expressive with so much emotion and so much feeling and I always feel like he's saying "hey, this is how it is. This is how I feel, so listen to me."

It's like he speaks without words. And expresses himself in ways I didn't know you could do with out movement. But he is moving. His music is moving and shaping and touching your heart and extracting the things that you're trying to get out and putting in things that you're not necessarily sure you wanted there, but now that they're there it's so peaceful, but not and I'm totally rambling about an classical song. But I'm really not.

I'm just trying to explain everything. It's like everything is building up inside of me, to the point where I'm just like fuck this, I can't take it anymore. But when I hit play and the notes from his piano come out, it's like a release. It's like he's saying, "yeah this situations sucks, probably worse than you'd expect, but listen to me help you get through this. Listen to me get your point across and fuck the rest of the world because it's about this moment and what's going on now and not about everything else. It's about you; you and this music and your heart and your pain and your anger and frustration and your disappointments and your disapprovals and your failures and your sadness. It's about that. And I'll help you through this, so just listen." It's like the it gets it. It gets me and it's listening to me say absolutely nothing. And it's letting me cry it out because shit happens and it's okay for me to not be okay.

And that's what it really is. Letting me know that everything's not okay, but that's okay.

#13

I wish she could just talk to me.

I know something is bothering her. I know it because I know her, and no matter how many times she tries to lie to me and say there's nothing bothering her, I already know. I have a feeling I already know what it is. I get so damn paranoid about it too. Ya know? Like maybe just maybe... whatever.

I don't know what it is, yet I do. This is so difficult sometimes.

#12

That's a good question. Why wasn't I talking as much yesterday?

I really don't know. Like she makes me so nervous. And there's so much stuff on my mind that I want to say, but I can tell when things just may start and argument. I'm curious about her and there are so many things that I want to ask her, and sometimes I wish I could just ask her without her changing her mood on me, ya know? Like she can go from happy to sad/mad/frustrated in like 2.5 seconds and I don't want her to be upset.

I don't know. It's like sometimes I just want to ask a question without having to worry if she's gonna get mad or if she's gonna go inside her head like she does a lot. And I think by me doing that, I'm the one going inside. I'm the one hiding shit and it's not my intention. I don't know, I talk on the phone because if I stay silent then there's no point. You can't tell someone that you want to be on the phone with them and then just not talk. I don't know, words just seem to get in the way. I think that's pre-programming. I grew so accustomed to not talking to my "significant other" that it just stuck in my mind. I'm use to listening because I'm use to not being able to ask questions. I don't know.

I have so much to say, yet nothing to say at the same time. It's so hard.

#11

Today pretty much sucked cow ass.

Gosh I can't begin to fathom the idiocy and selfishness this girl seems to be suffering from. Who is honestly that cruel? I'm not in the mood for anything. My stomach hurts, my head hurts, my eyes hurt, my arms hurt and I'm just not in the mood.

Karma, what did I do? Please tell me what I did? This is honestly retarded.

#10

She hasn't been one of the best of friends lately. Not at all.

It's like I understand that she's going through stuff with her family and the whole coming out thing, I really do get it. But she's not being a friend at all. She's suppose to be my best friend, and I was always there when she needed to talk and what not and I've always cared about her happiness, but she can't take 2 minutes or so out of her day to call me? What's up with that?

And she's been lying and I've been catching her in them. Like I won't say anything because it doesn't make me mad, it kind of just disappoints me. Someone who's suppose to be my best friend is lying to me, straight to my face instead of just telling me the cold truth. Like I really don't care if she wants to go hang with her girlfriend. My personal feelings aside that's her girlfriend so I show her that respect. And I get that she doesn't want me to have to hang with her and her girlfriend or whatever, but come on. Since when do you put you're significant other before your best friend? I thought it was bros before hoes. Or did I just get the wrong memo?

For someone who supposedly holds the role "best friend" in high regards, she surely isn't acting like a best friend. And the sad thing is, is that I've already spoken to her about this. It could have been easy for me to be like, "whatever fuck her, I don't need that bitch," but I'm not gonna do that to someone I consider a best friend. Maybe that's be being ignorant or what not, but as long as I can sleep at night, I'm fine.

I just don't get it though. I really don't and this sort of sucks.

#9

Hehehe, she's so funny and I'm such a creep.

So I asked her out because I knew she wouldn't do it. Then I broke up with her so that she'd do it. Hehehe we're retarded. But I like her. :D<3!

#8

Everyone seems to be getting over their ex's. It's a beautiful thing.

I mean it took me long enough right? Something like 400 thousand years, well at least that's what it felt like. And I'm so proud of myself. Sometimes it seems like it's something I shouldn't even make a big deal out of, but it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But you know what? I feel good. Like I'm really done with all that drama.

And in plus, I'm fallen for someone else; someone better. She's such a sweet heart and ahhh, I really really REALLY like her. Like everything about her makes me happy and she's just so aljdlfjaljdljflajlgjodjaojeo. I can't describe it. But everything she does makes me feel so great because basically she's the shit.

Life's getting pretty good now.

#7

Whoa, this blogspot got me in a lot of trouble. Well I'm not sure, kinda.

Basically, what I said was interpreted wrong and I hate that. I hate being misunderstood. Because it wasn't meant to make her upset; I didn't want to hurt her. That's the last LAST thing I wanted to do, but like I like her so much that I keep messing up ya know? Shit. I hate that.

But like for real, I like her too much, it scares me sometimes. I don't know why, I'm just really afraid to get attached ya know? And eshh, I feel like sometimes when I'm with her, I'm just messing shit up. But she makes me feel so good. Like I'm the shit even when I'm not. It's like I get this ultimate natural high whenever she's around. Nothing can touch me kind of stuff ya know and it's so weird because I wouldn't be expecting to feel that. I don't get that happy ever and it's really noticeable.

But I get so afraid. Like I feel like I could lose her so quickly ya know and I don't want that. AT ALL. It's like I don't want to lose one of the only things that makes me extremely happy, on that ecstatic "type shit." I'm not trying to fuck this up, she's like one of the only good things I have going for me right now. And I can't seem to get her off my mind ever. It's so crazy, and it scares me so much. Like what if one day she finds a way to get me off of her mind? What am I suppose to do then? Like this girl got me seriously trippin and thinking thoughts that I usually don't think. That shit is just having me so dayumm nervous. When I get around her, I have mini heart attacks. And when she touches me, wow. Not even gonna start (no I'm not over hear having orgasms hehehe calm down killer).

I'm really really fallen for her and I'm so afraid that she just may let me hit the ground. But as afraid as I may be, I'm still going to let myself fall.