#77: The Eve Of The Beginning

In retrospect, I have done a lot of things that should be called to question. However, the things I noticed about you should fall under the same scrutiny. What am I suppose to do? Given two choices, isn't there suppose to be a lesser of the two evils? Am I currently missing it due to the fact that I don't want to make the wrong decision? Either way, something gets lost and it's a matter of what I'm willing to do without.
The decision seems neither easy nor simple, yet I keep trying to fit it into this "cookie cut" category. Things don't always fit the way one expects them too. I'm learning that now. If this is possible, could it be possible that some things just are the way they are without true reason behind them? I find that hard to accept. Maybe because accepting that means I accept that you're evil for no reason.
I honestly can't explain why I even tolerate it. Friendship; could a word so simple be so complex? Why is that while everything else is falling into place, a dark cloud still follows me? The human mind is a fascinating thing. Anger and fury can fill your heart, yet in the same instant, compassion and a certain softness can conquer. It's hard hating someone for what they've done, but sympathizing because you understand they're hurt.

It's sad to see how bad off you are when everything is coming together for me. Never have I been so genuinely satisfied with my situation. Never have I smiled such a true smile. Never have I felt more close to knowing who I am.

"I would never have placed us together because we're so different, but I couldn't see myself with anyone else."
Forever.

#76: Behind The Mask

"What makes you want to be faithful to her all of a sudden?"
"Because she deserves it."

I love you.

#75: The Matrix

I've unknowingly been letting someone else shape my opinion. The ironic thing, however, is that we are both independent thinkers; in other words we're the people who won't allow our opinions to be shaped by the opinions of those around us. It was an intentional act on the other persons' side and unfortunately, I didn't notice this for a while due to my naivety. But my eyes are open now.

We took the red pill tonight. I wonder how deep the rabbit hole goes...

#74: Late Response

Topic of the day: Confusion.

Lately I've found things to be quite confusing. However a lot of the things I'm finding confusing I've already deemed confusing in the past. In a sense, I'm being confronted with ideas that I was presented with before and when I was orginally presented with them, I saw them as confusing. I began to wonder why these ideas weren't bothering me as much as they once had. I mean in theory if they were once confusing and I never decided that they were no longer confusing then they should still bother me just as much. Ahh, I see. The frustration or fascination that presented itself with these confusing ideas has disappeared. Basically I'm not fased by them any longer.

I'm in the process of making some hard life decisions.

I want to write you a letter explaining it all however it won't matter. Nothing really matters anymore and the decision is left up to me in the end. If only you cared again...

#73: Nonsensical Nonsense

Please forgive my absense, I've been lost in my head...

If I walked around carrying a notebook writing down everything about you that I never wanted to forget, would you call me weird?

Sometimes I get the urge to write things on the walls, on the ceililngs, on myself. I don't know why I don't; maybe because it's socially incorrect.

I'm currently and constantly in a drug induced daze. I lose track of my days quite frequently, my short term memory loss has gotten worse. I like it though. In a sense, it's like discovering new things everyday.

Lately I've been thinking so much that my thoughts build up an insane amount of pressure within my head. To put it simply, it feels as though my head is going to explode a lot of the time. Thoughts began to leak out of my mouth; a lot of the time I don't realize this. Subconscious relief; however I never feel very relieved afterwards just tired.

I know someone who never believes he is wrong. At first I was intrigued by her, but now I find him to be a tad obnoxious and undoubtedly condescending. When someone tries to sound smart, it takes away from everything they're expressing, a flaw I would love to express with her, however he believes he knows all. A lost cause; how sad.

If we humans were able to use 100% of our brains, we'd most likely be able to blow things up with our minds.

Please forgive this post, I'm still lost inside my head...