#43

I'm quite sure that no one really reads this anymore so I guess there's no reason to actually leave out names and what not.

Moving on, Mariah broke up with me. I don't know why I'm saying this though. I'm not sure if it's to make it more real to me or just to state the facts, but that's what happened. I find myself wanting to read the text messages over and over again, like that's some how going to fix it, but like I've said before, you can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be there. I've know this for a while, yet I kept holding on. I mean it's common sense, if someone keeps doing things to hurt you it's obvious that they want to leave, but I'm naive. I believed what she said regardless if it directly conflicted with the things she did. I honestly believed everything she said, and I don't know if I'm stupid for that. I don't know what it is I am for that...

I trusted her though. Even when I was saying I didn't trust her, I trusted her. It was like this, I knew she was capable of betraying my trust because she did yenno? But I still had the faith in her- or maybe I was just naive enough- to believe that she wouldn't do it twice. Not after seeing how deep that cut. Not at all, but honestly I guess I didn't really know anything. And I tried to fix things, I even asked if she wanted to fix things... and as I'm writing this I find myself erasing things just in case she may read them. I don't want to hurt her, which is unbelievably nonsensical. But honestly, I can't make myself think differently. When I asked her if she wanted this relationship she got offended, but who's fault is that really? Would I have to ask "obvious" questions if the answer was obvious? I mean I'm a pretty smart girl for the most part, so I think I may have known if the answer was as obvious as it seemed to be to her.

It got to the point where she was no longer interested in me. Granted, I believe that she loved me, there was no question about that, but despite popular belief, love isn't always enough. If you're not interested in someone, you can't be with them and that's what it is. She lost interest in me, she lost the desire to "stalk me" (it's a reference to a previous blog), and you can't make someone want you. Yes, I want to fix this, but there's nothing to fix anymore yenno? There's honestly nothing I can do because she's washed her hands of the situation. And it's hard to know that something isn't your fault, that it was honestly out of your control, but feel like you caused this. Like I find myself thinking, "well maybe if I... then she wouldn't have had to..." It's just like... I honestly don't know.

It's really hard to trust anyone anymore...

#42

I don't understand this right now.
My best friend's back though. I can talk to her and see what I should do...

#41

What the fuck was the fucking point of that?! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING FUCKING WRONG AND WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!


FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!
FUCK ME? NO FUCK YOU because I didn't do shit at all so what the fuck ever!
fuck fuck FUCKKKKKKKKKK!
fucking fuck! FUCK! shit fuck fuck fuck fuck BULL FUCKING SHIT! FUCKING SHIT! FUCK FUCK!
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK FUCK?! FUCK!

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk! FUCK! OH MY FUCKING FUCK!
If it's not one fucking thing it's something FUCKING ELSE! fuck! AND I DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING DO SHIT!
FUCK! Fuck fuck fuck me in the fucking ass! FUCK!
fkadmflajdfoajofjdlmflamdlfjaldfgl FUCK!

















and to finish this off.
FUCK.

#40

My mind is pretty stable for the most part, but of course it's never super stationary.

People tend to label things so quickly. And they categorize things too and if something doesn't fit exactly into those categories then people flip out. My mind doesn't work that way at all. I was about to say I wasn't sure if that's good or bad, but I'm not even going to worry about that because it's my brain and it's my life yenno? I'm comfortable with whatever way I think about certain situations.

But like I think certain people make decisions based on retarded logic, not that it's my place to decided for someone and it's not even that. I wanted to just express my opinion, but I'm actually pretty glad that I didn't. I'm learning that yeah it's okay for me to have an opinion, but it's not necessarily always my place to express it. It's not my life and if someone hasn't asked for my opinion I should keep it to myself. And I think that's the hardest thing for me to come to terms with because I'm just watching people make choices that are going to negatively affect them. Like what would posses you to make this choice when you know it's not going to end in your favor?! I don't know; people, myself included, make some dumb decisions but I'm glad that for once I'm actually learning from this stuff. Not so much mistakes, but detours yenno?

Earlier in this post I talked about label and categorizing things, and I'm not going to lie, I'm guilty of doing it, I think everyone is. It's like I guess as you gain more intelligence (because it's not necessarily as you get older), you learn that certain thing just don't make sense. That's one of the many things that I'm learning.
I'll tell you one thing though, this summer has been a summer of great realization.

#39

My word yesterday was amazing.

I got her back. August 10, 2008 @ 10:21 p.m. outside in her backyard with wet socks on. Today just felt so right. Like I wasn't confused about anything and it was fucking AMAZING yenno? And like two nights ago we were on the phone and like I was incredibly tired and she said:

"I'll sing to you until you fall asleep"

And I don't remember falling asleep but still yenno? I haven't felt this good in such a long time and it's just wonderfully amazing.
Best friend comes back in 8 DAYS! I'm so damn excited! :D

#38

This is dedicated to the only girl who I'd fight for.

Mariah, please don't think that I'm only writing this because of what possibly could happen. This isn't the case. I writing this because this entire time we've been on break I've been trying to act like this doesn't affect me. Matter of fact, I don't know what I was doing. I wasn't being truthful with you though and our current predicament shows that. Baby, I need you in my life. You're the only good thing I have going for me right now and yeah, lately shit hasn't been right with us, but fuck all of that because I'm so done trying to hide my feelings from you. I'm done trying to act like this doesn't affect me. I can't do it.
And I can't go on knowing that there's something I could have done to fix this. That's all I want is to fix this because I love you so much and when I look at people, you're the only one I see. And I'm constantly thinking about you and talking about you and wanting to be with you. And fuck this bullshit thing called pride because it's just getting in the way of something that could possibly be beautiful. And there's so much I wanna say but I'm not sure what to say. It's like I can't see myself without you. And every slight bit of happiness that's crossed my past recently hasn't been as good because I wasn't sharing it with you. I've lost you before and that was the worst feeling in the world and if this break has shown me anything is that I don't like the idea of living without you. I can talk to you about anything and everything and I trust you so much with everything in me and I'm just saying fuck all the bullshit. Fuck everything that's happened to get us to this point and let's just start from the beginning because me and you are great together and everyone can see it. And I haven't been this happy with someone in forever. And like I said before I know shit has been fucked up between us lately but everyone has problems and we can get through this.

Just give me the chance to start over. That's all I want...

#37

In the last 2 days I've done a lot of thinking, like decision making thinking.

The different aspects of me have yet to come to an agreement on what to do, but I think I'm understanding things a little better. Well not really, I'm not so sure as to what it is that's going on with me. I think I'm kind of just trying to figure out how to be okay, and I don't know sometimes I'm good, not great but not bad just kind of...okay. But then there are the moments when I see things and I think of her. And it's not the whole "thinking of her" thing that makes me not okay, it's the feeling that she isn't thinking of me.

I've learned that you don't fully understand something until you're going through a situation where it applies. For instance, the phrase 'actions speak louder than words' I always believed that. But I didn't like FEEL IT until like now. It's like things have been said that I don't feel. I believe them not because I want to and not because I have to and not because I don't want to hurt her feelings or any of that sort, I believe them because I know she wouldn't lie to me. But there's a difference between believing someone and feeling what they say. I can't come up with a good enough analogy to explain it, I think it's one of those things you learn from experience. It's not necessarily the way things are said, because a person could say something with an extreme amount of passion yet they feelings still may not transfer.

I don't think that's necessarily anyone's fault. It's not one of those things that can be simply blamed on someone. I'm starting to see that a lot of stuff is like that. Or maybe that it's not MY fault. I mean I naturally feel the need to take the blame for things, but when I think of all the things that I've blamed on myself, it really seems ridiculous. My justification for it was that there's a reason for everything. Stuff just isn't there you know? And I'm probably right, but my problem was that I was trying to find the reason for why things are. I guess now I'm just letting stuff be the way it is because that's the way it is. And if people want to add justifications then they can do that.

It was like I knew the facts but had speculations disguised as reason. It was like "well if she did this, then I must have been doing something wrong" or "if this happened then I must have done something in order for it to happen" and I was using karma to back me up, but maybe I was wrong. Not about karma, because I still think karma is inevitable, maybe I was wrong about me doing something wrong. Maybe karma was coming after them and I just happened to be in the cross fire and maybe someone did something because they wanted to do it. Maybe she talked to her know what was going to happen because she wanted to talk to her. Maybe she "engaged in activities" with him because she wanted to. Maybe I didn't have to do anything. Maybe I was actually an alright girlfriend and she just happened to want to do something. Granted, I would hope someone wouldn't want to do things that they know would negatively effect their relationship and hurt someone that they said they didn't want to hurt just because they wanted to. Hopefully there's a deeper reason for it, but maybe I don't necessarily need to know because maybe it had nothing to do with me.

It's like one of those things like, damn I would love to know why this person would do such a thing, but for once I'll wait until I know the reason before I automatically assume it's my fault. I don't know... and the whole "break" thing. I kept saying that I wasn't sure what the rules were for breaks and she didn't know either and I kept getting input from everyone, but what I just realized is that this is OUR relationship so we should have followed our own rules. Of course we didn't have any because this idea of a break didn't even seem fully developed. I'm not trying to figure out why any of this happened, from the break to the "incident" (when I give it a name like that, it makes it easier to think about) because there's really no reason to figure anything out. I mean all pride aside, if she decides that she wants this relationship then maybe that's the time that those things get figured out, but until I know what she wants to do I'm not going to try to find answers to questions that I shouldn't be asking myself, you know?

I guess we'll see how this turns out.

#36

Is it bad that all I want to do is hear her voice? My God I miss her so much and I want to fix this but I didn't do anything. I didn't fuck it up this time so there's nothing I can do and ughhhhhhhhhhh! I want to talk to her.

FUCK!

Two blogs in one day? This shit must be a lot more fucked up than I orginally thought. *sigh, and of course, my efforts to satisfy were in vain, but this isn't my fault. How I wish I could believe that.

#35

It's so... I don't know what it is. But Murphy's Law definitely applies:

"Whatever can go wrong, will and at the worst possible time causing the most damage."

And that pretty much sums it up, I honestly did not see this one coming. And like I don't know if I should be mad or what, but I know that what I'm feeling right now is totally not the right thing. I just want to erase it so badly. I finally get that Mario Winans song

"I don't wanna know
If you're playing me, keep it on the low
Cause my heart can't take it anymore"

And like I don't know what to do because I don't know what she wants to do. Like if she wants to be with him...I don't know. And if she wants to be with me...OH GOSH! My brain hurts, I'm so damn confused.

#34

It's quite interesting how something could have absolutely no possible chance of being your fault, yet you feel like you're the cause. It honestly makes no sense really it doesn't, but a lot of things don't. Or so I'm finding out.

It makes no sense how someone can have someone who genuinely cares about them, but they continue to push them away to embrace someone who goes back on their word. But who am I to judge, right? How can I "judge" when I've been guilty of the same thing. I almost put mistake, but is it a mistake? More like a lapse in judgment. It's like you know what you're doing isn't the best thing for you, but you continue to do it. Why? Who really knows. I guess everyone has their reasons: comfort, fear, stupidity, love. Who knows?

It just sucks to be the person on the sidelines watching it happen. Yes, because it hurts and yes because you can't fix it. But mainly because you know what could happen. Because you know what most people do and how the majority of the world always go back to their comfort zones. That's what "sucks" the most.