#82: Nothing Special

ATTENTION:

I'll soon retire my blogspot. While I'll still get on to read your lovely things, I won't be posting as frequently here. It's time for a change, I think. No worries though; I've been recruited onto tumblr. I like it.
Please feel free to follow me: matrixx69.tumblr.com

#81: Fueling the Fire

"If only if only the woodpeeker sighed
The bark on the tree was as soft as the sky
The wolf waits below, hungry and lonely
He cries to the moon, 'if only if only'"

I hate you.

#80: Circling Vultures

"What are we waiting for?"
"Where waiting to attack. Waiting for it all to come falling down. Waiting for the end of it all."

It seems clear: your wait is over.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder... or colder.

#79: Absoulte Freedom

Captivation;
How mentally captivating. It's frustrating in that puzzle solving way and just as addicting. Such unfamiliarly steady ground it evokes such curiosity. Guilty pleasure? No, there's no guilt.
I think that is the ultimate freedom; freedom from guilt. But if one feels freedom from said guilt in the midst of a guilt-soaked situation, does it mean he is inhuman? Is the situation even guilt-soaked? What's going on your side of the fence? so so so many questions... howveryinteresting
It's as though rules of the game have been changed: now it's okay to reveal your cards, you're free from sagacity.

drumdrumdrumwhataconundrumdrumdrumdrum

#78: The Age of Discovery

Simple thing fascinate me.

I enjoy seeing people who believe they have reached a higher maturity level than that of their peers when they are restoring to similar tactics of making said peers aware of this. I believe this to be what we call irony. Am I passing judgment? Forgive me if the impression given off was such; that was not my intention. I'm simply observing my surroundings. Curiously enough, I'm guilty of the same error in judgment- I'm allowed to say that right, being as it my actions that I'm judging.

I don't want to call it luck, destiny or anything of the sort, but certain decisions that I made have cause me to reevaluate what I believed to me be. In a previous entry, I recall saying that I stood amidst the rubble left after the destruction of what I believed to be me and after analyzing the pieces left behind, I've realized that I wasn't happy with who I was. I was blessed with a muse who helped me to see I had to remove my mask to reveal the true ipseity that resided beneath. I now feel the urge to shout from the mountain tops "I AM ME AND I AM HAPPY." Because I am; it's not that I am me it's more that I have become acquainted with me. A feeling which is a result of deep thinking and inspiration: "I think therefore I am."

I'm more aware of the basic wonders in life. Just because you understand how something works doesn't stop it from being magical.

#77: The Eve Of The Beginning

In retrospect, I have done a lot of things that should be called to question. However, the things I noticed about you should fall under the same scrutiny. What am I suppose to do? Given two choices, isn't there suppose to be a lesser of the two evils? Am I currently missing it due to the fact that I don't want to make the wrong decision? Either way, something gets lost and it's a matter of what I'm willing to do without.
The decision seems neither easy nor simple, yet I keep trying to fit it into this "cookie cut" category. Things don't always fit the way one expects them too. I'm learning that now. If this is possible, could it be possible that some things just are the way they are without true reason behind them? I find that hard to accept. Maybe because accepting that means I accept that you're evil for no reason.
I honestly can't explain why I even tolerate it. Friendship; could a word so simple be so complex? Why is that while everything else is falling into place, a dark cloud still follows me? The human mind is a fascinating thing. Anger and fury can fill your heart, yet in the same instant, compassion and a certain softness can conquer. It's hard hating someone for what they've done, but sympathizing because you understand they're hurt.

It's sad to see how bad off you are when everything is coming together for me. Never have I been so genuinely satisfied with my situation. Never have I smiled such a true smile. Never have I felt more close to knowing who I am.

"I would never have placed us together because we're so different, but I couldn't see myself with anyone else."
Forever.

#76: Behind The Mask

"What makes you want to be faithful to her all of a sudden?"
"Because she deserves it."

I love you.

#75: The Matrix

I've unknowingly been letting someone else shape my opinion. The ironic thing, however, is that we are both independent thinkers; in other words we're the people who won't allow our opinions to be shaped by the opinions of those around us. It was an intentional act on the other persons' side and unfortunately, I didn't notice this for a while due to my naivety. But my eyes are open now.

We took the red pill tonight. I wonder how deep the rabbit hole goes...

#74: Late Response

Topic of the day: Confusion.

Lately I've found things to be quite confusing. However a lot of the things I'm finding confusing I've already deemed confusing in the past. In a sense, I'm being confronted with ideas that I was presented with before and when I was orginally presented with them, I saw them as confusing. I began to wonder why these ideas weren't bothering me as much as they once had. I mean in theory if they were once confusing and I never decided that they were no longer confusing then they should still bother me just as much. Ahh, I see. The frustration or fascination that presented itself with these confusing ideas has disappeared. Basically I'm not fased by them any longer.

I'm in the process of making some hard life decisions.

I want to write you a letter explaining it all however it won't matter. Nothing really matters anymore and the decision is left up to me in the end. If only you cared again...

#73: Nonsensical Nonsense

Please forgive my absense, I've been lost in my head...

If I walked around carrying a notebook writing down everything about you that I never wanted to forget, would you call me weird?

Sometimes I get the urge to write things on the walls, on the ceililngs, on myself. I don't know why I don't; maybe because it's socially incorrect.

I'm currently and constantly in a drug induced daze. I lose track of my days quite frequently, my short term memory loss has gotten worse. I like it though. In a sense, it's like discovering new things everyday.

Lately I've been thinking so much that my thoughts build up an insane amount of pressure within my head. To put it simply, it feels as though my head is going to explode a lot of the time. Thoughts began to leak out of my mouth; a lot of the time I don't realize this. Subconscious relief; however I never feel very relieved afterwards just tired.

I know someone who never believes he is wrong. At first I was intrigued by her, but now I find him to be a tad obnoxious and undoubtedly condescending. When someone tries to sound smart, it takes away from everything they're expressing, a flaw I would love to express with her, however he believes he knows all. A lost cause; how sad.

If we humans were able to use 100% of our brains, we'd most likely be able to blow things up with our minds.

Please forgive this post, I'm still lost inside my head...

#72: Washing Filthy Dishware

"...we'll make the biggest mistake of our lives..."

Many thoughts run through my mind. There's a flood of information, a lot of it numbing my reality and though I was truly proud of myself for achieving my goal of avoiding my sweet negative ailments, I don't believe I'll be able to keep this up.
I'm learning that I don't understand a lot of things. Contrasting actions fascinate me. Why are we drawn to things that hurt? How can we physically be dying because of an emotion? How can we want to say so much yet no words escape our mouths? I've heard that things get easier with time; but I don't think so. I've heard that if you talk about it, you'll feel better; but I don't. I heard that if you do what's right you'll be rewarded; but I haven't been. Sometimes we are used to aid in the tests of those around us. Am I being used right now? The human body and mind are unbelievably fascinating.

And the world continues to spin even though mine is coming to a halt.

#71: Pointless Phone Calls

Everything that could be thought as already been thought. What I mean by that is there are really no original ideas anymore. However there are different ways people handle the same information. I feel this is what connects us all.

Happiness is a fleeting emotion for many; I am one of the many.

#70: A Letter To My White Girl

My Love,
It's not that I like you, because I don't, it's that you know me. You know how to take me where no one else can. Effortlessly engulfed by you, with the harsh knowledge that you will destroy me. I've been down this road with you before my love; my love. Yes that's what you are to me. You are the love of my life. But you're not. I hate you. Gosh how I hate how much I need you. The attraction and magnetic pull you have on me is something far stronger than anyone could guess. Many times, I've tried to fill your place with others after deciding I was done with you, but here we are again my love, my heart, my downfall. And as I enjoy your company, I cry. I know what is to come because you have not changed, not that you promised you would. Which, believe it or not dear woman, I find quite honorable. Few people in this world try not to deceive and you are one. I model myself after that, but not after your destructive nature. How on Earth could you destroy me when we're in love? Because we're not. I don't love you at all my love, my heart, my downfall, but like I previously stated, I do in fact need you.
Now the warm days have turned to cold lonely nights, and I see you becoming the most important thing in my life all over again. Sadly, I'm willing to let you. Freedom from life, from self, is a guarantee with you, but as I found out from our last long engagement, you do not offer freedom from you. Trying to become my sole purpose for living, you cut off my ties to humanity making me attached and dependent only on you. The things I've done just to have you close to me would horrify me if I dwelled on them too long, but without you, the pain returns and you are my medication so I endured for you. My love, my heart, my downfall, I wish not to be possessed by you again, but how I wish I could visit you every once in a while without being drawn in. Our brief visit today (though not spent alone) made me reminisce on love we shared, but also made me remember the truth. There was no WE there was ME and MY love for YOU. While you eliminate my pain you eliminate my freedom. How can you free me yet still keep me in your grasp? An amazing woman you are my love, my heart, my downfall. Though pale as the snow, you are darker than coal, than space, than the hole left in my heart by those who said they'd never leave.
MY LOVE; you will never have the love I once had for you again. MY HEART; my heart no longer beats for you and you alone. MY DOWNFALL; that you are. How complicated you make my mind work. Physically emotionally spiritually, I miss you, but physically emotionally spiritually, I wish I'd never met you.

In Hopeful Conclusion,
The Addict.

#69: Before I Die

It find it quite interesting how your soul & heart can die yet your body can carry on. Blood shot eyes and the burning sensation from forcing down the "numbing medicine" have somehow become something similar to normal. Hmm, isn't the human body amazing?

Inhale, exhale. Relax, you're in your own world now love.
no one can reach you...

"...They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding..."

#68: Rebuttals At Day-break

I have neglected my thoughts long enough:

I find people use words incorrectly.
"Anything is possible." No, anything is NOT possible. A man can never bare a child. Old women can not become young and NO ONE can live forever.
"Pride is a sin." No, no it is not (and I sincerely apologize to all of those people, religious or not, who believe differently). If one does something that one is proud of, then one should be upfront with it. I understand why sometimes pride is considered "bad," but being proud of ones' self isn't directly connected to vanity. While it may be annoying, it is still not a sin.
"I will never forget you." Yes, yes you will. You'll get Alzheimer's and I'll become another lost memory. A book will find its way to your face or your skull and you'll get amnesia. One of us will move and another person will move in, and years from now someone will mention my name and you'll say "Damn, I forgot all about her."

You're always on time, until the day you're late. You're never happy until the day you are. You're forever lying until the day you tell the truth. He'll always love you until the day he doesn't. You'll never leave until the day you do.

"Words like 'always,' 'never,' and 'forever' weaken your argument."
-Ms. Burke

#67: Eppur si muove

It's a bit quieter now.

#66: Multiple Visits With Malcomn

"If ponies rode men and grass ate the cows
And cats should be chased into holes by the mouse
If summer were spring and the other way 'round
Then all the world would be upside down."

The sound of the rain hitting the skylight is kind of fading into the background. I've listened to the same CD over and over again and I like when it ends- or when any CD ends for that matter- because there's just silence but you can still hear the music so clearly in your head. So clear that it sounds as though it's still playing. I like that; it makes me feel warm. In the silence after the CD stops, I think and how different things become when given the chance to think. Not to be influenced by the opinions of others, but if logic is presented who am I to turn it down? I've never had the actual patience or level of attentiveness needed to solve puzzles. I crave that skill now. My brain has yet to slow down, I'm not sure I can keep up. Sometimes I become fascinated just watching my fingers move or seeing our hands intertwined. I wonder why I wasn't blessed with the gift of concentration. Curiously enough, I'm like a bull; I hate the color red.

Ambiguity is the word of the day.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

#65: Walks In The Park

"...wondering what went wrong"

To burn the bridges connecting the present to the past. Never have the words not escaped me, but today my own flesh has betrayed me. My thoughts are not my own. Looking at myself, I am not familiar. It's almost calming, like meeting someone new. I do not know you, you do not know me. Do I want to know you? My attention to detail is becoming my downfall. Slight changes in the motion of the air, the sound of the trees, the evenness of her voice. Isolation of self and mind. I ramble on about nothing and everything wishing the words that come to mind would spell out something different. And those around me are diminishing in character, their light slowly dimming their hearts being blacked again by the disgust, bigotry and mistrust surrounding us. I was once told that dark is powerful, demanding. A presence unlike any other. I see light as the exact opposite; it fights for the ground it walks on. So how are we to find the light in the darkest of nights? What are we to do when our flashlight turns off? In search for the button to restore the light, I find myself walking deeper into the darkness. I sacrifice comfort to gain knowledge. Knowledge of self. But as I wait for the rain to come in this barren desert, I become discouraged. Thou hast been forsaken and as I look beg for a sign of hope, of anything really, I feel a drop hit my face. She is that drop.

Oh, who am I you ask? Whoever I want to be.

#64: A Murder's Journal

"My shoe is off my foot is cold..."

Amidst the rubble left after the destruction of myself, I've found bits of what I once knew as "me". But do tell me how you can destroy self, when there is no self there to destroy? Statements equivalent to lack of faith in humanity are to be reiterated until they no longer have meaning. How I wish to erase my memory. Better yet, erase my actions. To take the blame for something that isn't your fault. Tears stream down my face yet the words finding their way to my lips express something different. Though my eyes express everything, my mind can't process any of it. Empathy is a dagger, stabbing away at the walls built on the foundation of imagination. To know nothing and feel nothing. The numbness is horrible. The knowledge of the pain that will follow is worse.

I wave good day to two thousand & nine and I try to wave farewell to two thousand & eight. But as I turn around to say goodbye, I find I've yet to turn back around...

If only I could tell you.