#18

Gosh so much stuff.

It's like I find myself saying that a lot. So much stuff to say, and you know what, maybe there isn't so much stuff to say. I think there's one thing to say because everything else has already been said. Like me saying this again won't change the fact that it didn't get through her head the first 8 THOUSAND times I said it you know? It's like I've told her time and time again about how I've felt and now that SHE'S ready I'm suppose to drop my life and just go back with her? Hmm I think not. It's like yeah she were there for me, but then again, she really wasn't. When I need to talk, when I need her support and what not, she was ghost because as usual, she was wrapped up inside herself. She were suppose to know this stuff, know how my mind works. LIKE COME ON! 2 fucking years and she still can't seem to get it. It's like so frustrating.

And I'm not even sure why I'm still getting mad. Because that's what it is now. But I'm more mad at myself because I let this situation get to the point that it got to. I knew how she was, I knew she wasn't going to change, but God how I prayed that one day she would. That one day I wouldn't have to wonder about her and feel unwanted and neglected and what not. And like I hate saying this because it makes me sound like I was oh so dependent on her. But whatever, I was. At that time, she was all I had and I was content with that. But when it started getting to the point where she was treating me like shit, I should have left. But what would I have done? What was I suppose to do? What are you suppose to do when you'd do anything for someone and they treat you like you're less than dirt?

It's like she expects me to still be there waiting for her. And I don't want that anymore. I love her so much, and like I'm never not going to love her. But God do I hate her. I hate that she would take me for granted and that she didn't care enough to pull her head out of her ass to check and make sure that I was okay. I always cared and listened to her bullshit and what not even when I was having the worst possible day, and she basically gave me a big "fuck you" wave and went about her life. And what's worse about the whole thing is that I knew she was telling me go fuck myself and I stayed. And I kept going back. And you know what, I'm mad at me for doing that, for knowing the kind of person she changed into. It's like I was so holding on to who she use to be that I failed to notice that she was never going to be that person again.

All the shit I put up with from her, for what? For love? Is that love? Letting someone treat you like shit because they say they love you? Is that what it is? Because if so, fuck that. I'm done with that. Please someone give me a better definition than that because it's like everyone seems to say that shit to you, and then they fuck you over. Like because they love you they have the right to do that. That's bullshit. I wish I could stop loving her. I wish I could stop thinking about her. And honestly, I've yet to find out what I learned from the situation with her. Like if anything, it taught me not to love anyone. Like she scares me so much, everything about her because she has this control over me. Or does she? Does she still have it? But what the hell, that's on me. I should know better. It's like a thief staring you in the face telling you they won't steal your television while they're sizing up the door to make sure it'll get out of your house without a scratch. Ughhh!

It frustrates me so much because her impact on me has caused me to fuck up so many of my later relationships. And not just relationship relationships. I mean like friends and all that shit. Because I let her treat me anyway for the longest time and just gave in when she was like I've changed. BITCH YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED! Got damn, she's still the same person and cares about the same shit. I can't believe how much stuff I put on the line for her. How much shit I put up with from someone who really didn't deserve it. I'm done making excuses for her. She's NOT a good person, fuck it. That's not me being bitter, it's the truth. She WAS a good person, she was all that and more and she was caring and she was there. God was she there, all the time and you know what, I really did think she cared, but now I don't know. It's like I find myself questioning everything about her, about us. Like haven't felt so used and mistreated by someone I loved- by someone who said they loved me- in the longest time.

And like I stayed so long because I told her so much. Like my whole life story and it scares me that I allowed myself to get so close to someone and they would just fuck me over. It makes me never want to get that close to someone again. But I damn sure don't want her to be the reason my life gets fucked up. Just because she's fucked up and can't see when someone who's actually there and cares and is willing to do anything for them is right in front of her, doesn't mean I need to be that way anymore. I've let so many relationships go down the drain because of this and I'm done with it. I really am.

I'm so afraid to let myself fall that hard for anyone again, but I'm not willing to fuck this up for her. Not again. No, not again.