#47

I don't even remember the last time I posted to this blog. It's hard yenno because I hate being in the hallway (where my computer is) because I feel like everyone's watching what I'm typing. Whatever though.

So let's see let's see. I can't even begin to tell you what's been going on since the last time I posted. Hmm, well let's see umm on the 26th (of September of course) me and Mariah got in this HUGE ASS argument right? Like so bad that when I called her back on Sunday (the 28th) she was still crying. I felt like shit. Ughh I don't even wanna think about how bad that was. Like for the next week all I wanted to do was die because like I've never made someone I was going out with cry like at least not without them making me cry first yenno? And like I just felt so fucking inadequate; like I was genuinely sorry and I knew she was too sad to hear me out. Not that I really anything to say. God, it was horrible. As melodramatic as it sounds, I really did feel like I was dying. I didn't eat, couldn't sleep. Like I was walking and like broke down to the point where I couldn't walk. Shit it sucked. And then okay, well that Friday, October 3rd, we didn't have school but on Thursday we had RCM, Regional Conference Meeting, for Key Club and me and Sadu were gonna go because it was A-Tech and we really didn't have anything better to do (sadly hehehe) and like when we were walking there I saw Mariah's mom's car. How did I know it was her car even without my glasses on? No clue, I just knew. And I almost died. Like I had to stop walking my stomach was hurting so bad. And so we got there and I saw her but of course I didn't say anything to her. Like I wanted to but I didn't really have anything to say so I just tried to be happy yenno and that didn't work because my mind was just on her and ughhhhh it sucked I don't know. At one point I just got so fucking overwhelmed. Like we were about to leave because I started crying. But we had to go get Flo and she was with James. So we go outside and me, Taylor and Sadu meet up with those two but like I didn't even wanna be there so I went and sat down and just started crying so hard. Then Sadu came over there and we talked and ughhh it was gay, but I was just like fuck this I'm going home or at least leaving A-Tech yenno? So we start heading inside and I'm walking ahead of all of them to head to the bathroom to clean my face and like the glass on our doors is tinted so I couldn't see that she was standing on the other side of the door and when I went in, she grabbed me and like whatever so she was talking to me or whatever and I was crying and so she hugged me and ughhhhhh okay. Well long story short we started talking again, which is AMAZING (by the way that's THEE LONGEST TIME we've ever gone without talking) .

Uhhh ever since then (well up until Saturday night but I'll get to that) we've been really good. Like amazingly good. So let me tell you how my stupid brain got in the way on Saturday, the 18th. The "Light the Night" walk was Saturday aka the day in question hehe and like the day before we had all went to Frightdome and we were cool but apparently (which I didn't find out about until last night) I said/did something that pissed her off so she didn't wanna talk to me anymore and I already had other shit on my mind so I was just like what the fuck ever man. Like I was just not in the mood so I didn't even try to make up with her yenno I just let her be all angry and shit. Then I got this phone call and ughh whatever all this bullshit that just contributed to my utter annoyance. But yeah then so I was talking to Sadu and I'm like telling her and I'm just like yeah and I'm so confused about us. Like are we together or what and blah blah blah and ughh whatever no need to dwell on that. Skip to Saturday. I was still kind of upset about the night before and I didn't really wanna talk to her so when Sadu was like Oh I See Mariah, I was just like okay whatever. Then Michelle, Mariah's friend, called us over there so we went over with them and like I had walked away but I felt bad because I didn't say anything to her so I was like alright I'll just say hey or whatever. And I went over there to say hi and I gave her a hug, TOTAL COLD SHOULDER still. Granted, she did hug me back but it was more of a pat on my back. So I was just like okay whatever because I was gonna walk with her but after that I was just like whatever. So right then I planned on talking to her about where we stood yenno? I mean I knew she loved me and there wasn't really any doubt in my mind, but I just really needed to know for my mind's sake. I can't explain to you (whoever it is that you may be) why, but there's an endless list. But yeah, so we go back to the A-Tech group and we were gonna walk with them til Mariah called and she was like well do you have to be with them and I'm like no, and she's like then come over here. So I did and I'm like hey and she's like all I get is a hey? And so I'm telling her how she was being shady yesterday and how she like BARELY acknowledged me when I came to say hi to her earlier and okay whatever long story short we resolved it. So after the walk they had all this free food and while we were eating Chelsey came and we had some business to take care of hehehe and so I was still thinking about talking to her so I told her that I'd be back and that I wanted to talk to her later or whatever and she's like okay. So then I was talking to Natalie about it and she's like okay well don't be scared. And like she's telling me how it won't turn into an argument or whatever and all this shit. So okay we go back to them and like me and Mariah start walking around and stuff and I wasn't gonna bring it up but idk we got into like a micro mini argument and she brought it up. So we started talking about it and OHMYWORD did that turn out way different than I expected. Like honestly I was just trying to see where her head was. Like I was gonna be like yeah, where are we going because like I don't want to be like this forever yenno and of course because it was me talking that's not what came out because I got nervous and frustrated with myself and ughhh whatever at that. So like she wanted time to think so I let her think and then she had to go so she called me and told me she was leaving so I was like okay bye. So I texted her and we were talking and I apologized and well yeah. So before I went to sleep I called her but she was sleepy so we didn't talk much. The next day, she calls and we were talking about everything and after a while I just couldn't be on the phone because I felt bad and I couldn't explain myself and I was just like ughh. So then I texted her all this shit about what I was thinking and how I was sorry about Saturday and then like I was getting ready to leave, oh by the way I was at Sadu's house hehehe, and like she calls me and she's like check your messages so I do. And she sent me this LONG ASS MESSAGE just with everything in it and wow. It was insane, good insane though (060308 :]<3)>