#45

This blog was orginally about something else, but I guess it just doesn't seem as important anymore.

I just finished writing an essay for my Composition class about how to tie a shoe, I don't know why I'm telling you this. I don't even know who "you" is referring to, but whoever "you" are I think you should know that as easy as that may sound, it's not. It's a little more complicated and I still have to read this story and have a "conversation with the author" while doing so. Which basically means that my teacher wants us to take notes on it, but we're suppose to actually feel what the author is saying, yenno? And I have yet to even look at the story, but I really hope that it isn't boring because if it is, I'm going to let this author know that.

I had an interesting conversation with Mariah tonight (well this morning but you get my point). I feel kind of bad now because she thinks that I expect her to fix everything right away and I actually think she may be right. I think I did want to fix this like ASAP because for a while, my relationship with her was the only thing I was doing that was right. And as much as I conscientiously know that it's going to take time to get comfortable- I'm not sure if that's the right word right now, but my brain is really tired and I have a cramp in my arm so every time I have to backspace something, I cringe so I guess I'm using that word for now- with one another again, sub-conscientiously I'm still looking for that quick fix. I'm usually not like that though. I'm the "let's isolate the variable and solve for x" type of girl not the "let's look in the back of the book for the answers." I wish there was a back of the book with all the answers in it. That would be amazing. It really would. But yeah, I really am going to try to be my normal self. The realist not the idealist. I'm not an idealist, although there is an aspect of my personality which I've recently discovered which has idealistic qualities. But I don't think that makes me an idealist, and I guess since it's me and since it's my opinion of me then that's all that matters.

This blog is so random, but I like it, because I feel like I got everything off my chest. And I don't even think it was because of this blog that I feel that way. Like I previously stated, I was on the phone with Mariah tonight (this morning, whatever) and we had and interesting conversation and I pretty much told her everything that bothers me and like when she was explaining some things to me, she said it with so much passion, it's sort of hard to explain and I was crying, but I'm not so sure why. Like originally it was because I was frustrated but after a while, I continued to cry and I couldn't figure out why and maybe that's why I stopped crying. I think you should only cry if you have a reason. But maybe crying for no reason is a reason. Yeah, I know that didn't make much sense. I don't know. I feel relieved a little bit. Like I think I can actually think straight. But I'm afraid to say that because every time I do (that cramp in my arm is really getting to me now), something way out of whack happens that totally messes up my whole mindset. No matter, I'll just basque (that's bask spelled the CORRECT way hehehe) in the satisfaction of a restful mind.

Okay, well I should go have that "conversation" with the author of that story. Goodnight or goodmorning.