#3

I haven't freaked out this hard in a while. Like usually when something unexpected happens, I can handle it because there are just certain things I expect from people. I would have never IN A MILLION YEARS expected this. My biological father just called me.

Every time I say those words "biological father" in my head or out loud, I always feel like I'm about to cry. Like I didn't even know what the fuck to call him! What is wrong with me?! I was dead ass silent for pretty much most of the conversation, which he didn't notice because he's a talker. He's always been a talker for as long as a remember, but it was okay. I was actual in utter and complete shock. It made me feel like I was 4 again, but not in the good way. In that way that I want to believe in everything he's saying because that's...that's my dad no matter what happens. But he's such a liar.

He told me he's becoming a truck driver, so he'll come and see me or whatever. And I want that to happen more than anything, but I know he's lying. You know how you know someone's lying to you and you know they're lying but no matter what they say, you believe them? That's how it is with my dad. And I fucking hate that more than anything because I just want him to tell me the truth. Don't tell me what I wanna hear, and don't lie to me, just come out and say the God honest truth. I really just want that connection but I really don't want it to be another let down.

And what am I suppose to do with my stepdad? I don't want to hurt him, not at all, but I really want that thing with my dad. I've always been a daddy's girl and I just want that again. But it's not right that he can just leave and waltz back into my life like it's absolutely nothing. I'm just ughhhh! I don't know, I honestly don't know. And this doesn't happen to me. I know what to do in pretty much EVERY situation; but not this one, definitely not this one.

I just don't want another disappointment. I really don't think I could take that.