#49

I've been in major depression mode since like 2 days ago. Basically ever since I got that phone call.

I'm not sure why though. Like I don't know what it is, I just know that I'm depressed. Gosh, sometimes I just wish people could leave me alone. Like really I should just never answer my phone, but ughh I don't know. I really hate this shit and I want to talk to "someone" about this, but man I don't know. You know how you can talk to someone about ANYTHING IN THE WORLD and then out of know where something happens and you feel like it'd be best if you just kept it to yourself? That's kind of what I'm feeling right now because like I hate worrying people unnecessarily. But I'm not sure if it's unnecessary. Or even if it's something to worry about. I don't know, it's just really on my mind like a lot and I want it to go away, but I can't make it. I keep listening to all this music that relates to this, but it's not about who you would think it was about. Like I don't know. Major reflection on a lot of stuff and then like foreshadowing too. Like I'm seeing what would happen if I was to do one thing, but I can't see how this will turn out if I just leave it like it is. But I want to. I want to just be I don't know. I just don't want to be confused anymore about any of this because it's retarded and it always seems to happen.
And like I keep trying to pretend like everything's okay, but it's not. But I don't wanna say that it's not okay because I'm really not sure. Like I'm not decision making right now or even thinking about making decisions I'm just bouncing ideas around in my head not even CLOSE to making any kind of decision. Because I know what I should do, I know what everyone wants me to do, and I know what I want to do but I still can't get this off my mind because you know as easy as it may seem, it's quite a hard situation to deal with. Especially alone.
But there's no way I could explain this to anyone without them thinking that I'm confused for the obvious reasons. I don't really think I'm confused about that. I know what I want and it would be the stupidest decision I've ever made if I was to do what I would have done in the past especially because I already know the outcome. But see there's the problem. I don't know the outcome because the facts of the situation have changed, but I know I really don't want to give this up. It would be stupid and I can't be that stupid. I can't allow myself to be that stupid; hell, my brain would barely allow me to think about it. But I have been thinking about it, that among other things. Like don't think that this is the only thing on my mind. It's not. This is just the only thing that I'm willing to share with you and as you can see it's really not that informational. I'm not even really telling you what's going and I'm sorry for that, but I'm private, believe it or not.
But continuing on, this is just entirely too confusing. And I wish I could explain this to "someone" but of course I CAN'T! Major suckage.

:/ this isn't getting better.