#61

How very very complicated you are. Like a mystery. A rubik cube with 12 sides. A crossword puzzle with 2 clues. A map with no legend. But the unexplainable connection and emotion I feel for you is insane.


"To have everything and nothing." Please release me from this hell in which you've placed me. What test are you giving me because I fear that I may not pass it. The knowledge I possess doesn't begin to suffice for the amount that I need for this. "This pain will be useful to you one day." I doubt this strongly. In what way will this be beneficial? I see no end or no purpose to this. "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." No, what doesn't kill you leaves a horrible scar with worse memories. Tear-soaked pillows and unrelenting terrible nightmares. Jumps at mere touches, mere expressions of emotions. How in anyway is that making one stronger? And if it just gets worse, what is to become of me? An emotionless shell of a person where a soul, where a heart use to reside? I fear this very thing.

I've possessed this body for to long. Please, may I take residence in a new domicile? I feel this one won't hold for much longer.

And the more I talk, the worse it gets.

#60

"You must love yourself before you love someone else."

That's not true. One can love someone before loving one's self; it's very very possible and very probable. But there are the people who think that if one lets another treat them wrong then one doesn't love one's self. That's wrong. One just loves the other person more than they love their self. One would just rather have the fraction of emotion the person shows than no emotion at all. Being afraid to be alone isn't the same as not loving one's self either. Being afraid to be alone is being afraid of oneself. Being afraid of the thoughts that present when left alone.

And the more you try to fix it the more messed up it becomes because they're no longer interested because they no longer care because what you have to offer isn't satisfying the desires that have presented themselves. You're not what you once were, or maybe you are and they just see it clearer now. Blind? Maybe but in what sense of the word? On what side is the blindness occurring?

Where would this road lead us? The question is forever out there because I don't know. Had the situation been different would the outcome still have been the same? Was it a good thing or not? Were we already predestined? It is me but it's you. And it's this, but it's not. But it is and you know but I don't and we knew but we didn't and things change but they haven't. And things that were said took the place of things that should have been said. And there's no temptation like you thought, just sadness and disappointment. Regret? No. Mistakes? Yes. Apologies? Infinite and sincere. I haven't enough breaths in this lifetime to explain it to you, but I mean it. All of it.

The word of the day is REGRESSION.

#59

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT FROM ME?!!!!!

When I tried to be there, I wasn't good enough so I stopped and now I'm at fault for it? What did you want me to do? Stick around and be MISERABLE? Because that's what it was with you. Contradictions pour from your mouth like rain from the sky during April. I don't care? Fuck you. Your feeble mind couldn't begin to understand the level of caring- scratch that, the LOVE I have for you. But that's not enough. Nothing is ever ENOUGH for you.

WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER?

It's a complicated situation. No the fuck it isn't. Why don't you just let me go? I can't let go of something that I never had to begin with. All I do is break your heart and make you cry. I'm always mad, always arguing always brushing you off. If I do all of this WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE? I can't give you what you want, apparently I never could and you keep wanting me to be someone I'm not. I'm sorry, I can't, no I WON'T be that for you. And you cry yourself to sleep every night because of me? Yeah? And how exactly is that my fault? Where you thinking about crying yourself to sleep when you were fucking everyone I knew? Where you thinking about that when you were lying to me to my face? How about when I kept trying to change everything about me for you? And I'm suppose to give a shit that you're crying yourself to sleep? Man, fuck you.

I do care, but I don't want the pain anymore. I don't want the arguments, I don't want the tears. I don't want to see you unhappy and no matter what you say you know we aren't going to work. I'm sorry but I'm not doing it anymore.

I'm sorry about this.

#58

And the cycle continues on.
I don't understand why people do the things they do especially if they know it's only going to hurt someone else. I'm beginning to lose faith in all humanity.

I just want to disappear.

Empathy sucks.

#57

WHY?
If I were a professor of a philosophy class I would give that as a final term essay. "The question is, Why?" And many people wouldn't know how to approach that. It's so broad, so vast a topic it's hard to narrow it down. There is no right answer and if there is no right answer there is no wrong answer. And if there's no right or wrong answers there's nothing to judge. But there is. There's always something to judge because without judgment there'd be no opinion and without opinion there'd only be facts. And maybe people only want facts. But why? I don't understand; facts are boring mainly because I already know them partly because there's nothing to speculate about. I want to know how people feel about these facts because that's the thing that matters. "Why" matters. Why? Because without why there is nothing. Why? Because why questions everything there was, is and ever will be and without questions we're mindless people following what we think are facts. "Why" gives you the opportunity to see things in a new light and realize that just because something is said to be factual doesn't necessarily mean it is. Facts are up for interpretation which is where Why comes from.

The question is, Why? My answer is Why Not?

Destined from the start to never be apart. My heart aches without you near. I fear everything and nothing with you and see only you and want only you because there is only you. I fear me in this but like a filter, you remove the impurities that seem to consume me. You see past my exterior and see something in me that no one, myself included, ever has or will see. Love? No, a word like that doesn't begin to describe the magnitude of these feelings. Never will I say there's never been anything like us because I don't know, but never have I felt like this before.

Once we were something, but now we are nothing. And that is it, there's nothing but pure blackness where there was once light. How I want to hate you for everything but how I can't. You don't deserve the emotions you're trying to evoke, you don't deserve what it is you're trying to achieve. I don't know what your agenda is, but I'm not walking the path of confusion and mistrust any longer. Not for you or anyone. I love you but when you reiterate this, I have to urge to tell you not to use words you don't understand. I'm no longer your fool.

#56

Children wishing snow globes translated to real life. I'm a child with that dream. A dream of peaceful nights with snow and little towns were everyone knows one another and the only thing there is to worry about is who's going to shovel the snow out of the drive way in the morning.
There is no constant. Nothing remains the same and sadness engulfs everything around it turning it black and meaningless. How can a room filled with silence sound so loud? Slowly drowning me in everything it is. I wish for the days of happiness, of blissfulness. So far gone I hardly believe they existed.
Because I know the outcome of you.
Because I know what you will do.
Because I know how much it matters to you.
Because I know I can't do it.
Because the answer is never as clear as it may seem.
Because a guy named Murphy has laws that apply to the common man.
Because nothing will ever be the same again.
Because there's too much snow to for just one person to shovel.

I wish for the days where you and I could be fine. Time is forever closing in on us, on me. How long will I be here? Not long and it's not fair for me to bring you down with me. I fear what possesses me because of what it could do...to you. Because I'm not right and you are. You need something more than I can give...

I'm sorry.

#55

Like a machine receiving too much information at once, my brain is about to explode. I'm caught on so many thoughts that it's hard to narrow it down to just one. With the forever increasing amount of curiosities presenting themselves to me, it's hard not to be intrigued. However, I'm not going astray. This isn't what you think. You're wrong, but how easy it would be if you were right. How easy it would be to decided. Not simple, but easy because there is a difference. Just because something is easy doesn't make it simple and just because something is simple doesn't make it easy. Similar to fascinating and interesting.
This blog is about nothing. I'm rambling because I don't know what to write because I want to write everything down but it's impossible to try to include every thought I'm thinking and as I'm typing this I'm saying the words in my head and I'm speaking so fast and that's why there are no periods in this and if I was capable of typing the way I'm thinking all of this would be one word so it would looksomethinglikethisanditwouldbeincrediably
hardtofollowthisbecauseitisincrediblyhardtotypelikethis
IwanttohitthespacekeybutItherearenospacesinthemy
ramblebecauseitisacontinuousramblewithoutanypauses.
That's almost impossible to read which is how I think. It's nearly impossible to select just one thought because the thoughts I'm thinking aren't all good. Most of them are scaring me.

I find myself coming to a fork in the road, but it's a road with twelve different possible trails to follow and most of them will lead me the wrong way but staying at this position of utter confusions isn't going to suffice. Even a wrong path would be better than this.

I can't do this.

I'm losing what I depend on. My Mind.
And the only way I can get it to come back is to do something that won't benefit anyone. What am I to do? I'm acting as though the pressure isn't building up inside when it all actuality it's becoming impossible to ignore. As hard as I try to ease it, to make it subside, it refuses.
Homelessness is the least of my worries...

#54

And life gets more and more curious.
How can everything around me be going to hell and yet I feel nothing for it. All I can see is you because you are all there is. Mindless and endlessly engulfed in All that is you. Beyond you? How could there ever be such a thing. I Repeat the words to you often because loving you is an Inevitable thing for me. How can everyone else go About there day not knowing you? Not knowing the beauty which is you? There's no way you could be a red Herring in the mystery of life; you're too undistractingly intriguing. The exuberance and eternalness you represent is nothing short of amazing. The third day of the sixth month of the two-thousand and eighth year of this lifetime will forever live in infamy in the minds of two people. The start of their time together deserves to be remembered.
"And the color of cold has changed and the color of love will soon follow."
Forever in love with only you.

#53

I once heard a man say,

I am not a human playing, thinking, drinking or anything else.
I am a human, being.

But I am not a human, being. At least not only that. I am a human:
caring, crying, hurting, thinking, speaking, defending, pretending, loving, dancing, singing, eating, breathing, bleeding, falling, catching, missing, screwing, changing but mainly

DOING.

Maybe that's what "being" means.

#52

Being around related people who actually care about one another is so sad. Not because they care about each other, but because there are so many people who don't have blood relatives to care for them. I thought that maybe you didn't need to have blood to care about you, but when I sit back and think, there aren't many people who've known me my entire life. And those who do, aren't blood relatives.

I belong NO WHERE to no one.

And I've never felt so lonely in my life. It's like yeah, friends are family. I'm a strong believer in that, but well I don't know how to explain it. It's a sense of forever-ness. Because even with my non-bloods (my mother's best friend's family) I feel like an outsider. Like I can't seem to be included or something and it's weird because I've never felt the need to belong to anything but it's hard to not want something when it's beating against your insides.

People like this, like me, want families of their own though. They want people to love them forever and all that good nonsense, but I'm not like that. I've been on the outside for the longest, like since birth that I don't know HOW to be on the inside. I'm homeless.

November 4, 2008 BARACK OBAMA became the youngest (and the first black) president of the United States. :D