#44

I should be doing my Trig notes not posting blogs, but I have a lot I need to get out if I'm ever going to be able to finish them.

Things take turns in directions you never expect them to. As much as I tell myself to be cautions, I find myself not being able to do it. It's like I keep trying to put this guard up while trying to do something that is the exact opposite. It's honestly impossible to try to fix things with someone while trying to keep them at a distance. And worst of all I can't figure out how to approach this situation. Like I believe that she wants to fix this and naturally I want to make excuses to why she can act two entirely different ways, but honestly I can't. It's a phenomenon that I really don't understand and what's the point of even bringing it up because I already know the response I'm going to get yenno? And I'm fighting against two parts of myself and I can't figure out which one to listen to and I'm not even sure what either one is saying.

But I'm so tired of letting all decisions lie with someone who doesn't even talk to me. Like you can talk to my bestfriend but you can't talk to me? What sense does that make? It's like what happened to spark this sudden change in trust? I CAN'T FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT! Like honestly I don't care about anything else, the break up the bullshit split personality disorder or anything, I'm just entirely so tired of trying to pull someone in who keeps pushing me back. It's like I'll feel like I'm making progress or whatever, but you know what, maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm not doing anything right. Maybe...I don't even know. I don't know anything I really don't and I keep thinking that I do but I really don't. Why can't she just show that she cares?

I'm just... whatever. I'm not about to force someone to do something they don't want to do. If she wants to talk then she'll talk. I'm not stressing myself anymore.