#37

In the last 2 days I've done a lot of thinking, like decision making thinking.

The different aspects of me have yet to come to an agreement on what to do, but I think I'm understanding things a little better. Well not really, I'm not so sure as to what it is that's going on with me. I think I'm kind of just trying to figure out how to be okay, and I don't know sometimes I'm good, not great but not bad just kind of...okay. But then there are the moments when I see things and I think of her. And it's not the whole "thinking of her" thing that makes me not okay, it's the feeling that she isn't thinking of me.

I've learned that you don't fully understand something until you're going through a situation where it applies. For instance, the phrase 'actions speak louder than words' I always believed that. But I didn't like FEEL IT until like now. It's like things have been said that I don't feel. I believe them not because I want to and not because I have to and not because I don't want to hurt her feelings or any of that sort, I believe them because I know she wouldn't lie to me. But there's a difference between believing someone and feeling what they say. I can't come up with a good enough analogy to explain it, I think it's one of those things you learn from experience. It's not necessarily the way things are said, because a person could say something with an extreme amount of passion yet they feelings still may not transfer.

I don't think that's necessarily anyone's fault. It's not one of those things that can be simply blamed on someone. I'm starting to see that a lot of stuff is like that. Or maybe that it's not MY fault. I mean I naturally feel the need to take the blame for things, but when I think of all the things that I've blamed on myself, it really seems ridiculous. My justification for it was that there's a reason for everything. Stuff just isn't there you know? And I'm probably right, but my problem was that I was trying to find the reason for why things are. I guess now I'm just letting stuff be the way it is because that's the way it is. And if people want to add justifications then they can do that.

It was like I knew the facts but had speculations disguised as reason. It was like "well if she did this, then I must have been doing something wrong" or "if this happened then I must have done something in order for it to happen" and I was using karma to back me up, but maybe I was wrong. Not about karma, because I still think karma is inevitable, maybe I was wrong about me doing something wrong. Maybe karma was coming after them and I just happened to be in the cross fire and maybe someone did something because they wanted to do it. Maybe she talked to her know what was going to happen because she wanted to talk to her. Maybe she "engaged in activities" with him because she wanted to. Maybe I didn't have to do anything. Maybe I was actually an alright girlfriend and she just happened to want to do something. Granted, I would hope someone wouldn't want to do things that they know would negatively effect their relationship and hurt someone that they said they didn't want to hurt just because they wanted to. Hopefully there's a deeper reason for it, but maybe I don't necessarily need to know because maybe it had nothing to do with me.

It's like one of those things like, damn I would love to know why this person would do such a thing, but for once I'll wait until I know the reason before I automatically assume it's my fault. I don't know... and the whole "break" thing. I kept saying that I wasn't sure what the rules were for breaks and she didn't know either and I kept getting input from everyone, but what I just realized is that this is OUR relationship so we should have followed our own rules. Of course we didn't have any because this idea of a break didn't even seem fully developed. I'm not trying to figure out why any of this happened, from the break to the "incident" (when I give it a name like that, it makes it easier to think about) because there's really no reason to figure anything out. I mean all pride aside, if she decides that she wants this relationship then maybe that's the time that those things get figured out, but until I know what she wants to do I'm not going to try to find answers to questions that I shouldn't be asking myself, you know?

I guess we'll see how this turns out.