#29

I keep trying to numb myself to everyone and everything and it works for a little bit, but I swear it's starting to really tire me out.

Sometimes I find myself analyzing past conversations or reading old text messages and trying so hard not to feel anything. But honestly, I feel like I'm dying on the inside. Like my heart has been ripped out of it's location and my brain feels scrambled. I can't find words to express things anymore. I mean I can, but I keep trying to not make her feel bad. Like I keep it to myself so that she won't feel bad. Or maybe because I'm afraid of her response, better yet, her lack there of. But in theory if I know her so well, or as well as I think/thought, then this should have been no problem. I should be able to talk to her with no problem right? Wrong. Maybe I don't know her as well as I thought I did. Did I assume I knew her? I don't know.

She said that we jumped into this because we both knew she wasn't over her, so who's to blame? Is there a blame that needs to be put? I don't know. This situation is so colorful so, I don't even know. I mean, I keep finding myself saying that. The worse thing is that my stomach use to do back flips when I would talk to her, now it feels like I'm being punched. I feel bad because of this. I want to fix it, but I'm starting to see that this is really out of my control. It's like really all I can do is sit back and watch the situation unfold and hope for the best. Because talking isn't working. Or maybe the right words aren't being used. Sometimes I feel like I've let her in completely but she shuts me out still. Like she still has this wall built up. It's like why do I have to gain the trust of someone who should have never taken it away from me? I didn't do anything to my knowledge, so why the smoke and mirrors?

And like whenever I do or say something I feel like the only thing I hear is about someone else doing it. Funny thing is, she says that's how she use to feel. Hmm...I don't know. I really don't. It's like I feel like she's heard everything before, been there done that kind of thing you know? And what are you suppose to do for a person like that? I wish I could talk to her the way I use to but I feel like everything I say starts an argument of some sort. I don't know. Everything is a big question mark, it really is.

*sigh (I do that a lot now. I'm at such a lost for words).