#24

You know how something's broken and you know it's broken, but the only way to fix it is to find out what it is that is exactly broken? Well, that's where I am.

I know we're not how we usually are. I know that something isn't right and I want to fix it, oh God how I want to fix it. But I have no clue as to what it is that is broken. Like I always feel like I'm over analyzing a situation so I keep it to myself but I want to tell her. I want to tell her that I feel like something has changed between us, but then I know she's going to be like what do you mean and I can't explain it to her. And if I can't do that, then what's the point in bringing it up right? It's just going to make stuff weird and it's just not going to end pretty.

But then how do I fix it? How do I make things get back to how they use to be? How to I make this empty feeling go away because nothing seems to be working. This hollow feeling isn't vanishing and I keep trying to ignore it thinking maybe it'll stop, maybe I'll just wake up and it'll be better, but I don't even know anymore. Like I'm scared that because I can't get my point across and because I can't, I'm not going to explain this to her because what the fuck is there to explain? What am I suppose to say after she asks me to elaborate? "Oh sorry, can't do that yet because I myself don't know what the fuck is wrong. Sorry let's take a rain check." That's not going to do. But like I was saying, I'm afraid that because I can't tell her this, I'll just stop telling her stuff all together and I'm fighting like hell to make sure that doesn't happen because that's so easy for me, but with her, I'm not taking the easy way out. She deserves better.

Oh God but last night...I nearly shit myself. I couldn't believe how calm I was though. Like even in my head I was calm. It's so weird because usually I would have lost it as soon as I would have suspected something. I don't even know what to say about it though. Like I'm not mad, sad, hurt, frustrated...anything. I have no emotion towards the situation at all and I have no idea why. I'm afraid though, I'm so afraid...

I miss her. I miss her so much it hurts and I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't.