#33

I'm not to fond of existing right now. That pretty much sums up everything.

Our conversation yesterday was good though. It was so good, but I don't know. When I saw her, eshh, strain on my heart much? It was such a longing feeling. Like you know when you see a McDonald's commercial and you really want that food, but you have no kind of money to buy it? It was like that. I don't know.

It's...I don't know. *sigh.

#32

I feel like I'm not even in the running anymore. Like I've lost already.

What sucks the most about the whole situation is that it's not even like I know the territory. I don't do this kind of thing... EVER. But like I don't want to lose her. But I feel like I have to prove myself to her. Why? I didn't do anything that would make it that way. That's what's getting me the most. I didn't do anything wrong. AT ALL, well at least not to my knowledge. But like ughh, I don't know.

It was different when it was another chick. And no it's not because it's a guy that's not the point at all. Like if I made it out to be like "oh yeah, well because it's a guy I stand no chance WHATSOEVER" I'd be full of shit and I know that for a fact. The fact of the matter is that they are totally completely different situations. Like really they are. She didn't want to be with ol' girl (or at least that was the impression I was given. But hey, what do I know right?) she wanted to be with me, and wanted me to have all of her. But not now. She wants to be with him. It's like what am I suppose to do about that? I'm honestly helpless in this situation.

Like okay yeah granted she wants to be with me too, but it's not like I have a greater pull on her, or like a leg up on the competition ( I don't know where these weird idioms are coming from, but bare with me please) because of that. But I don't know. I had to have done something. There had to be something missing because if everything was fine, if I was satisfying her (and I don't mean sexually for all the pervs) the way I thought I was, then she wouldn't be looking for something else. Like there's something that I can't provide.

What sucks the most is that I let her in so much. Like more than she knows, more than she'll ever know, and I feel like when it comes down to it, it just might not matter. It really might not. And like I'm not mad, at least not at her. I don't even know if I'm mad or what. I don't know anything. I just hate crying over shit like this. Crying isn't going to fix anything, not at all. So whatever I don't know. I'm so frustrated with...the world.

I wish I could just crawl under a boulder until this was all cleared up. It'd be so much easier and, believe it or not, a lot less painful. *sigh.

#31

I was under the impression that if I didn't acknowledge certain feelings that I wouldn't be disappointed or distraught if the situation didn't turn out in my favor, but whatever at that because I still feel it, be it acknowledged or not.

I really don't want her to leave me. Simple as that, yet as complicated as that.

#30

Break?

I wish I could forget everything she said, everything she promised. Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so bad. Real talk, I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I hate this.

#29

I keep trying to numb myself to everyone and everything and it works for a little bit, but I swear it's starting to really tire me out.

Sometimes I find myself analyzing past conversations or reading old text messages and trying so hard not to feel anything. But honestly, I feel like I'm dying on the inside. Like my heart has been ripped out of it's location and my brain feels scrambled. I can't find words to express things anymore. I mean I can, but I keep trying to not make her feel bad. Like I keep it to myself so that she won't feel bad. Or maybe because I'm afraid of her response, better yet, her lack there of. But in theory if I know her so well, or as well as I think/thought, then this should have been no problem. I should be able to talk to her with no problem right? Wrong. Maybe I don't know her as well as I thought I did. Did I assume I knew her? I don't know.

She said that we jumped into this because we both knew she wasn't over her, so who's to blame? Is there a blame that needs to be put? I don't know. This situation is so colorful so, I don't even know. I mean, I keep finding myself saying that. The worse thing is that my stomach use to do back flips when I would talk to her, now it feels like I'm being punched. I feel bad because of this. I want to fix it, but I'm starting to see that this is really out of my control. It's like really all I can do is sit back and watch the situation unfold and hope for the best. Because talking isn't working. Or maybe the right words aren't being used. Sometimes I feel like I've let her in completely but she shuts me out still. Like she still has this wall built up. It's like why do I have to gain the trust of someone who should have never taken it away from me? I didn't do anything to my knowledge, so why the smoke and mirrors?

And like whenever I do or say something I feel like the only thing I hear is about someone else doing it. Funny thing is, she says that's how she use to feel. Hmm...I don't know. I really don't. It's like I feel like she's heard everything before, been there done that kind of thing you know? And what are you suppose to do for a person like that? I wish I could talk to her the way I use to but I feel like everything I say starts an argument of some sort. I don't know. Everything is a big question mark, it really is.

*sigh (I do that a lot now. I'm at such a lost for words).

#28

This blog is long overdue.

Like I have stuff to put down, but so much time has elapsed. Well not really, it's just I don't know, I'm adjusting. It's hard to talk about something when you're trying your hardest to believe that it was just a dream. Sadly though, it wasn't just a dream. It really did happen.

Let's see: the last, I don't know, week or so (give or take a couple days) I've cried. Wow, that's really hard to let stay on the computer screen. I erased it like 4 times debating over whether or not I'd leave it. But who reads this thing anymore? Exactly. But like yeah, it's like I hate feeling like situations are out of my control. But that's what it is. There's nothing I can do to fix it and like I have so many emotions building up inside, they're so all over the place and it translates to numbness. Unfortunately that's not how I really feel. I like to tell myself that it's whatever, that I don't care but in all actuality I do care. It's like...eshh blehh gay. I don't have words to express this because there are too many words to express it.

But what am I suppose to do? There's honestly nothing I can do and I already know that. So am I to sit back and just let "shit happen"? I'm not quoting that to be derogatory, it's just that's all I've been hearing lately. Shit happens. So please, someone please tell me what the fuck you're suppose to do after shit happens? That's such a fucking cop out. It's basically like saying, well whatever. Ughh stupid phrase. My brain hurts so badly from thinking and not even thinking just...feeling I guess. It's like I feel all these damn emotions at once and it's so painful. It's like my brain and my heart are screaming, but I can't figure out what they're saying. I can't figure anything out anymore and that's not me. I'm so...

I wish I knew what I SHOULD feel. Like I don't even know that. I haven't been so speechless, answer deprived, unoptimistic in I don't know how long. And it's not even that I don't have hope for the situation. I do, but I always have hope for the situation. But what does hope do? What had hope done? It hasn't fixed anything. If anything, it's made everything worse. If you hope for nothing, there's nothing for you to be disappointed in. It's like this fear, vulnerability, whatever the fuck you want to call it, isn't working for me. I don't know how to just let things happen. That's not my style.

Sometimes I feel like this isn't even happening to me. Like I'm just watching it happen, and God how I wish it was true. Like this is too...amazing (not in a good way) to actually be happening. But why am I so amazed? It's like I've dealt with this situation before, granted they have significant differences, but the general idea is the same. It's like I feel myself going inside myself (that sounds really odd but whatever) and I just...I don't know. I'm fighting like hell to keep my sanity without getting my heart broken...


*sigh.

#27

There's no such thing as a quick fix. So I'm learning how to take my time because GREAT things come to those who wait.

We'll be okay, I'm quite sure of it. :D

#26

Day by day it gets a little better, but I still feel confused.

Like I have things I want to say, but I'm not sure how to say them. Actually I don't even really know what I want to say. And I've learned from experienced that I need to make sense if I'm about to express myself and I can't do that. I really can't. Like things I'm thinking aren't being fully developed, my thoughts are pretty much all over the place and I keep trying to pin point certain ones so that I can understand them, but my word they're moving so damn fast. And on those rare occasions when I actually can think about something for a second, my thoughts start to scare me. It's like ughh, this stuff is just so...wow.

It just want to go back to how we were.

#25

I'm laughing. I wish it was a laugh of happiness.
I'm always a step behind no matter what. Whatever, that's life. Shit happens.

I wish I could fix this.

#24

You know how something's broken and you know it's broken, but the only way to fix it is to find out what it is that is exactly broken? Well, that's where I am.

I know we're not how we usually are. I know that something isn't right and I want to fix it, oh God how I want to fix it. But I have no clue as to what it is that is broken. Like I always feel like I'm over analyzing a situation so I keep it to myself but I want to tell her. I want to tell her that I feel like something has changed between us, but then I know she's going to be like what do you mean and I can't explain it to her. And if I can't do that, then what's the point in bringing it up right? It's just going to make stuff weird and it's just not going to end pretty.

But then how do I fix it? How do I make things get back to how they use to be? How to I make this empty feeling go away because nothing seems to be working. This hollow feeling isn't vanishing and I keep trying to ignore it thinking maybe it'll stop, maybe I'll just wake up and it'll be better, but I don't even know anymore. Like I'm scared that because I can't get my point across and because I can't, I'm not going to explain this to her because what the fuck is there to explain? What am I suppose to say after she asks me to elaborate? "Oh sorry, can't do that yet because I myself don't know what the fuck is wrong. Sorry let's take a rain check." That's not going to do. But like I was saying, I'm afraid that because I can't tell her this, I'll just stop telling her stuff all together and I'm fighting like hell to make sure that doesn't happen because that's so easy for me, but with her, I'm not taking the easy way out. She deserves better.

Oh God but last night...I nearly shit myself. I couldn't believe how calm I was though. Like even in my head I was calm. It's so weird because usually I would have lost it as soon as I would have suspected something. I don't even know what to say about it though. Like I'm not mad, sad, hurt, frustrated...anything. I have no emotion towards the situation at all and I have no idea why. I'm afraid though, I'm so afraid...

I miss her. I miss her so much it hurts and I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't.

#23

For such an avid blogger, I really have been slacking lately, but I've been busy and not really sure how to get my thoughts down.

I'm not even sure if I'll use this as much anymore now. Like I may just write the shit down instead because it's entirely too much of a hassle to get on the computer. I don't know, I most likely will wind up doing both because I really do like this little blog believe it or not. Like it does help...sorta. I don't know though because it still isn't completely private. Whatever I guess.

I miss her. It's like I make it so dayumm awkward when I miss her. Need to change that like A.S.A.P. type shit because I fucking hate it. Gosh why am I cursing so much? Why is this blog so random? I don't know. I'm not in a blogging mood. I'm not in an anything mood. Eshh, this is gay. I need to see her now. Depression cuts deep, I need to go do something productive like murder someone. Hehehe just kidding, but seriously I need to do something to take my mind off of this whole missing mode thing. Yeahh, good luck finding something Kenne.

I wonder if this is normal...