#72: Washing Filthy Dishware

"...we'll make the biggest mistake of our lives..."

Many thoughts run through my mind. There's a flood of information, a lot of it numbing my reality and though I was truly proud of myself for achieving my goal of avoiding my sweet negative ailments, I don't believe I'll be able to keep this up.
I'm learning that I don't understand a lot of things. Contrasting actions fascinate me. Why are we drawn to things that hurt? How can we physically be dying because of an emotion? How can we want to say so much yet no words escape our mouths? I've heard that things get easier with time; but I don't think so. I've heard that if you talk about it, you'll feel better; but I don't. I heard that if you do what's right you'll be rewarded; but I haven't been. Sometimes we are used to aid in the tests of those around us. Am I being used right now? The human body and mind are unbelievably fascinating.

And the world continues to spin even though mine is coming to a halt.

#71: Pointless Phone Calls

Everything that could be thought as already been thought. What I mean by that is there are really no original ideas anymore. However there are different ways people handle the same information. I feel this is what connects us all.

Happiness is a fleeting emotion for many; I am one of the many.

#70: A Letter To My White Girl

My Love,
It's not that I like you, because I don't, it's that you know me. You know how to take me where no one else can. Effortlessly engulfed by you, with the harsh knowledge that you will destroy me. I've been down this road with you before my love; my love. Yes that's what you are to me. You are the love of my life. But you're not. I hate you. Gosh how I hate how much I need you. The attraction and magnetic pull you have on me is something far stronger than anyone could guess. Many times, I've tried to fill your place with others after deciding I was done with you, but here we are again my love, my heart, my downfall. And as I enjoy your company, I cry. I know what is to come because you have not changed, not that you promised you would. Which, believe it or not dear woman, I find quite honorable. Few people in this world try not to deceive and you are one. I model myself after that, but not after your destructive nature. How on Earth could you destroy me when we're in love? Because we're not. I don't love you at all my love, my heart, my downfall, but like I previously stated, I do in fact need you.
Now the warm days have turned to cold lonely nights, and I see you becoming the most important thing in my life all over again. Sadly, I'm willing to let you. Freedom from life, from self, is a guarantee with you, but as I found out from our last long engagement, you do not offer freedom from you. Trying to become my sole purpose for living, you cut off my ties to humanity making me attached and dependent only on you. The things I've done just to have you close to me would horrify me if I dwelled on them too long, but without you, the pain returns and you are my medication so I endured for you. My love, my heart, my downfall, I wish not to be possessed by you again, but how I wish I could visit you every once in a while without being drawn in. Our brief visit today (though not spent alone) made me reminisce on love we shared, but also made me remember the truth. There was no WE there was ME and MY love for YOU. While you eliminate my pain you eliminate my freedom. How can you free me yet still keep me in your grasp? An amazing woman you are my love, my heart, my downfall. Though pale as the snow, you are darker than coal, than space, than the hole left in my heart by those who said they'd never leave.
MY LOVE; you will never have the love I once had for you again. MY HEART; my heart no longer beats for you and you alone. MY DOWNFALL; that you are. How complicated you make my mind work. Physically emotionally spiritually, I miss you, but physically emotionally spiritually, I wish I'd never met you.

In Hopeful Conclusion,
The Addict.

#69: Before I Die

It find it quite interesting how your soul & heart can die yet your body can carry on. Blood shot eyes and the burning sensation from forcing down the "numbing medicine" have somehow become something similar to normal. Hmm, isn't the human body amazing?

Inhale, exhale. Relax, you're in your own world now love.
no one can reach you...

"...They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding..."

#68: Rebuttals At Day-break

I have neglected my thoughts long enough:

I find people use words incorrectly.
"Anything is possible." No, anything is NOT possible. A man can never bare a child. Old women can not become young and NO ONE can live forever.
"Pride is a sin." No, no it is not (and I sincerely apologize to all of those people, religious or not, who believe differently). If one does something that one is proud of, then one should be upfront with it. I understand why sometimes pride is considered "bad," but being proud of ones' self isn't directly connected to vanity. While it may be annoying, it is still not a sin.
"I will never forget you." Yes, yes you will. You'll get Alzheimer's and I'll become another lost memory. A book will find its way to your face or your skull and you'll get amnesia. One of us will move and another person will move in, and years from now someone will mention my name and you'll say "Damn, I forgot all about her."

You're always on time, until the day you're late. You're never happy until the day you are. You're forever lying until the day you tell the truth. He'll always love you until the day he doesn't. You'll never leave until the day you do.

"Words like 'always,' 'never,' and 'forever' weaken your argument."
-Ms. Burke