#43

I'm quite sure that no one really reads this anymore so I guess there's no reason to actually leave out names and what not.

Moving on, Mariah broke up with me. I don't know why I'm saying this though. I'm not sure if it's to make it more real to me or just to state the facts, but that's what happened. I find myself wanting to read the text messages over and over again, like that's some how going to fix it, but like I've said before, you can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be there. I've know this for a while, yet I kept holding on. I mean it's common sense, if someone keeps doing things to hurt you it's obvious that they want to leave, but I'm naive. I believed what she said regardless if it directly conflicted with the things she did. I honestly believed everything she said, and I don't know if I'm stupid for that. I don't know what it is I am for that...

I trusted her though. Even when I was saying I didn't trust her, I trusted her. It was like this, I knew she was capable of betraying my trust because she did yenno? But I still had the faith in her- or maybe I was just naive enough- to believe that she wouldn't do it twice. Not after seeing how deep that cut. Not at all, but honestly I guess I didn't really know anything. And I tried to fix things, I even asked if she wanted to fix things... and as I'm writing this I find myself erasing things just in case she may read them. I don't want to hurt her, which is unbelievably nonsensical. But honestly, I can't make myself think differently. When I asked her if she wanted this relationship she got offended, but who's fault is that really? Would I have to ask "obvious" questions if the answer was obvious? I mean I'm a pretty smart girl for the most part, so I think I may have known if the answer was as obvious as it seemed to be to her.

It got to the point where she was no longer interested in me. Granted, I believe that she loved me, there was no question about that, but despite popular belief, love isn't always enough. If you're not interested in someone, you can't be with them and that's what it is. She lost interest in me, she lost the desire to "stalk me" (it's a reference to a previous blog), and you can't make someone want you. Yes, I want to fix this, but there's nothing to fix anymore yenno? There's honestly nothing I can do because she's washed her hands of the situation. And it's hard to know that something isn't your fault, that it was honestly out of your control, but feel like you caused this. Like I find myself thinking, "well maybe if I... then she wouldn't have had to..." It's just like... I honestly don't know.

It's really hard to trust anyone anymore...