#28

This blog is long overdue.

Like I have stuff to put down, but so much time has elapsed. Well not really, it's just I don't know, I'm adjusting. It's hard to talk about something when you're trying your hardest to believe that it was just a dream. Sadly though, it wasn't just a dream. It really did happen.

Let's see: the last, I don't know, week or so (give or take a couple days) I've cried. Wow, that's really hard to let stay on the computer screen. I erased it like 4 times debating over whether or not I'd leave it. But who reads this thing anymore? Exactly. But like yeah, it's like I hate feeling like situations are out of my control. But that's what it is. There's nothing I can do to fix it and like I have so many emotions building up inside, they're so all over the place and it translates to numbness. Unfortunately that's not how I really feel. I like to tell myself that it's whatever, that I don't care but in all actuality I do care. It's like...eshh blehh gay. I don't have words to express this because there are too many words to express it.

But what am I suppose to do? There's honestly nothing I can do and I already know that. So am I to sit back and just let "shit happen"? I'm not quoting that to be derogatory, it's just that's all I've been hearing lately. Shit happens. So please, someone please tell me what the fuck you're suppose to do after shit happens? That's such a fucking cop out. It's basically like saying, well whatever. Ughh stupid phrase. My brain hurts so badly from thinking and not even thinking just...feeling I guess. It's like I feel all these damn emotions at once and it's so painful. It's like my brain and my heart are screaming, but I can't figure out what they're saying. I can't figure anything out anymore and that's not me. I'm so...

I wish I knew what I SHOULD feel. Like I don't even know that. I haven't been so speechless, answer deprived, unoptimistic in I don't know how long. And it's not even that I don't have hope for the situation. I do, but I always have hope for the situation. But what does hope do? What had hope done? It hasn't fixed anything. If anything, it's made everything worse. If you hope for nothing, there's nothing for you to be disappointed in. It's like this fear, vulnerability, whatever the fuck you want to call it, isn't working for me. I don't know how to just let things happen. That's not my style.

Sometimes I feel like this isn't even happening to me. Like I'm just watching it happen, and God how I wish it was true. Like this is too...amazing (not in a good way) to actually be happening. But why am I so amazed? It's like I've dealt with this situation before, granted they have significant differences, but the general idea is the same. It's like I feel myself going inside myself (that sounds really odd but whatever) and I just...I don't know. I'm fighting like hell to keep my sanity without getting my heart broken...


*sigh.