#22

DAMNNNNNNNN at me. Can't believe I actually had the balls to say it.

Like it's not like I didn't want to. I've been wanted to tell her that I loved her. But like at first I wasn't really sure if I loved her like how I use to. That was on that friendship love and a little more but now, I don't even know what this is. It's like...right. Right is the only word I can use to describe it and last night when she said it to me I was like WOW, in shock kind of stuff you know because that's not something you just say to anyone.

And like I've wanted to tell her for a bit of a minute, like once I realized that I was IN LOVE with her, but I didn't want her to think it was too soon or that I was rushing into stuff and it be weird between us. Like I'm not rushing anything at all, it's just I can't deny feelings that are THAT strong you know? It's pretty much on that impossible side and it's been torture trying to hold it in, but I was willing to suffer because the last thing I wanted was for anything to change between us. Like I can't remember the last time I was this happy and this comfortable with someone. Like I can tell her anything without worrying about it because I know she cares and I know it's not that fake bullshit caring. It's genuine.

Everything about her, about us, is right. And I hate that she thinks she has to worry about someone taking me. Like she said, shit happens and I'm not trying to promise anything, but who in their right mind (not saying that I'm always in my right mind but for this I know I am) would leave something so great/excellent/extravagant/spectacular/amazing to go back to something that's less than that? It doesn't make sense, not to my brain and especially not to my heart. It's not right for someone to pick up the broken pieces of my heart just so I could go back to someone who would break them again. Like I'm not stupid and for once, my heart and my head are on the same page. Like stuff makes sense.

And it would be so easy for me to sit here and be like "oh yeah, this is easy" because I've done it before, but it's not easy. It's not easy to let myself be that vulnerable again. It's like for some strange reason I have so much faith in her. So much faith that she wouldn't fuck me over, that she would use "I love you" against me. Because like when she said it, it wasn't like she was just saying 3 words to me, I've never felt so many emotions expressed in just 3 words. It's like she was saying so much more than that to me. And like I hope that she got what I was trying to express. Because it wasn't just "I love you too" it wasn't that at all. It was covered in dripping in so much more meaning than that and I think she felt what I was trying to say. Like it was...I don't know how to describe it. But it's right and I don't want any of this to go away because when I'm with her nothing/no one else in the world matters.

Right about now I don't care about being vulnerable because I love her and she loves me and that's really all that matters now. That's really all I need.