#6

I feel like it's the same problem. Same shit different day, ya know? It's like why do I get myself into situations that won't benefit me?

I'm not mad, not at all. Like I really just don't know what I am. Like should I be mad? She didn't do anything wrong. I knew what I was getting myself into when i "signed up" for it ya know? But like I was under the impression that she was in the process of moving on and I guess I really shouldn't have assumed that. That was my bad.

But what am I suppose to think? All she does is complain about her, and I know I complain about people all the time, trust me I know, but this was different. This was the way you complain about someone who you can't stand. And okay, I get that she frustrates her and I get that she's still emotionally attached to her, but the point that was presented to me, or at least what I interpreted, was that she wasn't attached to her, but rather she was addicted to her. And being addicted to something isn't loving it, it's needing it in order to sustain life.

So what does it all mean? Okay, I'm not stupid, I've always known she still had feelings for her and I understand that, but I don't want to be understanding right now. I want to act like I'm 5 years old and bitch and moan about how I'm not getting what I want and how it isn't fair. Because it's not fair. And like I'm not saying that it's not fair because I "deserve" her or whatever, because that's just stupid. I'm saying that I don't take people for granted ya know? Like she's not ready for her yet. Her radio isn't tuned to the same station, so to speak. And ours are. Same station, same song, perfect timing.

I'm not about to sit here and be like, "Oh, why me? Poor poor me," because that's not to sort of person I am, but I feel like shit. I hate getting in those situations and I tend to put myself in them all the time. For once, I just want someone to like me, and be perfectly content with it. Someone who doesn't come with... I guess "baggage" is the word that would best fit.

I really like her though. Gosh this sucks.

#5

Today was a day of little to no achievements.

I found out that I like a girl who frustrates me and sends me mixed emotions. I don't even know what to do about her. But whatever, I'll get back to that. Let's see, I'm such a fucking push over. Like I can't help but do stuff for people when I like them. And I like her so much.

School is bullshit. Life is bullshit. There are no relationships; just relationSHITS.
Overall, today sucked. End of discussion.

#4

This has got to be the most RIDICULOUS thing in the world. God she's such a fucking idiot.

Okay so after fucking 3 months of going out and knowing you for 2 years you should fucking know enough not to ask stupid questions. "I'm guessing he doesn't call often" YA THINK?! Why in God's name would you ask me such a stupid fucking question like that? Are you on fucking crack?! WOULD I POST A BULLETIN IF IT WAS AN EVERYDAY THING?! Gosh she's honestly such an idiot I swear.

I can't even being to fathom the internal issues she must be suffering from. Like you know how certain people don't think before they act? Well I know I don't but thank the Lord for giving me an ounce of fucking COMMON SENSE! I guess it's really not so common.

#3

I haven't freaked out this hard in a while. Like usually when something unexpected happens, I can handle it because there are just certain things I expect from people. I would have never IN A MILLION YEARS expected this. My biological father just called me.

Every time I say those words "biological father" in my head or out loud, I always feel like I'm about to cry. Like I didn't even know what the fuck to call him! What is wrong with me?! I was dead ass silent for pretty much most of the conversation, which he didn't notice because he's a talker. He's always been a talker for as long as a remember, but it was okay. I was actual in utter and complete shock. It made me feel like I was 4 again, but not in the good way. In that way that I want to believe in everything he's saying because that's...that's my dad no matter what happens. But he's such a liar.

He told me he's becoming a truck driver, so he'll come and see me or whatever. And I want that to happen more than anything, but I know he's lying. You know how you know someone's lying to you and you know they're lying but no matter what they say, you believe them? That's how it is with my dad. And I fucking hate that more than anything because I just want him to tell me the truth. Don't tell me what I wanna hear, and don't lie to me, just come out and say the God honest truth. I really just want that connection but I really don't want it to be another let down.

And what am I suppose to do with my stepdad? I don't want to hurt him, not at all, but I really want that thing with my dad. I've always been a daddy's girl and I just want that again. But it's not right that he can just leave and waltz back into my life like it's absolutely nothing. I'm just ughhhh! I don't know, I honestly don't know. And this doesn't happen to me. I know what to do in pretty much EVERY situation; but not this one, definitely not this one.

I just don't want another disappointment. I really don't think I could take that.

#2

So I came up with a definition of the emotion "love." I haven't worked out all the ideas and details but I'll try my best to explain.

Love basically is obsession. You don't fall out of love, you become obsessed with other people. It's like this basically. People confuse love with like and they're totally different things. When you like someone, you know how they are, what makes them laugh, what doesn't. You know, stuff like that. But when you love someone you know which hand they write with, how they breathe in their sleep, how they walk, how they drink and all the other weird things like that.

Being in love is basically being a known-stalker. And what I've noticed is that as long as the person you're stalking is stalking you back, it's not seen as a problem. Once that person is no longer obsessed with you, it's no longer okay for you to be obsessed with them.

The problem is, that's easier said then done. Just like a stalker, you're so intrigued by this person, that it's difficult- nearly impossible- to just stop obsessing over them. You still remember all the discoveries you made back when it was okay to discover these things, and now all of a sudden it's seen as wrong to know these things. It's like there's an unwritten rule that states you are no longer allowed to share these observations with the public because the object of your obsession is no longer obsessed with you.

In short, you're told to stifle you feelings, which makes me think, "if you're not allowed to share your observations and discoveries anymore, then there was always something wrong with them." Yes, under certain circumstances the things we perceive as wrong change, but who's to decide when that is? Under what circumstances is it okay to "love" someone and when is it not? If you feel something at one point, and your feelings don't change as quickly as those around you, that shouldn't mean that it should be seen as wrong.

That's basically the definition I've come up. It may be flawed, but so far, it seems to make a lot of sense to me.

#1

I'm not quite sure about anything anymore.

Gosh all this crap is entirely too complicated. Why did I answer that text? I could have eliminated this stress and these issues if I would have just ignored it. Like I'm back in the same situation, AGAIN.

She makes absolutely no sense to me. And it's not like I'm like, "Yeah I MUST figure her out." No, that's not the case. But things that I figured were common sense apparently aren't. I don't care if she likes other people. Hell she can like 8 MILLION people if she sees fit, but how does she expect me to take her seriously? What I remember is her saying that she wants a relationship with me. But how are we suppose to be working towards a relationship when she doesn't even know what she wants? She's so complicated.

And I've been keeping this to myself for the longest. She's suppose to be the one to make me feel better, ya know? The one who's suppose to be the right one for the change, yet she's just making me feel worse; just like how she use to do. And like she told me that she wasn't like that anymore, that she had changed and I so wanted to believe her. I had this guard up, but she found her way around it and I was stupid enough to let her. I thought I wasn't letting her in my heart, that my wall was strong enough to keep her out, but either she's great at manipulating me or I'm really retarded. I don't even know.

I just want everything to go back to how it was, but I can't even remember exactly what it is that I want it to get back to. She's not a bad person, or is she? I don't know, I make so many excuses for the way people treat me. I'm so retarded. But is this all my fault? If I know how she is, why do i tolerate it? Ughhhhh! This is all retarded.

I love her, but what sucks is that I'm not sure the feeling's being returned.