#63

How ever did you come to this?

And as the days progress I feel myself losing track of what I once saw a priority. I've yet to deem this negative or positive, I just see it as a change. To slip back into myself and remain their, only letting in those who belong. To disappear, only being seen by those with true eyes. Eyes that see what everyone else thinks isn't there. Oh, the irony of you. Sweet sweet irony.

"Accept the things you cannot change."
Someone asked me what I wanted for Christmas, but they got no response. I have her, was what I thought to myself. And as trivial and childhood crush-like as it may sound, I long for nothing more. While my eyes may wander, my heart and mind remain stationary. There's nothing better than this and to ask for anything more would be nothing short of selfish. So dear sir, I have everything I want and I need nor want for anything more, but thanks for asking.

#62

"...It'll be harder tomorrow."

And the word of the day is HUMILITY.
Forgive me as I digress...
I care little about anything having to do with you. Call it what you will because I care not. Compassion for strangers? Yes. Compassion for you? Saying I'm laughing would be more than an understatement. Empathy and sympathy are emotions that will never be associated with what I feel for you. I feel nothing, not even pity for you, which is strange to me but honestly, I care not. It's quite sad how you're situation makes me laugh. Really it is.

I now regress.
Humility comes from Humanity. Is this why I feel that it's diminishing too? Not that I try to make sense out of what it is that goes on around me, but when I take the time to observe the things that do, I see a depletion in what we call humility. What is the meaning of the word? It is foreign to our lips; we lost the taste so long ago, it seems as though it was never there. Quid pro quo this for that. As faith in humanity decreases faith in humility follows. I'm baffled by the hypocrisy, lies, selfishness and cruelty that occur with no consequence. Honestly, there is no consequence. It is my personal hell, but I fear not. Not for lack of knowledge or embracement of neglect but because of acceptance. Accept the things you cannot change. It's about today; I'm quite sure tomorrow could result in sheer and utter horror.

"Don't run, don't scream; you'll only makes it worse."

#61

How very very complicated you are. Like a mystery. A rubik cube with 12 sides. A crossword puzzle with 2 clues. A map with no legend. But the unexplainable connection and emotion I feel for you is insane.


"To have everything and nothing." Please release me from this hell in which you've placed me. What test are you giving me because I fear that I may not pass it. The knowledge I possess doesn't begin to suffice for the amount that I need for this. "This pain will be useful to you one day." I doubt this strongly. In what way will this be beneficial? I see no end or no purpose to this. "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." No, what doesn't kill you leaves a horrible scar with worse memories. Tear-soaked pillows and unrelenting terrible nightmares. Jumps at mere touches, mere expressions of emotions. How in anyway is that making one stronger? And if it just gets worse, what is to become of me? An emotionless shell of a person where a soul, where a heart use to reside? I fear this very thing.

I've possessed this body for to long. Please, may I take residence in a new domicile? I feel this one won't hold for much longer.

And the more I talk, the worse it gets.

#60

"You must love yourself before you love someone else."

That's not true. One can love someone before loving one's self; it's very very possible and very probable. But there are the people who think that if one lets another treat them wrong then one doesn't love one's self. That's wrong. One just loves the other person more than they love their self. One would just rather have the fraction of emotion the person shows than no emotion at all. Being afraid to be alone isn't the same as not loving one's self either. Being afraid to be alone is being afraid of oneself. Being afraid of the thoughts that present when left alone.

And the more you try to fix it the more messed up it becomes because they're no longer interested because they no longer care because what you have to offer isn't satisfying the desires that have presented themselves. You're not what you once were, or maybe you are and they just see it clearer now. Blind? Maybe but in what sense of the word? On what side is the blindness occurring?

Where would this road lead us? The question is forever out there because I don't know. Had the situation been different would the outcome still have been the same? Was it a good thing or not? Were we already predestined? It is me but it's you. And it's this, but it's not. But it is and you know but I don't and we knew but we didn't and things change but they haven't. And things that were said took the place of things that should have been said. And there's no temptation like you thought, just sadness and disappointment. Regret? No. Mistakes? Yes. Apologies? Infinite and sincere. I haven't enough breaths in this lifetime to explain it to you, but I mean it. All of it.

The word of the day is REGRESSION.