#61

How very very complicated you are. Like a mystery. A rubik cube with 12 sides. A crossword puzzle with 2 clues. A map with no legend. But the unexplainable connection and emotion I feel for you is insane.


"To have everything and nothing." Please release me from this hell in which you've placed me. What test are you giving me because I fear that I may not pass it. The knowledge I possess doesn't begin to suffice for the amount that I need for this. "This pain will be useful to you one day." I doubt this strongly. In what way will this be beneficial? I see no end or no purpose to this. "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." No, what doesn't kill you leaves a horrible scar with worse memories. Tear-soaked pillows and unrelenting terrible nightmares. Jumps at mere touches, mere expressions of emotions. How in anyway is that making one stronger? And if it just gets worse, what is to become of me? An emotionless shell of a person where a soul, where a heart use to reside? I fear this very thing.

I've possessed this body for to long. Please, may I take residence in a new domicile? I feel this one won't hold for much longer.

And the more I talk, the worse it gets.

#60

"You must love yourself before you love someone else."

That's not true. One can love someone before loving one's self; it's very very possible and very probable. But there are the people who think that if one lets another treat them wrong then one doesn't love one's self. That's wrong. One just loves the other person more than they love their self. One would just rather have the fraction of emotion the person shows than no emotion at all. Being afraid to be alone isn't the same as not loving one's self either. Being afraid to be alone is being afraid of oneself. Being afraid of the thoughts that present when left alone.

And the more you try to fix it the more messed up it becomes because they're no longer interested because they no longer care because what you have to offer isn't satisfying the desires that have presented themselves. You're not what you once were, or maybe you are and they just see it clearer now. Blind? Maybe but in what sense of the word? On what side is the blindness occurring?

Where would this road lead us? The question is forever out there because I don't know. Had the situation been different would the outcome still have been the same? Was it a good thing or not? Were we already predestined? It is me but it's you. And it's this, but it's not. But it is and you know but I don't and we knew but we didn't and things change but they haven't. And things that were said took the place of things that should have been said. And there's no temptation like you thought, just sadness and disappointment. Regret? No. Mistakes? Yes. Apologies? Infinite and sincere. I haven't enough breaths in this lifetime to explain it to you, but I mean it. All of it.

The word of the day is REGRESSION.

#59

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT FROM ME?!!!!!

When I tried to be there, I wasn't good enough so I stopped and now I'm at fault for it? What did you want me to do? Stick around and be MISERABLE? Because that's what it was with you. Contradictions pour from your mouth like rain from the sky during April. I don't care? Fuck you. Your feeble mind couldn't begin to understand the level of caring- scratch that, the LOVE I have for you. But that's not enough. Nothing is ever ENOUGH for you.

WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER?

It's a complicated situation. No the fuck it isn't. Why don't you just let me go? I can't let go of something that I never had to begin with. All I do is break your heart and make you cry. I'm always mad, always arguing always brushing you off. If I do all of this WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE? I can't give you what you want, apparently I never could and you keep wanting me to be someone I'm not. I'm sorry, I can't, no I WON'T be that for you. And you cry yourself to sleep every night because of me? Yeah? And how exactly is that my fault? Where you thinking about crying yourself to sleep when you were fucking everyone I knew? Where you thinking about that when you were lying to me to my face? How about when I kept trying to change everything about me for you? And I'm suppose to give a shit that you're crying yourself to sleep? Man, fuck you.

I do care, but I don't want the pain anymore. I don't want the arguments, I don't want the tears. I don't want to see you unhappy and no matter what you say you know we aren't going to work. I'm sorry but I'm not doing it anymore.

I'm sorry about this.

#58

And the cycle continues on.
I don't understand why people do the things they do especially if they know it's only going to hurt someone else. I'm beginning to lose faith in all humanity.

I just want to disappear.

Empathy sucks.