#43

I'm quite sure that no one really reads this anymore so I guess there's no reason to actually leave out names and what not.

Moving on, Mariah broke up with me. I don't know why I'm saying this though. I'm not sure if it's to make it more real to me or just to state the facts, but that's what happened. I find myself wanting to read the text messages over and over again, like that's some how going to fix it, but like I've said before, you can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be there. I've know this for a while, yet I kept holding on. I mean it's common sense, if someone keeps doing things to hurt you it's obvious that they want to leave, but I'm naive. I believed what she said regardless if it directly conflicted with the things she did. I honestly believed everything she said, and I don't know if I'm stupid for that. I don't know what it is I am for that...

I trusted her though. Even when I was saying I didn't trust her, I trusted her. It was like this, I knew she was capable of betraying my trust because she did yenno? But I still had the faith in her- or maybe I was just naive enough- to believe that she wouldn't do it twice. Not after seeing how deep that cut. Not at all, but honestly I guess I didn't really know anything. And I tried to fix things, I even asked if she wanted to fix things... and as I'm writing this I find myself erasing things just in case she may read them. I don't want to hurt her, which is unbelievably nonsensical. But honestly, I can't make myself think differently. When I asked her if she wanted this relationship she got offended, but who's fault is that really? Would I have to ask "obvious" questions if the answer was obvious? I mean I'm a pretty smart girl for the most part, so I think I may have known if the answer was as obvious as it seemed to be to her.

It got to the point where she was no longer interested in me. Granted, I believe that she loved me, there was no question about that, but despite popular belief, love isn't always enough. If you're not interested in someone, you can't be with them and that's what it is. She lost interest in me, she lost the desire to "stalk me" (it's a reference to a previous blog), and you can't make someone want you. Yes, I want to fix this, but there's nothing to fix anymore yenno? There's honestly nothing I can do because she's washed her hands of the situation. And it's hard to know that something isn't your fault, that it was honestly out of your control, but feel like you caused this. Like I find myself thinking, "well maybe if I... then she wouldn't have had to..." It's just like... I honestly don't know.

It's really hard to trust anyone anymore...

#42

I don't understand this right now.
My best friend's back though. I can talk to her and see what I should do...

#41

What the fuck was the fucking point of that?! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING FUCKING WRONG AND WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!


FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!
FUCK ME? NO FUCK YOU because I didn't do shit at all so what the fuck ever!
fuck fuck FUCKKKKKKKKKK!
fucking fuck! FUCK! shit fuck fuck fuck fuck BULL FUCKING SHIT! FUCKING SHIT! FUCK FUCK!
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK FUCK?! FUCK!

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk! FUCK! OH MY FUCKING FUCK!
If it's not one fucking thing it's something FUCKING ELSE! fuck! AND I DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING DO SHIT!
FUCK! Fuck fuck fuck me in the fucking ass! FUCK!
fkadmflajdfoajofjdlmflamdlfjaldfgl FUCK!

















and to finish this off.
FUCK.

#40

My mind is pretty stable for the most part, but of course it's never super stationary.

People tend to label things so quickly. And they categorize things too and if something doesn't fit exactly into those categories then people flip out. My mind doesn't work that way at all. I was about to say I wasn't sure if that's good or bad, but I'm not even going to worry about that because it's my brain and it's my life yenno? I'm comfortable with whatever way I think about certain situations.

But like I think certain people make decisions based on retarded logic, not that it's my place to decided for someone and it's not even that. I wanted to just express my opinion, but I'm actually pretty glad that I didn't. I'm learning that yeah it's okay for me to have an opinion, but it's not necessarily always my place to express it. It's not my life and if someone hasn't asked for my opinion I should keep it to myself. And I think that's the hardest thing for me to come to terms with because I'm just watching people make choices that are going to negatively affect them. Like what would posses you to make this choice when you know it's not going to end in your favor?! I don't know; people, myself included, make some dumb decisions but I'm glad that for once I'm actually learning from this stuff. Not so much mistakes, but detours yenno?

Earlier in this post I talked about label and categorizing things, and I'm not going to lie, I'm guilty of doing it, I think everyone is. It's like I guess as you gain more intelligence (because it's not necessarily as you get older), you learn that certain thing just don't make sense. That's one of the many things that I'm learning.
I'll tell you one thing though, this summer has been a summer of great realization.