#33

I'm not to fond of existing right now. That pretty much sums up everything.

Our conversation yesterday was good though. It was so good, but I don't know. When I saw her, eshh, strain on my heart much? It was such a longing feeling. Like you know when you see a McDonald's commercial and you really want that food, but you have no kind of money to buy it? It was like that. I don't know.

It's...I don't know. *sigh.

#32

I feel like I'm not even in the running anymore. Like I've lost already.

What sucks the most about the whole situation is that it's not even like I know the territory. I don't do this kind of thing... EVER. But like I don't want to lose her. But I feel like I have to prove myself to her. Why? I didn't do anything that would make it that way. That's what's getting me the most. I didn't do anything wrong. AT ALL, well at least not to my knowledge. But like ughh, I don't know.

It was different when it was another chick. And no it's not because it's a guy that's not the point at all. Like if I made it out to be like "oh yeah, well because it's a guy I stand no chance WHATSOEVER" I'd be full of shit and I know that for a fact. The fact of the matter is that they are totally completely different situations. Like really they are. She didn't want to be with ol' girl (or at least that was the impression I was given. But hey, what do I know right?) she wanted to be with me, and wanted me to have all of her. But not now. She wants to be with him. It's like what am I suppose to do about that? I'm honestly helpless in this situation.

Like okay yeah granted she wants to be with me too, but it's not like I have a greater pull on her, or like a leg up on the competition ( I don't know where these weird idioms are coming from, but bare with me please) because of that. But I don't know. I had to have done something. There had to be something missing because if everything was fine, if I was satisfying her (and I don't mean sexually for all the pervs) the way I thought I was, then she wouldn't be looking for something else. Like there's something that I can't provide.

What sucks the most is that I let her in so much. Like more than she knows, more than she'll ever know, and I feel like when it comes down to it, it just might not matter. It really might not. And like I'm not mad, at least not at her. I don't even know if I'm mad or what. I don't know anything. I just hate crying over shit like this. Crying isn't going to fix anything, not at all. So whatever I don't know. I'm so frustrated with...the world.

I wish I could just crawl under a boulder until this was all cleared up. It'd be so much easier and, believe it or not, a lot less painful. *sigh.

#31

I was under the impression that if I didn't acknowledge certain feelings that I wouldn't be disappointed or distraught if the situation didn't turn out in my favor, but whatever at that because I still feel it, be it acknowledged or not.

I really don't want her to leave me. Simple as that, yet as complicated as that.

#30

Break?

I wish I could forget everything she said, everything she promised. Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so bad. Real talk, I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I hate this.