#22

DAMNNNNNNNN at me. Can't believe I actually had the balls to say it.

Like it's not like I didn't want to. I've been wanted to tell her that I loved her. But like at first I wasn't really sure if I loved her like how I use to. That was on that friendship love and a little more but now, I don't even know what this is. It's like...right. Right is the only word I can use to describe it and last night when she said it to me I was like WOW, in shock kind of stuff you know because that's not something you just say to anyone.

And like I've wanted to tell her for a bit of a minute, like once I realized that I was IN LOVE with her, but I didn't want her to think it was too soon or that I was rushing into stuff and it be weird between us. Like I'm not rushing anything at all, it's just I can't deny feelings that are THAT strong you know? It's pretty much on that impossible side and it's been torture trying to hold it in, but I was willing to suffer because the last thing I wanted was for anything to change between us. Like I can't remember the last time I was this happy and this comfortable with someone. Like I can tell her anything without worrying about it because I know she cares and I know it's not that fake bullshit caring. It's genuine.

Everything about her, about us, is right. And I hate that she thinks she has to worry about someone taking me. Like she said, shit happens and I'm not trying to promise anything, but who in their right mind (not saying that I'm always in my right mind but for this I know I am) would leave something so great/excellent/extravagant/spectacular/amazing to go back to something that's less than that? It doesn't make sense, not to my brain and especially not to my heart. It's not right for someone to pick up the broken pieces of my heart just so I could go back to someone who would break them again. Like I'm not stupid and for once, my heart and my head are on the same page. Like stuff makes sense.

And it would be so easy for me to sit here and be like "oh yeah, this is easy" because I've done it before, but it's not easy. It's not easy to let myself be that vulnerable again. It's like for some strange reason I have so much faith in her. So much faith that she wouldn't fuck me over, that she would use "I love you" against me. Because like when she said it, it wasn't like she was just saying 3 words to me, I've never felt so many emotions expressed in just 3 words. It's like she was saying so much more than that to me. And like I hope that she got what I was trying to express. Because it wasn't just "I love you too" it wasn't that at all. It was covered in dripping in so much more meaning than that and I think she felt what I was trying to say. Like it was...I don't know how to describe it. But it's right and I don't want any of this to go away because when I'm with her nothing/no one else in the world matters.

Right about now I don't care about being vulnerable because I love her and she loves me and that's really all that matters now. That's really all I need.

#21

Yesterday's blog was just to let off steam. I'm really not that mean. Just in my head, I swear.

On a lighter note, I find myself reading/hearing people talk about how they want someone who'll do all this stuff and blah blah blah, but I've noticed that if you go out looking for someone to be a certain way, you'll get fooled. Like if you want someone to be your "everything" you'll find them. You really will, but I'll tell you from experience, they will NOT be what you were expecting. And it'll just be harder to leave once you realize it.

Like I'm so glad that for a change I wasn't looking for anything when I found her. Like she just came out of nowhere and I'm so glad. Like this is so much better than I could have ever expected/hoped for/wished for or any of that good stuff. Like I haven't been this happy in God knows how long you know? And like I've never spent days with someone and the minute I have to leave, I feel like I haven't seen them in years. Like I miss her like every waking moment and I think about her all the time. It's crazy because the only time I think about people in a constant state is when they're doing something to upset me. But that's not the case with her.

I want to tell her something, but I don't want that to fuck anything up. Because usually when stuff like that is expressed it just ends poorly and God knows that's the LAST thing I want to happen. It's crazy. But I already know I do. It's just a matter of expressing it I guess... I will though. Just not now, the time isn't well, I guess it's just not the time yet.

It's whatever though. I'm happy. End of story.

#20

I hope you get AIDS and prostate cancer. I also hope you get hit by a big semi-truck and your dick falls off you and you have to live as a eunic. I really do hope so.

Umm, would you mind taking a permanant vacation from the Earth? Maybe go chill on Mercury or Pluto or Hell? I don't care, just go die. That would be a great birthday present. Please, proceed in ending your existence so I don't have to waste time doing it for you. Please, give me the satisfaction. But before that, would you please grant be the great pleasure of castrating you? I would greatly appreciate it.

#19

Why can't she just leave me alone?

I was getting over her, no lie. Then she calls and says all this shit and ughhhh I hate her. I hate her so much, I wish she would just go away because she fucking sucks. She has some nerve saying I'm hurting her. I'm hurting her? DOES SHE KNOW HOW MANY TIMES SHE'S HURT ME?! How much shit she's fucked up? Gosh she's so fucking self-centered. But what the fuck is my problem? It's like she tells me I'm hurting her, that I'm breaking her heart and I'm the one who's apologizing. Like are you kidding me?

I don't want to be with her. I just want all this fixed. I don't want to hurt anyone, like I'm not sitting her trying to hurt her. I'm just trying to be happy. Like how many times have I put aside my shit because I wanted her to be happy? Fuck! She fucks with my head so much. No one can do that. And ughh this is so retarded. FUCK FUCK FUCK! Shit. Ughh.

Moving mountains...I swear that song makes so much more sense to me. I hate that I can't hate her. Why won't she leave me alone?