#65: Walks In The Park

"...wondering what went wrong"

To burn the bridges connecting the present to the past. Never have the words not escaped me, but today my own flesh has betrayed me. My thoughts are not my own. Looking at myself, I am not familiar. It's almost calming, like meeting someone new. I do not know you, you do not know me. Do I want to know you? My attention to detail is becoming my downfall. Slight changes in the motion of the air, the sound of the trees, the evenness of her voice. Isolation of self and mind. I ramble on about nothing and everything wishing the words that come to mind would spell out something different. And those around me are diminishing in character, their light slowly dimming their hearts being blacked again by the disgust, bigotry and mistrust surrounding us. I was once told that dark is powerful, demanding. A presence unlike any other. I see light as the exact opposite; it fights for the ground it walks on. So how are we to find the light in the darkest of nights? What are we to do when our flashlight turns off? In search for the button to restore the light, I find myself walking deeper into the darkness. I sacrifice comfort to gain knowledge. Knowledge of self. But as I wait for the rain to come in this barren desert, I become discouraged. Thou hast been forsaken and as I look beg for a sign of hope, of anything really, I feel a drop hit my face. She is that drop.

Oh, who am I you ask? Whoever I want to be.

#64: A Murder's Journal

"My shoe is off my foot is cold..."

Amidst the rubble left after the destruction of myself, I've found bits of what I once knew as "me". But do tell me how you can destroy self, when there is no self there to destroy? Statements equivalent to lack of faith in humanity are to be reiterated until they no longer have meaning. How I wish to erase my memory. Better yet, erase my actions. To take the blame for something that isn't your fault. Tears stream down my face yet the words finding their way to my lips express something different. Though my eyes express everything, my mind can't process any of it. Empathy is a dagger, stabbing away at the walls built on the foundation of imagination. To know nothing and feel nothing. The numbness is horrible. The knowledge of the pain that will follow is worse.

I wave good day to two thousand & nine and I try to wave farewell to two thousand & eight. But as I turn around to say goodbye, I find I've yet to turn back around...

If only I could tell you.

#63

How ever did you come to this?

And as the days progress I feel myself losing track of what I once saw a priority. I've yet to deem this negative or positive, I just see it as a change. To slip back into myself and remain their, only letting in those who belong. To disappear, only being seen by those with true eyes. Eyes that see what everyone else thinks isn't there. Oh, the irony of you. Sweet sweet irony.

"Accept the things you cannot change."
Someone asked me what I wanted for Christmas, but they got no response. I have her, was what I thought to myself. And as trivial and childhood crush-like as it may sound, I long for nothing more. While my eyes may wander, my heart and mind remain stationary. There's nothing better than this and to ask for anything more would be nothing short of selfish. So dear sir, I have everything I want and I need nor want for anything more, but thanks for asking.

#62

"...It'll be harder tomorrow."

And the word of the day is HUMILITY.
Forgive me as I digress...
I care little about anything having to do with you. Call it what you will because I care not. Compassion for strangers? Yes. Compassion for you? Saying I'm laughing would be more than an understatement. Empathy and sympathy are emotions that will never be associated with what I feel for you. I feel nothing, not even pity for you, which is strange to me but honestly, I care not. It's quite sad how you're situation makes me laugh. Really it is.

I now regress.
Humility comes from Humanity. Is this why I feel that it's diminishing too? Not that I try to make sense out of what it is that goes on around me, but when I take the time to observe the things that do, I see a depletion in what we call humility. What is the meaning of the word? It is foreign to our lips; we lost the taste so long ago, it seems as though it was never there. Quid pro quo this for that. As faith in humanity decreases faith in humility follows. I'm baffled by the hypocrisy, lies, selfishness and cruelty that occur with no consequence. Honestly, there is no consequence. It is my personal hell, but I fear not. Not for lack of knowledge or embracement of neglect but because of acceptance. Accept the things you cannot change. It's about today; I'm quite sure tomorrow could result in sheer and utter horror.

"Don't run, don't scream; you'll only makes it worse."