#47

I don't even remember the last time I posted to this blog. It's hard yenno because I hate being in the hallway (where my computer is) because I feel like everyone's watching what I'm typing. Whatever though.

So let's see let's see. I can't even begin to tell you what's been going on since the last time I posted. Hmm, well let's see umm on the 26th (of September of course) me and Mariah got in this HUGE ASS argument right? Like so bad that when I called her back on Sunday (the 28th) she was still crying. I felt like shit. Ughh I don't even wanna think about how bad that was. Like for the next week all I wanted to do was die because like I've never made someone I was going out with cry like at least not without them making me cry first yenno? And like I just felt so fucking inadequate; like I was genuinely sorry and I knew she was too sad to hear me out. Not that I really anything to say. God, it was horrible. As melodramatic as it sounds, I really did feel like I was dying. I didn't eat, couldn't sleep. Like I was walking and like broke down to the point where I couldn't walk. Shit it sucked. And then okay, well that Friday, October 3rd, we didn't have school but on Thursday we had RCM, Regional Conference Meeting, for Key Club and me and Sadu were gonna go because it was A-Tech and we really didn't have anything better to do (sadly hehehe) and like when we were walking there I saw Mariah's mom's car. How did I know it was her car even without my glasses on? No clue, I just knew. And I almost died. Like I had to stop walking my stomach was hurting so bad. And so we got there and I saw her but of course I didn't say anything to her. Like I wanted to but I didn't really have anything to say so I just tried to be happy yenno and that didn't work because my mind was just on her and ughhhhh it sucked I don't know. At one point I just got so fucking overwhelmed. Like we were about to leave because I started crying. But we had to go get Flo and she was with James. So we go outside and me, Taylor and Sadu meet up with those two but like I didn't even wanna be there so I went and sat down and just started crying so hard. Then Sadu came over there and we talked and ughhh it was gay, but I was just like fuck this I'm going home or at least leaving A-Tech yenno? So we start heading inside and I'm walking ahead of all of them to head to the bathroom to clean my face and like the glass on our doors is tinted so I couldn't see that she was standing on the other side of the door and when I went in, she grabbed me and like whatever so she was talking to me or whatever and I was crying and so she hugged me and ughhhhhh okay. Well long story short we started talking again, which is AMAZING (by the way that's THEE LONGEST TIME we've ever gone without talking) .

Uhhh ever since then (well up until Saturday night but I'll get to that) we've been really good. Like amazingly good. So let me tell you how my stupid brain got in the way on Saturday, the 18th. The "Light the Night" walk was Saturday aka the day in question hehe and like the day before we had all went to Frightdome and we were cool but apparently (which I didn't find out about until last night) I said/did something that pissed her off so she didn't wanna talk to me anymore and I already had other shit on my mind so I was just like what the fuck ever man. Like I was just not in the mood so I didn't even try to make up with her yenno I just let her be all angry and shit. Then I got this phone call and ughh whatever all this bullshit that just contributed to my utter annoyance. But yeah then so I was talking to Sadu and I'm like telling her and I'm just like yeah and I'm so confused about us. Like are we together or what and blah blah blah and ughh whatever no need to dwell on that. Skip to Saturday. I was still kind of upset about the night before and I didn't really wanna talk to her so when Sadu was like Oh I See Mariah, I was just like okay whatever. Then Michelle, Mariah's friend, called us over there so we went over with them and like I had walked away but I felt bad because I didn't say anything to her so I was like alright I'll just say hey or whatever. And I went over there to say hi and I gave her a hug, TOTAL COLD SHOULDER still. Granted, she did hug me back but it was more of a pat on my back. So I was just like okay whatever because I was gonna walk with her but after that I was just like whatever. So right then I planned on talking to her about where we stood yenno? I mean I knew she loved me and there wasn't really any doubt in my mind, but I just really needed to know for my mind's sake. I can't explain to you (whoever it is that you may be) why, but there's an endless list. But yeah, so we go back to the A-Tech group and we were gonna walk with them til Mariah called and she was like well do you have to be with them and I'm like no, and she's like then come over here. So I did and I'm like hey and she's like all I get is a hey? And so I'm telling her how she was being shady yesterday and how she like BARELY acknowledged me when I came to say hi to her earlier and okay whatever long story short we resolved it. So after the walk they had all this free food and while we were eating Chelsey came and we had some business to take care of hehehe and so I was still thinking about talking to her so I told her that I'd be back and that I wanted to talk to her later or whatever and she's like okay. So then I was talking to Natalie about it and she's like okay well don't be scared. And like she's telling me how it won't turn into an argument or whatever and all this shit. So okay we go back to them and like me and Mariah start walking around and stuff and I wasn't gonna bring it up but idk we got into like a micro mini argument and she brought it up. So we started talking about it and OHMYWORD did that turn out way different than I expected. Like honestly I was just trying to see where her head was. Like I was gonna be like yeah, where are we going because like I don't want to be like this forever yenno and of course because it was me talking that's not what came out because I got nervous and frustrated with myself and ughhh whatever at that. So like she wanted time to think so I let her think and then she had to go so she called me and told me she was leaving so I was like okay bye. So I texted her and we were talking and I apologized and well yeah. So before I went to sleep I called her but she was sleepy so we didn't talk much. The next day, she calls and we were talking about everything and after a while I just couldn't be on the phone because I felt bad and I couldn't explain myself and I was just like ughh. So then I texted her all this shit about what I was thinking and how I was sorry about Saturday and then like I was getting ready to leave, oh by the way I was at Sadu's house hehehe, and like she calls me and she's like check your messages so I do. And she sent me this LONG ASS MESSAGE just with everything in it and wow. It was insane, good insane though (060308 :]<3)>

#46

I've been a very very bad girl. No, not really. But I really should be doing my current events and reading for my History Quiz tomorrow, but I'll do that after I post this.

I only originally got on to post this comment on my Composition Honors class blog. Yeah I know, mad weird but whatever. Ms. Burke's cool in her own crazy way. Continuing on though, let's see what's been going on. I don't remember what I posted last so I guess I'll just start from what's mainly been going on:
My friend Lupe died yesterday. Well since it's now the 12th, she died 2 days ago. I mean she was in the hospital in a coma from about 2 or 3 weeks and believe it or not, I really didn't think she was going to die. And it's so odd how I'm dealing with it. I cried the night it happened. I cried because she was gone, but I think I cried more because I couldn't feel anything. And then because it was another person who left. Granted she didn't "leave" like everyone else did, but it's still like she left. I mean I remember when all my crew had that big falling out and we all stopped talking. Lupe was the one who was there for me all the time. And her history shows her to be a pretty flaky person, yenno the type that would ditch you for a guy? Well yeah, but she never did that to me, but because I'd seen her do it before, I tried not to get as close to her. But that was my girl though. I still can't help but feel this is my fault. I mean ol' boy (her ex-boyfriend) only beat her up as badly because Tony beat his ass after her hit her the first time. But Tony would have never found out if it wasn't for me. Maybe for once I should have kept my mouth closed. But I honestly did think I was doing something good. I really did.

Mariah came over that night. I think she was the distraction I needed though, because I really didn't want to think. Especially not about that. Oh, how are we? Tonight I don't know what her deal was. I may have been seeing something that wasn't there or maybe she was being unusually unusual for no reason. Like okay so we were on the phone right (take the previous paragraph of what was on my mind and add really bad allergies, a fight with my mom and a towed car and you have the makings of a very irritable Kenne) and we're talking. And I had called her before on both her phones and no answer so when she called me back she was like "I was busy." Maybe on a good/bad/whatever you want to call it day, I would have asked her what she was busy with, but 1. I knew she wasn't going to tell me and 2. I knew that I would just be asking she'd say it wasn't anything to be concerned with, I'd get mad at her for keeping shit from me and we'd get into an altercation and I really didn't want to deal with that yenno? So I avoided it like the plague. Then my phone lost connection because I like in hell where we get little to no reception. Anywhos I called her back on the room phone and both times the line was busy so I'm like okay call her cell. That went straight to voicemail. So I called the room again and no answer. So I texted her and was like "blah blah blah I called no answer, I'll talk to you later." Now as I was composing the text, my phone rang and it was Kat, my friend and one of Lupe's like bestfriends or something of the sort. And Kat already has issues and shit so she called me crying asking me to come outside so I did. And I put my phone in the car and was standing outside of it with her. Now my phone pretty much stays on vibrate during the week, so I didn't hear it. And when I was walking back to the car, I saw the little LED light flashing so I got it and saw I had 2 missed calls and I was about to call her back when I got her text so I respond or whatever and she's answering me HELLA SHORT type shit. I'm like okay what's wrong and she's like nothing blah blah blah, but I think she's lying and I'm like okay I'll call you when I get in the house. Long story short I'm at Kat's now and I told Mariah I was going over there yenno, and when I called her to tell her I'm like yeah I'm staying at Kat's blah blah blah and she's like aight cool. And I'm like okay, I'll talk to you later then and she's like aight bye. And I'm in the process of saying I love you when she hangs up.

I'm not mad though. I'm really not, like there's no point in being mad yenno. If somethings bothering her, all I can do is ask. If she wants to be odd about it, then that's her choice and I can't MAKE her tell me stuff yenno? So like yeah, I don't even sweat the small stuff. And like 2 mins ago she texted me apologizing which I really do appreciate. She never use to do that, like I would be the one calling her like "ughh I hate that it's weird between us blah blah blah" but that's incredibly annoying to me and probably to her (which I doubt she'd ever admit) so I quit doing it. I mean really though, things between her and I have gotten so much better. Despite tonight (or last night, however you wanna look at it), she's been mad open with me. It's refreshing to not have to worry about me and her. I kind of just let shit happen the way it's going to happen now yenno, and it's working out better that way.

Hmm, what else what else? There's probably more, but this blog already seems long enough and I still have to do my homework. So yeah, until next time.

#45

This blog was orginally about something else, but I guess it just doesn't seem as important anymore.

I just finished writing an essay for my Composition class about how to tie a shoe, I don't know why I'm telling you this. I don't even know who "you" is referring to, but whoever "you" are I think you should know that as easy as that may sound, it's not. It's a little more complicated and I still have to read this story and have a "conversation with the author" while doing so. Which basically means that my teacher wants us to take notes on it, but we're suppose to actually feel what the author is saying, yenno? And I have yet to even look at the story, but I really hope that it isn't boring because if it is, I'm going to let this author know that.

I had an interesting conversation with Mariah tonight (well this morning but you get my point). I feel kind of bad now because she thinks that I expect her to fix everything right away and I actually think she may be right. I think I did want to fix this like ASAP because for a while, my relationship with her was the only thing I was doing that was right. And as much as I conscientiously know that it's going to take time to get comfortable- I'm not sure if that's the right word right now, but my brain is really tired and I have a cramp in my arm so every time I have to backspace something, I cringe so I guess I'm using that word for now- with one another again, sub-conscientiously I'm still looking for that quick fix. I'm usually not like that though. I'm the "let's isolate the variable and solve for x" type of girl not the "let's look in the back of the book for the answers." I wish there was a back of the book with all the answers in it. That would be amazing. It really would. But yeah, I really am going to try to be my normal self. The realist not the idealist. I'm not an idealist, although there is an aspect of my personality which I've recently discovered which has idealistic qualities. But I don't think that makes me an idealist, and I guess since it's me and since it's my opinion of me then that's all that matters.

This blog is so random, but I like it, because I feel like I got everything off my chest. And I don't even think it was because of this blog that I feel that way. Like I previously stated, I was on the phone with Mariah tonight (this morning, whatever) and we had and interesting conversation and I pretty much told her everything that bothers me and like when she was explaining some things to me, she said it with so much passion, it's sort of hard to explain and I was crying, but I'm not so sure why. Like originally it was because I was frustrated but after a while, I continued to cry and I couldn't figure out why and maybe that's why I stopped crying. I think you should only cry if you have a reason. But maybe crying for no reason is a reason. Yeah, I know that didn't make much sense. I don't know. I feel relieved a little bit. Like I think I can actually think straight. But I'm afraid to say that because every time I do (that cramp in my arm is really getting to me now), something way out of whack happens that totally messes up my whole mindset. No matter, I'll just basque (that's bask spelled the CORRECT way hehehe) in the satisfaction of a restful mind.

Okay, well I should go have that "conversation" with the author of that story. Goodnight or goodmorning.

#44

I should be doing my Trig notes not posting blogs, but I have a lot I need to get out if I'm ever going to be able to finish them.

Things take turns in directions you never expect them to. As much as I tell myself to be cautions, I find myself not being able to do it. It's like I keep trying to put this guard up while trying to do something that is the exact opposite. It's honestly impossible to try to fix things with someone while trying to keep them at a distance. And worst of all I can't figure out how to approach this situation. Like I believe that she wants to fix this and naturally I want to make excuses to why she can act two entirely different ways, but honestly I can't. It's a phenomenon that I really don't understand and what's the point of even bringing it up because I already know the response I'm going to get yenno? And I'm fighting against two parts of myself and I can't figure out which one to listen to and I'm not even sure what either one is saying.

But I'm so tired of letting all decisions lie with someone who doesn't even talk to me. Like you can talk to my bestfriend but you can't talk to me? What sense does that make? It's like what happened to spark this sudden change in trust? I CAN'T FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT! Like honestly I don't care about anything else, the break up the bullshit split personality disorder or anything, I'm just entirely so tired of trying to pull someone in who keeps pushing me back. It's like I'll feel like I'm making progress or whatever, but you know what, maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm not doing anything right. Maybe...I don't even know. I don't know anything I really don't and I keep thinking that I do but I really don't. Why can't she just show that she cares?

I'm just... whatever. I'm not about to force someone to do something they don't want to do. If she wants to talk then she'll talk. I'm not stressing myself anymore.